After 30 Years!

[Lost Rabbit]

Been a strange week, H went back Tuesday morning having parted saying "i'll love you and leave you" first mention of love since May 09.

He has txt me again first every day this week, and friday afternoon even txt me to ask how my day had gone and was I coming online later. We chat most evenings on msn because his mobile phone signal is awful. I started work this week and I work in dominantly male enviroment, so any chat of work mates usually involves T did this and J said that obviously they are men, twice he has asked me if Im trying to make him jealous lol.

Then last night he started to say he couldnt come up this week as he was busy every other evening and he would come up the following monday and stay still sat, I missed that he also said he might come back after the tuesday again (he has photography class) I missed it because his next sentance was about sorting out the house and finances. Admittedly I panic'd a bit although my replies were calm. It was that I was if any decisions were being made like I wouldnt do them without legal advice.

Well the conversation went on from there, H said that was too early days yet he just wanted to sort things out so we had an open door, he also admitted he had to sign a six month lease not a three that he thought he was going to be able too, so has a bolt hole till feb 2010. This led to me saying that it changed things for me, and then the conversation just spewed into, we need to talk about stuff when we are together and a totally honest talk about how I felt I couldnt because it would push him away, and how he felt that he wasnt good at accepting positive affirmations even though he loved having them. It was a really good start but I sense I am still trying to make plans with an H who doesnt really know what he wants.

Interestly enough I call him up on ML, having told him I wanted too and I felt it was good to remind him of our connection, I said I didnt know how he could ML to me and he does ML not just lust, without loving me, and he said that he still cant resist me, and the fact he ML must say something although he doesnt know what?

He said that we were talking and that was good. I replied it made me feel sick to the stomach and he answered but theres nothing bad, and I answered but there is no hope and I need a bit at the moment, with that he popped to the bathroom and I reread the transcript and saw that he had planned on coming back again after the weekend so would be planning on coming up for a week, then a weekend break and another week or longer! So I apolagised and said I'd seen it and he laughed and said SEE!

So to answer Coach he is coming up in a weeks time to start sorting out our finances with a view to leaving the door open!

So the plan is to sort our finances out so that I can relax a bit more and know whats what! Sort some of the chores out that need doing around here that need H's help. Spend time affirming him even if its falling on deaf ears at the moment. Make him feel like he is wanted for who he is and not the money he provides (well he doesnt at the moment he doesnt have a contract. Whilst carrying on GAL and DB'ing my butt off!