Is this the end of my marriage?

[P17]

Thanks again guys. I do really appreciate the support. It's good to know people have your back especially when you're still not 100% sure you have done the right thing. Time will tell.

This was after she told me that she wanted a divorce and likely was going to start dating the OM, despite him being married.

Do you not think this was a test to see if YOU would do the begging and pleading?

There was even a moment when she got so mad at me for trying to kick her out that she slapped me. Fortunately I did not respond cause I'd probably seriously harm her. Plus I felt sorry for her cause it just seemed like she was having a complete meltdown.

That's the realisation that Plan B is off the table now. So the table is bear and what the h*ll does she do now?

When she told you about the OM, she expected you to respond with begging and pleading. When that didn't happen she panicked.

If / when OM leaves my W I think I will go through something similar.

However, there was still some lack of taking responsibility on her part, and therefore I didn't take it seriously.

I hope she does one day (soon) see what she has done to herself, her M and both of your families.

That means you take care of you and the rest will just happen.

I am looking on the NC now as time and space to let me sort myself out. So that when she comes back and says she either still wants the Big D or reconciliation, or even something else, I can deal with them calmly and rationally.

You will be fine. After a few days, things will start getting easier.

I know things will start to be easier for me as the days go on. I hope I can stay strong enough to resist the urge to drop her the odd text. Time will tell.

[P17]

The NC today is sort of going well. I actually feel pretty bad about it all but I know this will get easier. It's just a matter of persevering with it.

I contacted one of her friends today to ask if they would call me. Haven't heard yet. Part of the NC plan was speak to 2-3 friends and just let them know that I love W but I need to move on and would they look out for her as I am not going to be around anymore. I will see how things go with this friend and if it goes well will contact the other 2 and do the same. That will be about as far as it goes as I don't want to make things awkward or look like I'm being vindictive. I just want to be loving, caring but determined and resigned to the fact that I need to move on without W.

All of my friends now know that I do NOT want to know anymore about anything they hear about them. The only thing I want to hear is if he leaves. One of my friends said yesterday that they saw him and he looks very tall and handsome ... WTF kind of thing is that to say to me??!?

I went to where W worked today so that I could drop off a few things she gave D on Wednesday when she was over. She was working but I made sure she wasn't at her desk when I dropped the things off. I didn't want to keep them here in case she initiated contact to get them back. I thought get them out the way now.

Finally W has my D's car seat in her car and has had since we separated. It's never been taken out. I have a car seat built into my car so I don't need it. It's also a bit small for D. My plan, however nasty this may sound, is to leave W with it (unless she gives it back) for a while and let it remind her of my D and when she used to sit in it - my W has been a part of my D's life since she was 2 (she is now almost 9). I want her to realise the consequences of her actions and what she has done to her own life and my D's life. Even if it just tugs at her heart strings or makes her think of D once in a while that will be enough for me. However, getting it back will actually require contact so it's easier just leaving it there!

I know this is wrong but I want to do it and be damn with how it appears.

I was actually hoping that W would contact me today to say something. But I got nothing. I know this is part of the withdrawal process for me (the clinging) and I need to stay strong. I have done so far, I haven't contacted her.

D wants to make a goodbye card for W. Not sure how I will play that but I promised her I would get it to D (I will put it in the post).

[newmama]

I contacted one of her friends today to ask if they would call me. Haven't heard yet. Part of the NC plan was speak to 2-3 friends and just let them know that I love W but I need to move on and would they look out for her as I am not going to be around anymore. I will see how things go with this friend and if it goes well will contact the other 2 and do the same. That will be about as far as it goes as I don't want to make things awkward or look like I'm being vindictive. I just want to be loving, caring but determined and resigned to the fact that I need to move on without W.

P, I don't think you need to talk to more than one of her friends...you know women; you tell one and the group will know about it by the end of the day! I just think it will come across as needy instead of confident.

All of my friends now know that I do NOT want to know anymore about anything they hear about them. The only thing I want to hear is if he leaves. One of my friends said yesterday that they saw him and he looks very tall and handsome ... WTF kind of thing is that to say to me??!?

But the OM sounds like a complete Loser with a capital L! Seriously!!! Who cares if he looked like George Clooney! However I know what you mean about thoughtless comments made byfriends--the things my friends have said to me like "be careful when you start dating, because pedophiles prey on single moms!" or "your H might be hanging on to the A because of all of the hot sex he's getting." (great reminder. Thanks.)

I went to where W worked today so that I could drop off a few things she gave D on Wednesday when she was over. She was working but I made sure she wasn't at her desk when I dropped the things off. I didn't want to keep them here in case she initiated contact to get them back. I thought get them out the way now.

It's good you gave them back because too many people hold on to that stuff as an excuse to see the ex again.

About secretly wanting your W to contact you today, just think back to the last time you had NC for 10 days. That desire does fade and you get stronger every day you don't contact her. To be fair, your letter did say you only want to hear from her for one of two reasons, so don't think she is not missing you if she doesn't contact you. She might be respecting your wishes!

Oh, and I have been meaning to tell you that perhaps she sounded so cold about your mum because she felt guilty not being there to support her or you. Kind of like how people get defensive when they know did something wrong but are too proud to admit it.

Are you going out with friends tonight or doing something to take your mind off of her and to celebrate your strength???

[P17]

P, I don't think you need to talk to more than one of her friends...you know women; you tell one and the group will know about it by the end of the day! I just think it will come across as needy instead of confident.

You could be right actually. The friend who I was going to talk to has a W whose mouth is the size of the Atlantic itself. No sooner would we have had a chat than she would have been on the phone spreading it. However the reason I wanted to speak to him is that his W is the one that has been spreading nonsense. I didn't want to complain or educate them on it, I just wanted to show him how determined, caring and loving I was without any vindictiveness.

But the OM sounds like a complete Loser with a capital L! Seriously!!! Who cares if he looked like George Clooney!

He is a Loser to me, you and everybody else I speak to. But at the end of the day it's my W's opinion that counts.

As I've said countless times I know the love chemicals are 'a flowin' but for goodness sake, how much of an opposite to what she said she always wanted can he be (he smokes - she is allergic to smoke, he's possibly a drug user (his Facebook page certainly indicates it) - she hates drugs, he drinks heavily - she doesn't (although I think she is now), he has abadoned his children - she always liked the fact I fought to see my D for 7 years, wants kids herself and wants a good dad for them, she wants kids - he is 45 (okay that doens't mean anything but you know what I'm getting at). I know WAS sometimes go for an opposite of the spouse they had but when it goes against your own likes / dislikes with people it's just strange.

Somebody actually said to me of course she has him - he is a Loser and therefore easy to get!

Anyway.

However I know what you mean about thoughtless comments made byfriends--the things my friends have said to me like "be careful when you start dating, because pedophiles prey on single moms!" or "your H might be hanging on to the A because of all of the hot sex he's getting." (great reminder. Thanks.)

I sometimes think friends have alterior motives!

It's good you gave them back because too many people hold on to that stuff as an excuse to see the ex again.

I just didn't want her having an excuse to contact me, IM or just come around.

She might be respecting your wishes!

You're right she probably is. That is the kind of person she is.

Oh, and I have been meaning to tell you that perhaps she sounded so cold about your mum because she felt guilty not being there to support her or you. Kind of like how people get defensive when they know did something wrong but are too proud to admit it.

You could be right. I just didn't get that impression though. When something like that happens I think it's the time to put all differences aside and concentrate on what is really important in life. She could easily have supported me if she wanted to - once again she chose not to.

Are you going out with friends tonight or doing something to take your mind off of her and to celebrate your strength???

I actually have D this weekend. We are just about to sit down and watch a DVD (Monsters vs. Aliens I think - she picked it).

We have just come back from the supermarket again. Checked W's car wasn't there and went in for some stuff for D (she loves drawing on a white board we have here so I bought her a bigger one and some card to make things with).

On the way out, she noticed W was actually still working and she got a smile from her. When I got back out to the car park, her car was there! Damn, I missed it.

So while NC for me went ahead (as I didn't see her or look in her direction) she still saw D so it wasn't a total success.

The problem is that I will need to keep going to this supermarket as it is the only one that sells some things we need (like the card D needs or the wine I love).

It will get easier the NC, I know it will. Every minute it gets a little easier. But I will have good and bad periods!

[newmama]

NC with you was still maintained, so that's valuable.
Any chance you could stock up on the wine so you can avoid the store for awhile? Just the fact that you will have to check the parking lot for her car is going to cause you to think of her more...which could result in suffering....

[P17]

Any chance you could stock up on the wine so you can avoid the store for awhile? Just the fact that you will have to check the parking lot for her car is going to cause you to think of her more...which could result in suffering....

I hear what you are saying. I think that is a good idea. Maybe just by 4 at a time and that way I shoudln't have to really go to the store at all.

I don't drink too much so a bottle of wine normally lasts me about a week. However before the split a bottle of wine would have lasted us a month ... we were not big drinkers!

[newmama]

I hope you had a good night, P17. What's the weather like over there in Scotland, right now, BTW? And out of curiosity, where have you traveled? I have been to several states on the west side of the U.S. and Mexico. But I've always wanted to check out Ireland and Scotland to see the castles and green country side. (Is that cliche???) :-) My boy and I will go one day, with or without WH!!!!

[P17]

I hope you had a good night, P17.

It wasn't too bad. I find the temptation to lapse and contact her is getting stronger and stronger though! I will be able to keep resisting though! I know if I don't it's all over. I have a few letters I need to give her that D wrote to her (she asked for copies). I will just post them to her.

What's the weather like over there in Scotland, right now, BTW?

The sun is out but it is, as you'd expect, cold ...

And out of curiosity, where have you traveled?

Only in Europe. Holland and Spain so far.

I have been to several states on the west side of the U.S. and Mexico. But I've always wanted to check out Ireland and Scotland to see the castles and green country side. (Is that cliche???) :-) My boy and I will go one day, with or without WH!!!!

It maybe a cliche but I think that's what most people come here for ... oh and to see us all wearing kilts The reason Scotland and Ireland are so green is .... it rains quite a lot!

[P17]

Okay, not having a good day today. I seriously underestimated how much this NC actually takes out of you. I KNOW it will get easier but jeez. This is tough.

I asked my D's mum if I could take my D back a day earlier as I couldn't cope. I just had an onslaught of emotions - my mum, W, OM, D, everything. I couldn't stop crying so I dropped D off. Fortunately they have a spare ticket and they are all going out tonight anyway.

I asked if I could leave my mobile phone with D's mum as if I had a few glasses of wine, I didn't want the temptation of being able to text her. She said yes, so I don't have it just now.

Took newmamas advice. Went and bought a 'stock up' of wine from the shop W works in. She wasn't there so all was good. That is until I came back out to the car park and the OM's car was sitting one space away from mine. Obviously they were in shopping. Fortunately, I didn't see them.

It's as if today, somebody is wanting to test me to see how strong I am. They won't win but I feel as worse as I have ever felt today.

I need to detach and I need to do it quickly.

A bit of advice too though.

OM was in the shop today (as his car was there), however I didn't see them shopping. My thought is MAYBE what I had been told earlier in the week, that he was in for a job interview, is correct.

What I thought I would do is write to the store Personnel Manager and tell them the situation with my W and OM - OM used to work for the same company in a different location and W told me he wouldn't get transfer due to his sickness record (yeah, 45 and he can't even hold down a job at a supermarket!) - that could have been rubbish, but thought they should know. I would also copy it to their head office Personnel (as the store Personnel Manager is useless). I would also write to the Union as my W is a Union Rep and OM WAS one before he quit his job to come here (in fact maybe he still is one as I don't think the rep position is tied to your job). The last time I spoke to my W's Union boss she didn't even know anything about the split let alone that they both met while on training with the Union.

Anyway, thoughts? I don't want to be vindictive. I think they should know however. Along with speaking to her friend on Monday afternoon I can try and get all of this out of the way early and at the same time and then it's done.

[Arwen_in_NJ]

Okay, not having a good day today.

There's an understatement.

What I thought I would do is write to the store Personnel Manager and tell them the situation with my W and OM - OM used to work for the same company in a different location and W told me he wouldn't get transfer due to his sickness record (yeah, 45 and he can't even hold down a job at a supermarket!) - that could have been rubbish, but thought they should know. I would also copy it to their head office Personnel (as the store Personnel Manager is useless). I would also write to the Union as my W is a Union Rep and OM WAS one before he quit his job to come here (in fact maybe he still is one as I don't think the rep position is tied to your job). The last time I spoke to my W's Union boss she didn't even know anything about the split let alone that they both met while on training with the Union.

Anyway, thoughts? I don't want to be vindictive. I think they should know however. Along with speaking to her friend on Monday afternoon I can try and get all of this out of the way early and at the same time and then it's done.

No apologies for this 2x4. Are you out of your effing mind? DO NOT!!!

Re-read what you wrote above.

You are going to take something you heard from a 3rd party (gossip), that you don't even know is true, and take it upon yourself to potentially use that information to keep someone else from getting a job? Send that information to- what- 3 different places? The OM's relationship with his employer, or potential employer, is none of your business. I don't know about Scotland, but something like that in the U.S. could get you sued. Or worse.

It can't look like anything BUT being petty and vindictive. Which it is.

Look up the word DETACH. It means step away from, do not become involved in, separate.

Where you such drama queen in your M? Could this be one of the issues your W had with you?