I need help please

[bestraongforyou]

I met my husband in 2000 – we got married 2003 – we have 2 beautiful boys (oldest son from my previous relationship) – husband starts working abroad 2005 initially for 2 years – due to excessive spending on my side and buying our first home together out of initial 2 years become 4 years (his salary is much higher working abroad)

Due to a forced position change in my company I become very unhappy midddle of 2007 as the new position sucks – my husband and I form a limited company end of 2007 as I want to start my own business – I am starting to look for suitable premises beginning of 2008 but don’t involve husband in the actual signing of the premises(huge No No for him) – I am opening my own small shop November 2008 just in time for the deepening recession .

On the 5th of April 2009 husband tells me online on IM while being abroad how unhappy he is with me and that he loves me but is not in love with me anymore – that he is emotionally starved and thought about having an affair but didn’t, that opening the shop was a huge dealbreaker. I’d say he must have brought up every mistake I ever made in these 9 years – some of the things he brought up I couldn’t even remember. I was shocked – I had not seen any of this coming .

We had seen each other only twice since X-Mas 08 as he had to work so much and the second time was just for one day for my oldest confirmation. We also had sex every time he was home – no exception, the last time just the week prior to his announcement.

Anyway after 2 days of chatting online – he asked me not to phone him for this entire time – he tells me about a female co-worker he has gotten friendly with outside work back in March 09 – he had never mentioned her name until that day even though she joined his company middle of 2008 –
and he had told her about our problems – so far they had met only once by chance for coffee on their home from work. I got suspicious in that very moment that maybe this “friendship” had something to do with his sudden changed view of our marriage. I became teribbly jealous and asked him for one favor – not to have her in his appartment abroad. He agreed and stated until today that they are just friends. Looking back at ths situation with the Co-worker I should have not voiced my opinion in regards to her but should have snopped quietly for evidence. In regards to her I lovebusted a lot over the first few weeks as I just couldn’t get my feelings under control. I felt like I was missing the last jigsaw piece that all this mess would kind of make sense.

I begged him for a second chance so I could rectify all the mistakes I had made until that day and he agreed. I closed my business, stopped my excessive spending, took the kids out of childcare to save costs and revamped our house with the help of “Flylady” to fill his need for Domestic Support.

We spoke daily on the phone and I booked a flight to see him abroad the weekend of the 1st of May 09. I never got on the flight. 2 days before the scheduled flight I tried to call him on his mobile and couldn’t get through to him for 2-3 hours – very unusual – I must have called him 4 times frantically, thinking he was with her. He then called me back finally drunk – he had been in the pub with friends and left his mobile in the car – he was so angry – I had no right to ask him what he was doing... – anyway we spoke the next morning after he was sober again and after 3 hours of phone call he ended our marriage.

2 hours later we are on the phone again and he is now calm and offers me the following: “we stay separated and I sleep on the couch but we date instead to see if we can rekindle anything.”
And what did I say – “of course”, I was so happy to be given another life line so to speak.

He then comes home the second week of May 09– sits down on the couch, starts crying and says:”I don’t belong here anymore...” . He stayed home for a week, had lost 20lbs, was so cold, slept for 2 nights on the couch and then came back into our bed but we had no physical contact. 2 days before flying back abroad he went out with 2 of his brothers and came home late in the night drunk – he cuddles up to me for the first time all week and asks me to warm him – and so I did – and then he said something what I can’t forget until today. I always had cold feet all my life – he would always call me his “little reptil”. Anyway my feet brush his leg and he says: “ What is it with you women and cold feet...” I remember I froze in that moment – it sounded like a comparison to me. Also the sex was different – he started pulling my hair during SF – something I can’t remember him ever doing before.

Me and the kids then went over to see him abroad on the 10th of June 09 – it was awful – he wasn’t prepared for our visit at all – the fridge was full of old food – he said to me a few days prior to the visit if I needed any toiletries just to ask him to buy them as they are so much cheaper abroad – but when I asked him 2 days before flying to buy tooth brushes for us he dceclined, saying he would have no chance to get to the shop. The following thought crossed my mid while I was there: “ he either doesn’t live here at all or spends only very little time here...”

It all came to a head on the 14th of June – he broke it off for good a second time – said that i couldn’t get over my suspicions and that he could not get over the betrayal with the shop.

So we flew back home and I finally did what I should have done on day one – I hired a PI to follow him abroad. I had nothing to lose anymore at that stage – my marriage was over.
I had studied my husbands routines while I was abroad so I sent the PI to his house Saturday morning at 5.45 a.m. to start following him but my husband wasn’t there – I don’t know until today if he slept somewhere else or had the PI just missed him. The PI then picked him up in the afternoon at work – followed him home and then my husband went to town in the evening and met a woman for coffee – they stayed from 8 pm until 9.45 p.m. and then he took her back to his appartment (Saturday night ) until quarter past midnight. She then left in a taxi.

Now the PI report said: they greeted each other as if they were unknown to each other but talked in high spirits. There was no physical contact all evening – and she wasn’t the Co-worker.

I confronted my husband over the phone 2 days later and he told me the following: she is a friend of the co-worker he showed his flat to as he wanted to sublet it . This was the first time they ever met.

My husband then came home the first week of July and we told the kids we were separating.During this visit he told me about a facebook account he had –I had no clue about that – he had made it invisible so that only friends on his list could find him – the co-worker was one of them I found out later – he also told me about a second email account he has – again I had no clue – I have found in the meantime the email address but don’t have the password.

Anyway he went back abroad and I got access to his Instant Messenger in the middle of July 09– and there I found he was in fact dating the girl the PI found . This time I did not confront him but followed their conversations for around a week.

Suddenly their conversations went from dating to just being friends and one day later my husband asked me to reconcile. He asked me to move forward and forget about the past – I agreed and we tried to make it work for 10 days – unfortunately with the knowledge about the 2 of them I could not trust him anymore – I was hoping during these 10 days he could come clean about everything but he didn’t – so we finished it again after 10 days in the beginning of August.

A few days later I finally toldd him why I had acted so strange during these 10 days and that without the full truth I could not recover.

And this is the situation where we are today – my husband is abroad right now – he has given up his flat abroad end of this week as the job is only lasting for another week – I am hoping that he will never have to go back that country ever again (what happens jobwise for him after next week I don’t know – he has a hard time finding something else)– we are still separated – I am guessing he is still seeing someone – just don’t know who – he racked up a phone bill last month of $1500 and also his spending abroad has increased. The worst secenario in my head is that I am dealing with multiple affairs – I am hoping his email account will give me some answers – but I am fully willing to recover our marriage – the kids are having a hard time – my youngest is having a lot of angry outbursts lately – I am now in Plan A for 4 weeks – WH and I managed to have 3 phone conversations in the last 4 weeks ( the last one last night )without any lovebusting from my side and no anger, blame or sarcasm from his side ( the worst part about the last few months since April 09 were his anger and blame towards me)– I am keeping him in the loop about our finances which I have never done before – I have cut out all relationship talk – just keep it light and cheerful.
I want him to think of home as a safe place to be if that makes any sense.

Me and the kids want him to spend X-mas Day with us and then I am planning to go into a very dark Plan B after New Years Day with a bang.

I appreciate any suggestions what more I can do during the next few weeks before I go into NC with him


I need help what to do next

[newmama]

If you are in Plan A, what are his top 5 emotional needs? And why do you think he is having these affairs? Does he still want to come back? After August, you didn't mention his view on your marriage.

(sorry I have not recovered my M yet but am a fan of Dr. Harley's concepts!)

[bestraongforyou]

Hi nemama,

I asked him to fill out the EN questionair in June shortly before we split and here is what he came back with

Domestic Support
Family Commitment
Financial Support
Honesty and Openness
Conversation


Now these are very unusual for a man - there are 2 options - he either lied on the form or he was deep in fog
and the things important to him he just didn't want to have fulfilled by me.
I filled it out for him and came up with the following:

Sexual Fulfillment
Attractive Spouse
Domestic Support
Admiration

I think what got us on the wrong path from day 1 in April was my suspicion that he had an affair back then and he denies it at every given opportunity. I just have no other explanation for his behaviour then an affair - especially the anger and blame towards me, his complete lack of trying to fix our relationship -
he was like a different man from one day to the next.

Why he has the affairs - I have no idea - but like I said I can only proof the one after we split. He told me he is finished completely with me - that was before Plan A - he can't get over the fact that I don't trust him and that I snooped so much - I mean there was the PI, accessing email and IM, phone records.
And you know what I would have snooped more if I could have - I had to proof every singlr thing - he adnmitted nothing about the girl he dated. He went to great length to send me an email with "the truth" about her and it was all lies - unreal.

So I uncovered bit by bit most things about her but am stuck with the proof for his co-worker which in my opinion is more important as it jumpstarted all of this mess.

I have no idea what he is doing since August - affair wise I mean - so am a little lost for what to do next.

I don't know why I have this in my head but I think if I can proof that he had in fact an affair with his co-worker I have more chances to get him back then if he didn't, because if he didn't I am really only paranoid and he would have been correct all along that I messed up our marriage with my jealousy.

[newmama]

I guess what I mean about after August is this: is your husband open to R with you? WHere will he move to when his job is over?


I see your logic about the affair w/ coworker...but you may not be able to prove it. My WH was "just friends" with OW while having an EA. If I hadn't found proof of hotel on a credit card statement, I would have believed he "never touched her."

But if you can't find anything, then here are is an idea(I am brainstorming here)

Show him the definition of an EA and then compare his friendship with his coworker to it...if anything, it will show you were not crazy, but just saw too many similarities and had the right to be suspicious.

But know this: if our GUT tells us something is wrong, IT IS!

[P17]

But know this: if our GUT tells us something is wrong, IT IS!

If I have learned ONE thing throughout the mess I am in it is trust your gut. My gut has been right every single time when deal with W.

Trust your gut.

[bestraongforyou]

thanks you 2 for answering

I found his hidden email account a few weeks ago and now I am trying to find the password - I believe this email account contains all information I need and possibly more
He is a contractor and it looked like he would finally have finished his job in October and then they called him back - it's not so much that he has to work here as there are no jobs where we live - I just want him to leve the country he is in for the last 2 years. I hate where he is right now as there is so much history.
He does not want to reconcile as I just not believe anything anymore he tells me and he says I will never get over it...

[Puppy Dog Tails]

a keylogger on his computer, like eBlaster, should give you his password.

[bestraongforyou]

I have eblaster on my laptop - that's how I found his passsword for his general email account after he changed in it in May - he doesn't know I have it again and it will stay that way this time - he has his laptop abroad so I can't access it - I am hoping he will use mine again when he is back home, I mean in my country - he is staying with his parents. Until then I am trying to guess his password but so far not successful.

It is driving me slowly crazy... not knowing I mean - it's close to 8 months

[newmama]

I know it's hard and how are you able to act as a single mom for all of these years while he is abroad? Do you get breaks and help sometimes?

I have been separated almost 8 months...but planning things each week, even if it's just one day, really helps me to pass the time and try to GAL. During this holiday season the weeks are starting to fly by!!

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Don't worry, if he's addicted to OW, he'll definitely want to use your laptop when he's here.

do you know OW's name? Try her first name and the last 4 numbers of your husband's SSN, as well as her first name and your H's birthdate.

Puppy