Can I save my marriage?

[TrentC]

So I'm at work, and H calls me crying. Saying he has just been so humiliated by my father. That he has never been more embarrassed. That his family is still so nice to me, inviting me to family functions treating me like I'm still a part of the family. And my dad treated him like crap. Now he was not rude, did not say anything offensive, was just kind of quiet holding in his fury with my H.

Your father and your husband need to work that out between the two of them. That has nothing to do with you.

He also said, "How are we ever going to have a chance to work on this if your dad treats me like that?" There is no way I'm coming home now!!

And this is a perfect example of "gaslighting". He's making something that your father did your fault.

I apologized for my father's behavior and told him he is just upset because he sees H like a son, and doesn't know how to act in this situation.

I wouldn't have apologized for your dad, but you were right to point out that this is between the two of them. At some point, they will have to come to terms if your husband decides to reconcile with you.

I am now worried that this is the last straw. It seems like something keeps happening every single week.

Yep. And things like this will happen every week or so until things work out. Just relax; it happens.

Yes he continues to get over it, but this time he was in tears. He admitted that this has nothing to do with me, I wasn't there, I am not them, but he also stated that he is not coming home.

"I'm sorry you feel that way. I'll call you regarding the pickup schedule for the boys later this weekend. Gotta run!" *click*

I dont know what to do. I don't know what else to say to H. I'm scared to death that these things keep happening and sooner or later H isn't going to get over them like he has in the past. HELP!!!!!!!!

But thing to remember is: he is getting over them every time. After the debacle of the holiday party, things got to the point where he was willing to come back home!

Your prescription for this weekend is to keep on like nothing happened. Don't talk about your H with your parents any more, and don't bring up your father with your H. Don't bring up coming home, just keep on with business as usual.

If you can do that -- once he gets over his bruised feelings -- your husband might change his mind again.

(And seriously -- crying to you because your dad was mean to him? He needs to grow up...)

[TrentC]

Something you can do, as you slowly make progress towards turning things around:

Take a 3x5 card and start making a list of notable positive goalposts in this process. Things like asking if he can come back home again (even if that's gotten derailed temporarily) can be good things to meditate on at times like this.

And did you get your prescription filled??

[Gnosis]

OK Britt, I know women don't like to hear this, but "CALM DOWN!"

You are not responsible for your parents. You do NOT have to apologize for them and their behavior to your H. They are adults and can make up their own minds and have their own feelings - just like your H.

He was embarrassed? Shame, poor, poor baby. -- And GOOD for you (store this knowledge and guard it safely... this is a key for you)

His family is nice to you because you DON'T DESERVE the way he is treating you. Plain and simple. As for:

"How are we ever going to have a chance to work on this if your dad treats me like that? There is no way I'm coming home now!!"

WAaaa, WAaaaa, WAS script. Plain and simple. Emotional blackmail. This ONE little incident has nothing to do with you. You should have stopped, listened... then during a period of silence told him, "Grow up! I don't control my parents or their feelings just like I don't control yours. Unless you have something to say that I really want to hear... don't waste my time. Bye." .... then hangup.

Pull out your big girl panties woman. Don't let him guilt, emotionally blackmail or gas-light you anymore.

I don't know what else to say to H. I'm scared to death that these things keep happening and sooner or later H isn't going to get over them like he has in the past.

All this is BULLSH!T... gas-lighting and trying to project his guilt onto you. YOU have done NOTHING wrong and he knows it.

I gotta run. Just posted to let you know someone (me) is watching and supporting because the weekends are slowwwww on the board.

So relax, calm down and enjoy the weekend with your folks. Don't blame them. Your dad did the RIGHT thing. COOL!!!! You're lucky to have a dad like that. Thank him for me.

[Gnosis]

Wow... Trent was posting the same time as me, with the same comments... Ahem, Britt... TWO guys here... telling you more or less the same thing.

Thanks Trent. I'm giving the ball back to you.

[Lll54]

Okay,,,,deep breath.

Trent, yes I filled the prescription. I started taking them yesterday morning. I know I did nothing wrong, my sister who was there said he is really really overreacting. She said Dad wasn't rude at all. Just not as talkative. So H must be looking for a reason to back out again. It just sucks. I know he keeps getting over these things that happen but when is it going to be the last straw? When is he going to be fed up with getting over them? I know he is just upset and takes it out on me, and this is a pattern. I don't know what you mean about the card Trent? Can you explain that better?

Gnosis, I know this ONE incident has nothing to do with me, but I just feel like there is ONE incident every week and sooner or later he is going to get to the end of the string. I'll give him a few days to cool off, and hopefully he gets over it like in the past. I did explain that I can't help what my dad says or does and he replied with well it doesn't matter cause I'm not coming home anyways. I didn't know what to say to that. Emotional blackmail? Interesting that is what it is isn't it? How do you stop them from doing that? He has said the same thing three times now. I would like to have worked on things but now that this happened....how do you respond and get past this?

[Gnosis]

Emotional blackmail?

Yup!

Interesting that is what it is isn't it?

Yup!

He has said the same thing three times now

Yup!

how do you respond?

Exactly the way I wrote to you in my previous post.

how do you get past this?

Stop Worrying And Start Living aka GAL.
And actually that's a great book for you to start reading. The author is Dale Carnegie -- get it.

[Kettricken]

Deep breaths.

This (especially this) has nothing to do with you.

If he's going to get to "the end of his string" over incidents like this, there is absolutely NOTHING you can do to prevent it, therefore there is nothing for you to do here except to keep on your path. Don't get reactive and try to manage/calm his emotions. I'm sure you can see how that is the worst thing you could do, for *both* of you.

The less you react to these tempests-in-a-teacup, the sooner he will abandon that (conscious or unconscious) tactic. IMHO.

[motherof3]

Hi Brit,

Sounds like you are getting solid advice here. I just want to reinterate that you do NOT have control over your Dad's and H's sitch. Focus on what you DO have control over and that is yourself.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Wow... Trent was posting the same time as me, with the same comments... Ahem, Britt... TWO guys here... telling you more or less the same thing.

Thanks Trent. I'm giving the ball back to you.

Um, make that THREE.

Next!!

Puppy

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Britt,

How your father treated your husband is a direct consequence of your husband's poor behavior and decisions.

Nothing else.

CONSEQUENCES.

Puppy