Kerry, the monk is very hesitant about me trying again with H. He asked to speak to H last time he was here but H "was too busy and would think about it". He never went to meet him.
I know that there are men that can treat me the way i want to be treated. No doubts there. I guess i want something easy, effortless, mutual, with the right timing, same level of maturity etc etc. I want some happiness.
Today I was on yahoo and saw H online. I sent him a hello on Im and he never answered. For some reason it seemed fishy and I called him. He was in his car and said he wasnt online, while we were talking he went offline and online again. I told him about it and he said that wasnt possible. He insisted no one could log on to his account because no one had his password. I said maybe someone does now, someone hacked it? He said no way.
30 minutes later he called me from his work. He said he couldnt log on to his account. Someone had hacked it and changed his password. I guess she is getting restless. I didnt say much. she knows now H wants back. She read it obviously. H got very upset. I think he is trying to avoid any kind of confrontation with OW. I am curious to see if he called her to ask her if she did that. K
What I am reading, and you can certainly correct me, is that you are really having a hard time deciding to be in. Which, all things considered, isn't very difficult to believe. In a way, I think it's a question that needs to be answered independently of what your H wants, or is doing. In my opinion, if you can't do it, you can't do it. It's got more to do with the past than the future.
The fact that your head tells you that you "should" try doesn't mean that you heart can. There was a lot of damage done, it might not be possible to get past it, no matter how "logical" it seems.
I think you should try to get some real alone time, to let you meditate, and have a little talk with your little voice.
I think dating anyone else would be a bad plan, it's going to muddy your mind a lot more than it's going to clear it. We all know that there are men that will treat you the way you should be treated. I know that you want to feel that, really I do! But I don't think it's time.
And if you do date, the fella could start falling for you and you for him. Then if your H finally gets his sh!t together and starts trying to win you back, you then have to chose between 2. Is that fair to the new fella?
You dont want to be singing this song in your future (notice she is a red head)...
This feeling you have, these thoughts in your head, until/unless you are 100% positive you are done with your husband, you stand an amazing chance of hurting some poor person who doesn't deserve it, and if you do hurt someone you're the type of person who will hurt themselves in the process as well.
It is not worth it Kalni. It really isn't. It is a horrible feeling to live with.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
"I know that there are men that can treat me the way i want to be treated. No doubts there. I guess i want something easy, effortless, mutual, with the right timing, same level of maturity etc etc. I want some happiness."
I know this may look a little like Kettle=Black since I have been socially interacting, however, I have to agree with Kerry, Jeff, et al, that it doesn't seem like a good idea in your circumstance.
Keep in mind that it's usually (always?) a trade. A relationship that is "easy, effortless," etc. looks like magical thinking to me. From what we see here, over & over again, it's the Walk-a-way stance mostly seen when they find OP in the beginning.
As much as I've tried to take precautions in my 'dating' NG, I know there would be plenty of hurt if I R'd w/H, even if he does say he's a big boy & knows there are no guarantees.
Your sitch is in a different place. It's in more of the in or out stage.
"H got very upset. I think he is trying to avoid any kind of confrontation with OW."
Can you make a special weekend appearance and explain that you have no (and never had) intention of dating anybody but your husband please! You seemed to have caused quite a stir.....
Thanks John. H gave me a very expensive purse for my nameday.
I think if I didnt feel some is missing, dating or thoughts of a different future wouldnt come to mind. I sound like a WA? Fine with me. At one point it doenst matter what it is called. I am thinking of myself for a change. Which feels good. K
I wasn't aware it was your name day. Happy name day, Maria! I'll have to remember the date.
You can't be a WAS since you are reacting to all the pain of your H's PA and walking out on your M. You're not sure if you can ever forgive him for all the pain and all the damage he has caused. You need certain things from him and although the very expensive purse is nice, you need a lot more actions of love from him on a consistent basis. You don't want the H of the last 3+ years and unless he can prove to you that he has changed or is taking concrete steps to change and will never do this again, you're not sure if "you're in 100%". I am living these feelings too (minus the desire to date other men). I understand the dilemma.
Me47 H46 S13 M16 Piecing since May/09
"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz
and he doesnt,I want to quit. I am thinking of quiting.
Originally Posted By: J3B
This feeling you have, these thoughts in your head, until/unless you are 100% positive you are done with your husband, you stand an amazing chance of hurting some poor person who doesn't deserve it, and if you do hurt someone you're the type of person who will hurt themselves in the process as well.
It is not worth it Kalni. It really isn't. It is a horrible feeling to live with.
Time, Kalni, time. Time will give you answers. It's not quitting Kalni. It's growing, maturing and reaching a realization that either your marriage is worth fighting for, or that the match is not right and is more destructive than emotionally satisfying.
Time Kalni. There is no rush. Although I am not the poster boy of saving a marriage, I CAN say that the old adage here on DB that "you will know when you are done"...is true. I can also state that making a rapid decision is NOT good (yes, a few months after learning the truth IS fast).
Time.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
