Actually LL, I do understand but from a different perspective. A need is a need and it's very frustrating when it is not being met no matter what it is.
I do understand what it is like to be sitting in a room with your spouse and yet feeling very alone. For me, it was a lack of emotional intimacy that made me feel lonely. I could have had about as much companionship if you painted a face on a rock and sat it in the recliner. We had physical intimacy but lacked the emotional connection which is important to me. I don't think my x even knew I existed outside of bed-it was disappointing when I wanted so much more. Disappointing when I wanted to be recognized and appreciated as a woman with her own mind, likes, and dislikes. Even some nonsexual physical intimacy would have been nice-holding hands, hugging, etc but that was always interpreted as SEX. As a result, the physical intimacy eventually died because I felt resentful and basically--USED. I also suffered from clinical depression from living in a situation where my needs were not getting met--and that killed any desire I had left. Most women would have left and sometimes I question why I stayed so long.
Do you know what it's like to have sex but NOT spend the day laughing and sharing moments with your spouse because there is no emotional connection? It's not much fun either. If it was just physical intimacy that I wanted and needed, I probably could've been just as satisfied with my vibrator because it had just about as much personality as my x.
My point to Cemar was that he should either decide if he wants to work on it, or he wants out. One thing is for sure, if things keep on the way they are going, I can just about predict the outcome. The reason that I think he should be the one to change is because he is the one that recognizes the severity of the problem. His wife may be clueless and really not aware of his distress. I'm betting that if he, as Tony said, told his wife that he was thinking about hookers or finding someone who really enjoys sex, it would either wake her up and spurn her into action or make her realize that the R is over. It's not a case that one person's need in the R is more important than the others-they are both important just in different ways.
I'm a little different from most here. I don't believe that all marriages can or even should be saved. But I do believe that one should not take the route of divorce before trying EVERYTHING to fix it-therapy, overturning every stone looking for a solution first. Some differences truly are just too insurmountable but I think what is lacking in most cases is the patience and commitment to hang in there and work on it. Most people just fall down before the wind blows and give up without really exhausting all possibilities. I don't think anyone should ever stifle a need but they should get it out there and talk about it. In other words, sometimes rocking the boat is necessary-otherwise, it gets swept under the carpet until it blows, then there is no going back.
Don't mean to offend anyone-just offering a different point of view.
