He wants to come home....HELP!

[Ready2Change]

Tell him you need some time and space to think about it. You are not in a rush to make a decision.

This is great advise. IF YOU LET HIM BACK IN THE HOUSE, YOU DID NOT FOLLOW THIS ADVISE!

Then think about how you really want you marriage to be.
What needs to improve? Stop?
What issues do you need addressed about your H?
How will you measure the change?
What happens if things don't change?
What does your husband want from you?

These will be great points for discussion at MC.

This is a great opportunity to heal, make changes and move forward together. Be wise. You can handle it.

Coach is Wise. Great advise. The key to this is to KEEP DOING WHAT WORKS.

[Ready2Change]

... Actions not words....Slow down, make sure the work is being done before you let your husband back in.

Time is still your friend. H will keep chasing you. PATIENCE is your friend.

It is very important for you to determine and set your BOUNDARIES right now.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Now, here is my question....do I let him come back to the spare room or back to our room?

Since you already said that he'll be there tomorrow nite and the next nite anyway, and that TONITE is the very first thing that is DIFFERENT, I would answer him:

"No. I'm not ready for that yet. We can talk more later this weekend."

I'm with Coach. He needs to earn his way back. If he calls out of the blue, wanting to come back -- tonite -- and you let him in, then what has changed??

Maybe next week, he can come back to the spare room. Maybe.

Puppy

[praying_in_GA]

Ok, thanks everyone. I will do just that. I am out to dinner with friends now so I won't talk to him again until tomorrow.

So, don't move back in, give me space, and keep him chasing. Gotcha.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Just be LOVING about it. Not b*tchy or vindictive. Just strong, matter-of-fact, loving.

Have fun tonite!

Puppy

[gucci loafer]

He said he has been thinking a lot the last few weeks. He said this is what he wants to do. He does not want to make any promises to me because he has hurt me enough but that he knows he wants to work with me.

THOSE words in red are your key that he should NOT be allowed back in with you. You MUST stand strong because of those very words. They could very well be the words of a man who has been dumped by another woman and can't live alone. He SHOULD be telling you this if he is serious...

"I know you may not believe me because I have broken so many promises and hurt you so much, but I AM serious and I do love you and miss you and will do anything I can to get you to trust me again. I promise to do whatever it takes to repair our relationship and never hurt you again.. etc. etc."

He did NOT say that or anything like that.
A person with the correct self esteem (meaning YOU) doesn't demand promises but doesn't budge from their position without them.

He is HEDGING. You are leaving him an out to come back and say.. "Well I told you I wasn't goin to promise you anything and now you are pressuring me again"


Tell him firmly and nicely that you TOO have been doing some thinking and since he told you he can make no promises that YOU HAVE decided that you are not going to make any either and that at this time then you think he should continue to think about things.


When a man loves a woman in the right way he WILL make promises. Ask the men on this site who lost their wives. Read their threads and see what THEY will do and say to their wives.
THAT is how a man who is serious will respond to you.


I am not saying that he has to promise you things that are not realistic or unreasonable. I AM telling you that you better go back and read those words again because you may be so glad to hear what you WANTED to hear that you missed the things that you SHOULD be hearing and are close to overlooking. It is better he stay and keep thinking about what he may have lost than to let him come home too soon and leave again later.


Do not force him or pressure him to make any promises. You get him to make them by telling him that you just don't feel right and you need some time to think this over and that you can't make any promises to him either.


Then it is HIS move. Watch, listen and observe. Don't gloss over ANY words. Don't be so caught up in him saying he wants to come home that you miss the other things he has said that many people don't catch.

[praying_in_GA]

Thanks Gucci.

Dinner and a movie was great!! We had so much fun.

I forgot to say, H was at the house when I left. I wore a new pair of jeans and a new shirt. I looked good in clothes that fit. He looked up as I came down the stairs, I said so how do I look? He said "uhhh, you look.....good. Really good...." It made me smile. LOL!! He sees what he is missing now.

I will keep you all informed. Than you for your help. I will follow your advice. Time to keep him chasing me!

[Puppy Dog Tails]

He is HEDGING. You are leaving him an out to come back and say.. "Well I told you I wasn't goin to promise you anything and now you are pressuring me again"


Tell him firmly and nicely that you TOO have been doing some thinking and since he told you he can make no promises that YOU HAVE decided that you are not going to make any either and that at this time then you think he should continue to think about things.


When a man loves a woman in the right way he WILL make promises. Ask the men on this site who lost their wives. Read their threads and see what THEY will do and say to their wives.
THAT is how a man who is serious will respond to you.

BINGO.

[gucci loafer]

I will keep you all informed. Than you for your help. I will follow your advice. Time to keep him chasing me!

You sound VERY HEALTHY. Healthy is good. Allow him to chase.
If he is serious he will do what is necessary. He will convince you.

Good job on the going out and looking good. Excellent.
Be mysterious.

[praying_in_GA]

He said that our talk that afternoon gave him a lot to think about. He said he still doesn't feel it is right to tell me he loves me, but he is willing to open his heart and mind to that. (Remember, he said he is 'blank' when he sees me. I have hurt him several times in the past and I am okay with giving him time to feel that love again.) He said he could tell by our convo that I was switching between excited and scared. I must have a bad poker face! LOL! He saw something in me at that moment and he wants to give this a try. He said he knows this is where he wants to be. He was not happy at his sisters and he missed his home.

I told him that I was still not comfortable with him 'thinking' he wants to try to make this marriage work. I said that he was not happy because it hadn't been long enough and that if he were to keep at it he would find a way to be happy away from us. He laughed and said "You are saying all of the things I should be thinking....but I could never get there." I told him this house is his comfort zone and so of course he wouldn't want to leave and that until he was 'sure' he wanted to work on this I did not want him back. I said this will be a long process and that we should take it slow. He said he thought it would be better for him to leave and that we should both be completely 'in-love' with our spouses, but he now sees that life just isn't that simple.

It wasn't until I was willing to let him go that he came back so it makes me scared to welcome him home. If he can leave when he feels like it and then just come back as soon as he wants, what it to say he won't do it again? I did tell him that if he leaves again I will not tolerate it and we will get divorced.

He understand what I am saying and why I am saying it. He said he will do whatever I want him to do to get him home. He said he will go to counseling (but he still doesn't see how it will help him). He said this is where he wants to be and he wants to put the work into us. He said I am worth it and I deserve it. He has seen the changes I have made and if we both keep working at it he knows things will be better. He said he knows we can have the marriage we both deserve. He thought that marriage should come easy but now he sees that it takes work and commitment from both sides. He agreed to me having open access to all of his information (cell/email/etc).

I told him if we were to make this work I would need him to become more physically affectionate. He is a shy person and I am his first relationship ever so this is an area he is just not good at! I would also need his help and support in moving the kids to their own beds and to an earlier bed time. I want us to have more time as a couple and time alone. It is time we put our marriage FIRST before the kids and the rest of life. He agreed.

So, for now that is where we are at. He is coming to stay with the kids tonight and Sunday day/night. Next week is Thanksgiving and he will lose his room at his sisters house for a few days. He said he is happy to sleep on her couch or to go to his brothers if I still don't want him home by then. He said he will do whatever I need him to do.

ETA: I also told him that if we are going to move forward here he MUST communicate with me. I am not a mind-reader, I cannot tell when he is unhappy and what would make him feel better. I said that this is something I will not tolerate. We will have time to talk without judging, interruptions, or fighting. We must come to an understanding about this or we will never get past the moving back in stage.