K4D Rising #4

[K4D]

As far as assumptions go, the rule here is believe nothing you hear and only 50% of what you see. And from already confirming 2 guys and possibly a 3rd. I feel safe in making my assumptions.

My W is also a darn good actress. She should be given an Oscar for her performances.

Kevin

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I doubt you will, but I highly recommend you go get the "Boundaries in Marriage" book by Cloud and Townsend, Christian authors. You can even get an audio version if you don't want to read it!

In short, if you establish boundaries, a person's initial reaction may be to pull away or get hostile, because you just changed the rules on them and they are thrown off...

If they value your relationship, it doesn't take too long for them to get on board.

If they continue to be hostile and pull away, then you figured out they don't value your relationship. Not just spouses, but friends, family members, etc etc...

The regular "Boundaries" book is great, too, more general. In the end it says that healthy boundaries help you realize which people in your life are there for the right reasons and which people are not good for you...

BINGO.

One of the misconceptions about DBing, in my opinion, is the "Do what works" thing. The problem is that people mis-define "works" as being "what doesn't make her/him angry" and "what makes her/him act nice towards me." Instead of as "what moves me further along down the path toward a mutually-healthy and committed marriage."

Sometimes one has to take a short-term "hit" in the "nice" department in order to solidify a healthier, longer-term gain.

Puppy

[4luv]

wow....that boundaries thing that puppy just defined is soo true..."have to take a short term hit in the nice department." this just happened to me when i told my hubby that i would now be part of an open marriage (both emotionally or physical) and i didn't know if i had done something wrong in terms of DBing but we shall see. he responded with an "ok" buthas tried to push my limits in some of his actions and became more distant. but i know that eevn if our marriage works this is one thing that i will not waver on and if he doesn't abide by that then i don't want him or the marriage!

[M25]

This is an excellenct book. I wish I would have read it years ago! Puppy's advice is always right on target! I'm going to be re-reading my notes I took from this book. Boundaries is definitely something I need to get better at.

[K4D]

I will check out that book.

As far as the date goes, turns out she can't make it. She has prior plans she can't get out of. Thats fine. I will just not go. My dad arrives in town tomorrow night anyways. Driving from Charlotte.

He is talking about us going to the casino at the winstar in Oklahoma next weekend. That should be cool.

He also suggested sprinkling some holy water on the turkey that my W is baking for us when she brings it over just to be on the safe side. lol. Never know I guess. Maybe let her take the first bite or something.

Kevin

[K4D]

W just sent me an email reminding me to buy tickets to D11's choir concert next Sunday night. She told me the section they would be sitting in and said I could to. Ya, right. Her mom would have a fit if I sat in that section. Who is she kidding. Not that her mom could do anything about it.

Holiday garbage. I used to love the holidays. It was my favorite time of year. Now I truly hate the holidays with a passion. Can they just hurry up and pass by?

Kevin

[aliveandkicking]

BINGO.

One of the misconceptions about DBing, in my opinion, is the "Do what works" thing. The problem is that people mis-define "works" as being "what doesn't make her/him angry" and "what makes her/him act nice towards me." Instead of as "what moves me further along down the path toward a mutually-healthy and committed marriage."

Sometimes one has to take a short-term "hit" in the "nice" department in order to solidify a healthier, longer-term gain.

Puppy

That is the brutal reality.

[25yearsmlc]

BINGO.

One of the misconceptions about DBing, in my opinion, is the "Do what works" thing. The problem is that people mis-define "works" as being "what doesn't make her/him angry" and "what makes her/him act nice towards me." Instead of as "what moves me further along down the path toward a mutually-healthy and committed marriage."

Sometimes one has to take a short-term "hit" in the "nice" department in order to solidify a healthier, longer-term gain.

Puppy

That is the brutal reality.

Absolutely true. Many LBSers think making the WAS "mad" is a bad thing that MUST be avoided at all costs. It's conflict avoidance on the part of the LBSer that ends up often bringing about the very thing the LBSer fears the most; i.e., the WAS leaving and staying gone. And fwiw, the Boundaries book isn't only for Christians but I particularly suggest it for those who use their faith as a tool to justify inaction or "not hurting the WAS" with their conflict avoidance. If you want "permission" to set and enforce boundaries, (leaving that issue itself alone for now...) then definitely read the book.

Boundaries are healthy & mandatory. I read somewhere that "Disclipine is a form of love" and it clearly applied to raising children. Sometimes boundaries are the same thing for adults. Seems ironic but setting and enforcing boundaries requires discipline on the part of the one setting them, and it's not for the lazy or the cowardly. But it is for the successful DBers around here. Every one of us who has managed to reconcile AND stay m, has had to set and enforce a boundary that was not easy or comfortable. Boundaries & some form of healthy detachment from results, are what we have in common.
j-

[antlers]

If you operate on the basis of fear...you're almost guaranteed to create the very thing you're afraid of!

[Tomato]

If you operate on the basis of fear...you're almost guaranteed to create the very thing you're afraid of!

i'll give that a nod of approval