Is this the end of my marriage?

[P17]

The NC today is sort of going well. I actually feel pretty bad about it all but I know this will get easier. It's just a matter of persevering with it.

I contacted one of her friends today to ask if they would call me. Haven't heard yet. Part of the NC plan was speak to 2-3 friends and just let them know that I love W but I need to move on and would they look out for her as I am not going to be around anymore. I will see how things go with this friend and if it goes well will contact the other 2 and do the same. That will be about as far as it goes as I don't want to make things awkward or look like I'm being vindictive. I just want to be loving, caring but determined and resigned to the fact that I need to move on without W.

All of my friends now know that I do NOT want to know anymore about anything they hear about them. The only thing I want to hear is if he leaves. One of my friends said yesterday that they saw him and he looks very tall and handsome ... WTF kind of thing is that to say to me??!?

I went to where W worked today so that I could drop off a few things she gave D on Wednesday when she was over. She was working but I made sure she wasn't at her desk when I dropped the things off. I didn't want to keep them here in case she initiated contact to get them back. I thought get them out the way now.

Finally W has my D's car seat in her car and has had since we separated. It's never been taken out. I have a car seat built into my car so I don't need it. It's also a bit small for D. My plan, however nasty this may sound, is to leave W with it (unless she gives it back) for a while and let it remind her of my D and when she used to sit in it - my W has been a part of my D's life since she was 2 (she is now almost 9). I want her to realise the consequences of her actions and what she has done to her own life and my D's life. Even if it just tugs at her heart strings or makes her think of D once in a while that will be enough for me. However, getting it back will actually require contact so it's easier just leaving it there!

I know this is wrong but I want to do it and be damn with how it appears.

I was actually hoping that W would contact me today to say something. But I got nothing. I know this is part of the withdrawal process for me (the clinging) and I need to stay strong. I have done so far, I haven't contacted her.

D wants to make a goodbye card for W. Not sure how I will play that but I promised her I would get it to D (I will put it in the post).