What percentage of couples really are equally sexually compatible? In every relationship isnt one always in the mood when the other one isn't. Or doesn't one require more sex than the other on a daily or weekly basis. Isn't one satisfied with oral sex and the other with penetration? Or...isn't one satisfied with sex in any form as long as it results in an orgasm while the other would rather have long passionate sex and intimacy even if it doesnt result in an orgasm for both?! I posted a thread 2 hours ago and no one will advise me. But as I'm reading through this forum it seems everyones complaint is how much or how often their sexual encounters. But what about quality. Me and my fiance have quality sex we both have an orgasm, usually two. But he still complains. I see people here who make dates for sex or have sex once every 3 months or don't have orgasms at all. What the @#)$*$ is his problem. He led me to believe we are were sexually disfunctional because we aren't having sex for 3 hours straight, 5 times a week, but MOST COUPLES AREN'T!
Good point. I think more appropriate to ask, how often are your needs met, in tune with each others needs, willingness to satisfy needs, by whatever means, i.e. emotionally or physically. Dysfunction implies that there is an imbalance, usually from the unwillingness of your partner to reach a mutual compromise. If you are able to come to some common ground, reaching a compromised solution, then you may fit in the neat description of "sexually compatible". All couples have times when needs go unmet, through illness, travel, work,kids, many reasons really. Either you reach a coping mechanism, give up, or look elsewhere to have those needs met, we all find a way to adapt. Happy couples discover this early. Divorced couples do not. And then there is the rest of us, suffering in SSM, hoping for some sort of solution. Keep talking and exchanging ideas, I have found it very helpful.
Sexual desire is an individual thing. It's not a couples thing. We all have our own distinct level of desire and likes and dislikes as far as sex is concerned. You have to mesh the two individuals and come up with a compromise that is satisfactory to both.
I need to tell you two things. You have posted to a forum that doesn't stay activel like some of the others. It takes longer to get responses here because of that inactivity. The other thing, your posts don't illicit much sympathy for you. You don't seem to have much empathy for his point of view and you come across as wanting it to be an "I'm right, he is wrong" kind of argument when it isn't at all. You will get responses and good ones too but you will have to be patient because most of the folks who post here do so in the evenings.
I read your other thread early and found it interesting. It's interesting that you are about to marry and start a life with someone you are not physically interested in. You have already judged his penis as too small. You have already judged the sex as less than satisfactory and you are already admitting to be satisfied if it only occurs once every 3 weeks. You seem to feel that he has a severe problem with his desire to have sex with the person he loves and wants to build a life with. Have you thought that maybe the majority of the problem lies in the fact that you are not interested in that way in the man you are about to marry?
Could your attitude about his ability to please you, you lack of interest in him and you inability to understand his need to connect intimately with the woman he loves be playing a role in his excessive need for sex? Maybe the man is trying to hard becaues he can sense your lack of satisfaction. Maybe his constant need is driven by a desire to finally please you like all those other great lovers were able to.
I will be honest with you. You are about to do the cruelest thing a person can do to another human being. You are about to take vows to love and honor someone you are not interested in sexually. Marriage is a comittment to another person. It means working to meet their needs not dismiss them because they don't jive with your needs.
Let me ask you a question. If he were 8 inches long and blew your socks off in bed would you be more interested in sex with him? Would your desire for more increase? You see, this man isn't juding you by the size of your vagina or your breasts. He has an honest sexual desire for the woman he is about to marry and is probably completely unaware that she could take it or leave it because his penis is not big enough. You want sex a couple of times a month just to take the edge off. He wants sex to feel connected to you emotionally. Read that statement and tell me who it is in that partnership that has the true problem....the person who wants to use sex to take the edge off or the person who wants to use sex to connect with their partner?
If he could stop nagging you about the sex issue everything would be fine? It would be fine in your little part of the world but what about his? Do you care whether things are find for him or not? This is the impression I get from your post....you were looking for the complete package, in your mind you are willing to sacrifice the sexual part of the relationship to get what you need in a partner. The problem with this though, is that you have chosen to attach yourself who needs the sexual aspect of the relationship and you really have very little concern for what he might need. Step outside yourself and your lack of desire for this man and try to see it from his perspective. Read the posts on this board and look at the pain that comes from living with a spouse that does not want you sexually. Try and feel compassion for the man who is about to comittment himself to loving and honoring you. Do you really care enough about this person with the less than adequate penis to marry him? Cathy~
I'm really not judging him as the wrong one, quite the contrary. I want input from someone like you that will tell me frankly YOU ARE WRONG. I'm looking for validation in either direction, just validation. I know that sex is important in any relationship and I have read the posts from miserable members that aren't having it...BUT WE ARE HAVING IT and he still complains. I just don't think sex is everything nor is penis size, if I thought it was I wouldn't be marrying him. I say he's a good partner and I concentrate his other attributes because sex is and should be 10% of you married life. You both are doing and engaged in a lot of other activities and project 90% of the time. If I leave him and marry someone else for the sex then what do we talk about, what do we share, what interests do we participate in TOGETHER...THE OTHER 90% of the time. Sex is soooo important because people make it sooo important. What happens when you two are old and physically cant perform or when the other is going through an illness and they can't have sex? Does anyone care about how you co-exist throught those times?
Yes, there are sexually compatible couples. I consider my H and I sexually compatible in spite of a difference in desire level. We're compatible in the importance we place on it within our marriage. We're compatible in the meaning we place on sex. It is this compatibility which keeps the differences in our desire level and the ups and downs that have occurred in our sex life from having a detrimental effect on our marriage. I don't even think this type of compatibility is essential as long as you're aware of where the differences are, accept the differences, and figure out a way to handle them which works for the two of you.
I would not doubt that there is positive correlation between high desire for sex and the high level of importance and meaning of sex. They aren't exactly the same thing, however. You need to find out how important sex is to him with respect to its role and meaning within marriage, its meaning to him as an expression of love, and what his expectations are of you in terms of meeting his sexual needs. It will be these things, more than his physical attributes, that you will need to accept as being an essential part of who he is. The likelihood of your changing his mind about these things is pretty slim. Ideally, he will accept your view of these things as being an essential part of you and just as valid. The likelihood of his changing your mind is equally slim.
You then keep the communication lines open regarding sexual needs. This will be particularly important if the two of you don't share the same view of the meaning of sex. You will need to plan on and accept that you will be having sex more often than you need and at times when you're not really into it. And ideally, he will need to plan on and accept getting turned down probably more often than he would like. Of course, you only have control over yourself and your own response.
Consider having a conversation about the meaning of sex, regardless of issues of desire, frequency, and quality. Don't let it turn into a debate as to the "right" way to think about sex. You're finding out more about each other not trying to change each other.
Thanks a lot to you and everyone who has responded and who will respond, it is very helpful to hear a neutral opinion, a frank opinion from anonymous people. I'm sick of telling friends too much (Although none know about this issue). This is very therapeutic, I was hesitant but I'm glad I logged on.
Cathy is right on the money! Here is how I see it. You are not satisfied with his size and or performance which makes you less interested, he knows it, he sences that, he feels inadequet, and wants to have more, he is searching for whatever it is that HE can provide that will please and satisfy you, which please himself in the process. If both of you don't figure this out and this continues, and you get married it will get worse! This is a plan for disaster.
Bottom line is this... if you love this man, both of you need to do what needs to be done, or get out now!
