Moving on with my life!

[Startingover2]

Thanks ST...I am trying to put out a positive attitude when in public but I really don't see many people outside my girlfriends and mommy group. They have been doing the MNF at a restraunt/bar so that leaves me out because of baby.

He brought my cs check by yesterday. I sent him a text in the morning telling him that if he is able to buy new tires and go out of town next weekend then he is able to pay cs.

I also saw an email from him to mgf telling her to delete my d18 off of her fb. So funny. I am sure he isn't happy with that. I looked and she hasn't deleted her yet. Maybe it got her thinking. Part of me says she is a cheater and deserves whatever happens but she still has a chance to salvage her M as everyone knows exh is never going to be what she wants him to be.

My next discussion with exh will be that he cannot drop by when he feels like it. He did that twice in the last few days. No call. No text. Just a knock at the door. Irritating!

[Startingover2]

I was in a huge funk these past few days and now starting over this week. There are alot of things going on in my life that make it difficult..not just exh. He is just a piece of the puzzle. Im completely broke.

Wasn't supposed to be this way when I was growing up. I was told not to worry by my father, that things were set up and I would never have to worry about money. Well my very naieve mother made some changes and bad decisions a few years back and that has all changed now. She is doing ok, but my future was given away. I now at middle age have to worry about finding a job. I have never worked a day in my life. I now am a single mother with a toddler at 44 with a dwindling income. I have huge resentment towards my mom at times, but I try and understand that she was very naieve and taken advantage of by certain people and talked into making changes from the things my dad had set up. Its hard though. I know she is worried too, but never ever apologizes to me or even acknowledges (sp) that she screwed up. She should have left things the way they were.

So that has been on my mind as well. My d20 came for a visit this weekend. It was nice to see her, but I don't see her that much because she is so busy when she is here. She also stays at her dads because she knows I won't let them sleep together at my house. He will. I just can't do that. But spending time with her I think she is happy. Her bf seems nice and whatever was going on a few months ago seems to be better. She has visited more often lately and I really think she is missing her baby sister alot. Thats fine. I am always happy to see her, but when she leaves its like saying goodbye all over again. I hate it.

I am really trying to align myself back with God again. For some reason it makes exh uncomfortable and he makes little comments like I think I am perfect now. I don't at all. He is just living a horribly immoral life.

So, thats it. Going to find a positive attitude today. Even if it comes and goes.

[Startingover2]

Oh, I forgot.

Exh was at a hunting function that my son and his father were at on Saturday. I guess exh was always running to the truck for something and would not even look at either my exh1 or my son. He left fairly quickly too. My guess is he was drinking and there is no way he wanted ex1 or my son to see him doing that as he knows they would tell me.

Its hard to hide in a small town!

[Startingover2]

Things have been quiet here lately. Exh came on Monday for a short visit and then we both had a 4H function with our other kids. He came and sat by us..most likely to look like dad of the year and so people wouldn't talk. He makes a few texts asking how she is but thats it. He is supposed to be leaving town this weekend...looking forward to that.

Busy with the other kids. Thanksgiving on the horizon next week. I plan on stopping by exh's for an hour or so. I don't want to stay long. Oh, his sister left me a message telling me to split exh's list with him on what he has to bring for Tgiving. That would be like 5 things! Um, no....I will bring a simple dessert. Probably won't make dinner anyway.

[S.T. _I Made It!]

I'm sorry about the whole job thing. I've been kinda spoiled myself, I haven't worked a "real" job in probably 10 years. My thoughts are, if I can make money from home, or on my own time, why should I get a real job!? I don't ever plan to work 9-5 again!

maybe your mom is too embarrassed to apologize? that would really stink to have been the reason to lose such security for someone. Surely deep down, she does feel bad about what happened. But, even though, we must rely on our own means because we never know what can happen. I'm sorry that you've been put in this position. What are things that you enjoy doing? do you have any special talents? perhaps think on these things to try to find a niche that you can create an income with.

hey, one thing I notice a lot, is the negative comments you assume about exH. Of course it's quite likely that all your assumptions are right, but I really think this does more harm than good. He is your babies dad and the more you do this, it will become habit and then character, and when your girl is older, you may not realize how you put him down and although we don't want her thinking he is a "perfect dad", we also don't want her to feel bad about her dad, or have a bad relationship with him. does that make sense? I know that he is not being the dad he should be, or the person he should be for that matter, but it is best to focus on the good that people do, no matter how little it may be, or how hard it is to find it.

or just don't focus on him at all!

what plans do you have for your exh free weekend?

[Startingover2]

The whole job things scares me. I think I would feel better had I better prepared myself 25 years ago for this. Back then...there were no worries. Things were set so I was told. Now just a few years ago I find out they aren't anymore. I think my mom feels guilty now, but she is just the type that won't admit it. She tries now to make it up in other ways which is nice, but that won't help me much when I am living on the street LOL. She is just that type of woman...nobody knows in our extended family that lives across the country that I am yet again divorced. Its embarrassing to her I guess.

I know I shouldn't harp on exh so much. I just do. I want baby to know her father, but I am not going to let it be a relationship like he has with his other girls. I would rather shield her from that. They have no trust in him, he has let them down again and again, they have seen horrible things because of him. The way its going...he will just get worse anyway.

[Startingover2]

Been doing better this week. Trying not to focus on things I cannot change. Living my life for baby and my other kids. Being the best parent and human being I can be.

So I just posted on a friend of mine FB comment she made about a great night she had with her new bf. Well, of course it sends you updates on any following comments. Evidently this 'friend' of mine is also friends with married gf. She left a comment right after mine. You can see her pic next to the comment and its one of her and exh. Arms around eachother, her head laying on his shoulder and smiling. She said in her comment "I love nights like that with the man you love". Ok, that fricking man you love...was MY HUSBAND!

Ouch.

There goes all of my "i don't care". It sucked to see that. How can it not? He was my husband, father of my child. One who tells me he loves and misses us.

Also, how can she do that? She is a married woman still living at home WITH her husband? She is trying to play happy relationship in such a dysfunctional way.

There goes my up mood.

[S.T. _I Made It!]

I know, it would be a really hard position to be in, in regards to protecting your D, and helping her have a good R with her dad. I know that you will make the best decisions you can though.

your also a smart woman and I'm sure you can figure out how to keep yourself off the streets

[JAK58]

SO2

Maybe it would be a good idea not to read thosae things. At least try to avoid them. MOW probably knows you are going to read them so she talks it up.

JAK

[Startingover2]

I agree Jak. Although it just popped up and there was nothing I could do about it. I didn't realize my friend was also MOW's friend. I am sure she did it to get to me.