Hope and heartache

[ClingingToHope]

Yesterday was really a down day for me. I don't know why. I have a full weekend so there isn't going to be too much time to sulk or worry about W.

This morning brought a twinge of pain. Yearly benefit enrollment wrapped up. My W works for an insurance company so this is always very easy. I've never been on my company plan and again this year I just had to turn in the form with "No change" on it.

A month ago W asked me to look into getting on my company plan. She estimated it would save her $80 per month if I got off her plan. She said I'd be kicked off it anyway when the divorce was final "mid-year."

She said she'd be filing soon.

Well she hasn't. I went to HR and instead of asking how much it would cost me to get on now I instead asked if I could join mid-year if I got divorced. They said yes, it's a qualifying event like getting married or having a baby -- good things.

So I sent W an email three weeks ago saying that I could join my insurance when we get divorced and I wasn't going to voluntarily get off of her plan (apparently she can't kick me off) because I can't afford to go on my own plan right now.

And I haven't heard anything about it since.

I'm still praying I won't ever get divorced. Last night, on the way home from a basketball game -- I'm keeping the scorebook for a local high school as a winter second job -- I totally broke down -- crying, why me, the whole bit. That was the first time in a couple of months. As soon as I got home I took a sleeping pill because I didn't want to toss and turn all night.