And, I would throw this out. If we accept as true, that a woman cannot love a man she does not respect (which I do), then why shouldn't the converse be just as true. If my W, then, were having an A (don't think this is involved in my sitch, but I am going with the hypothetical here), there is no doubt my respect for her would be absolute zero. So, how can I love, or more importantly, want to be friends with someone I do not respect?
It strikes me that where a WAS has an issue that engenders a loss of respect from the LBS, it is patently unreasonable for that WAS to expect the LBS to be "friends" with the WAS.
And I think this "friends" issue is something different from forgiveness. Being friends seems to me to be something for the benefit of the WAS, while forgiveness is something the LBS does for the LBS' benefit in order to unburden themselves.
I need more coffee!!
I had a choice of two responses to all of this:
Yup, Yup, Yup, and more Yup - GIMA do you have anything else I can agree to ;-)
or
"TRUE DAT MOFO!" (which is basically the same thing, agreeing with everything you said except adding some ethnic flavor to the response).
Seriously, all kidding aside (which is incredibly difficult as I love being a smart ass), stuff like this should be posted more often so that it can be "ingrained" (or is it engrained - my spelling is off lately) into people's minds. You not only deal with your specific situation but you have to learn the mechanics behind the relationship and what caused the problems to happen and then test & do things to see what works & what doesn't. Sounds very clinical & boring but hey, what else are you doing with your time other than posting on db.com
Here is an example and I sometimes wonder when people read this if they understand that there are things happening behind the scenes and that they can do things to shift gears and move in a different direction:
If we accept as true, that a woman cannot love a man she does not respect (which I do)
A woman cannot love a man she doesn't respect.
So if we do accept that as being true and you happen to be one of those unlucky blokes with a WAW who doesn't respect you and can't love you. What do you do?
Well why doesn't she respect you? Answer that. Go deep. Be honest, regardless if the answers are ugly & uncomfortable, it's definitely scary but push past those fears, embrace that it is fearful but you still have to do it and once you learn to embrace that fear and still persevere, you will develop more courage & confidence.
A few Questions to ask yourself about why she disrespects you so much: ======================================================================== Were you a doormat? Did she walk all over you? Did she wipe her feet on you? Did she talk poorly to you? Did you let her? Did she argue with you regularly? Did you argue back with her and respond emotionally? Did you give her bad behavior too much attention? Did you train her (ugly word I know but just understand the context) to treat you badly? Did you ever stand up to her when she disrespected you? Did you try but she turned it around and made you feel guilty for standing up for yourself? Did you lead or did you follow her? Did you have opinions of your own or did you always do what she asked you to do even if it was against your wishes or better judgement? Were you abusive? Were you controlling? Were you manipulative? (ie. I did this for you so you have to do this for me, ie. bought you dinner so you owe me sex). Did she raise her voice to you and say hurtful & disrespectful things and did you just stand there and take it or did you stop her and turn your back on her and told her that you wouldn't allow her to disrespect you and that she could talk to you when she was more calm & respectful? Did you put her on a pedestal and tell her that your life was nothing without her? Did you tell her that you would never find another woman like her? Did you value her more than you valued yourself? Did you love her more than you loved yourself? Did you try to buy her love? Were you a wuss and regularly exhibit wussy like behaviors? Were you jealous? Were you insecure? Were you quiet & weak? Did you cry in front of her? Were you lazy or were you ambitious? Were you a lousy lover? Did you give her good sex? Were you too nice? Were you insecure? Were you needy/clingy? Did you have a life? Were you an individual? Did you have your own opinions, likes & dislikes or did you always allow her to choose for you? Were you boring? Did you invest in yourself? Did you value yourself? Did you maintain your appearance? (not for appearance sake alone but more importantly to show that you valued yourself and that you had high value) Did you ever allow her to invest in you? Did you ever allow her to buy you gifts or to treat you or was it the other way around? (I don't need anything but your "love") Did she have to provide for her family more than you did? Did she ever think that without her being the main breadwinner that your family would suffer? Did she take on the role of the main provider and in doing so she was responsible for your security as well as your family's? Did she become more masculine in some ways? Did you become more feminine in some ways? Were you afraid to lose her & afraid that she would leave you? Did she know this? Did you ever establish that you had "walking power"? (that if she didn't stop disrespecting you, you would leave? Hence the terms "Walk Away Husband" and "Left behind Wife", it does happen and it is their wives that pursue them and want them back)
Seriously this list could be much longer but i hope you get the point, there are many ways for the WAW to lose respect for her LBH.
These are all tests. She is testing you. She is testing you constantly. Women test men - don't question it, just accept it. It's a survival instinct that evolution isn't going to wipe out any time soon. She needs to feel secure with her man, a strong man, someone who can stand up to her will be able to stand up for her should the need ever arise. She wants to know if you respect yourself - do you? She wants to know if you're a real man because she wants to be with a real man, if she is having affairs, she is seeking a real man to replace you, she wants a stronger more masculine mate if you aren't it. That's where the sex & love comes in. When you noticed that your sex lives were slowing down: duration, frequency, level of passion and that she was no longer interested in you sexually and you wondered why didn't any of you want to find out why? Asking her wasn't going to get you those answers. When you heard her say "I'm not telling you why, you should already know?" It wasn't about whatever argument you were having at the time, that was just a symptom of the problem, not the problem itself, she was looking for her man and apparently you slowly changing into a less masculine version of yourself and she needed a more masculine version of you. Since she didn't get it, what happened slowly but surely? She started becoming more assertive, more aggressive, less feminine, not as nice, more angry, more argumentative, distant, removed, quiet, less involved, less engaging, starting doing things without you, started going out more, started investing in her appearance (ie. tanning, gym, weight loss, hair, makeup, clothing), started hanging out with new friends, started being happy again but it wasn't because of you: her internal programming was getting her ready to start seeking out another more masculine partner because you weren't it anymore.
I said it before, this all sounds very clinical & maybe even boring (actually I find it extremely fascinating) but there are real reasons why you are where you are and knowing this now, you can do things to turn your situations around. There is a science to this - don't discount this, embrace it, learn it, become a better man, it's not impossible, in fact it's expected.
