I need help in the biggest way. I feel so helpless

[timehealsall]

Thank you so much. I need to read what you all write. it motivates me.

I have continued ignoring him and he's being extremely nice to me. even at the gym, he's been going in the morning like I usually do and he'll come over and want to work out with me and I'll see him looking for me. I just need to keep it up.

He confronted me about our situation the other night to ask me for his passport that I had taken from him in an argument. Apparently, he will need to go back overseas (where OW lives) for business (i knew this was coming from a few things he had been working on and had discussed with me prior). I'm literally SICK to my stomach. I know he won't go there without contacting her and I'm beginning to believe that this is why he implemented the whole "friend" thing so that if he did end up doing something, I couldn't accuse him of leading me on. It took all of me to get up and give it to him but i realized that I cannot keep him hostage like that. And I need to show him that I will survive.

I am starting to believe, and please shed some light if you have any thoughts on this, or if perhaps I'm losing it, that this whole "friend" thing was centered around his having to go back there (giving him a pass to continue having contact with the OW). like that by being "friends" he can go and be with her and I can't say that he was leading me on b/c we're "friends" and he made clear about how he feels about me.

I remained strong throughout our convo and then he tells me to just relax and let things happen. what does that mean? it's a different tune from his wanting to get divorced. (not that I'm unhappy about it, but rather that I feel like he's cake eating?) he said that he needs time to clear his head (which I agree).

Sorry if I'm rambling. As always, my thoughts are all over..

and ready2change, I want to be happy so BAD! Leona Lewis' song Happy is my new inspirational song.. I find myself not being AS sad as I was before. I just need to control what I allow myself to think about. I quickly try to change stations in my mind from thoughts of the OW, D and memories of what we once were to rather thoughts of my kids and other happy thoughts.