Well, it has been 3 days since I posted, and I need some advice again.
As I said before, my wife filed her papers on November 13th. She told me on November 15th.
On Tuesday night, she came over to watch the kids while I went to a meeting. I expected papers. When she didn't give them to me, I asked for them. She said she didn't have them ready yet. Basically she said she had to print a form that I would sign proving that she served me the papers and she didn't have access to a printer. Printing them at work is unethical (not sure how she printed the divorce papers she filed).
We had an hour long discussion in the garage, basically about the process. She was considering an attorney, but we ended up agreeing to continue the process with a mediator.
I asked her if we had a court date and she said that initially they set the date for 30 days out, December 13th; but because of the holidays, she wanted to delay that longer. So it is January 13th. It is a temporary hearing to discuss how we handle the process over the 4 month waiting period.
She then said this "I don't want to rush this, I want to take my time to make sure everything is done right".
So, I don't have papers; she wants to divorce slowly and she seemed softer when I talked to her. We did have R talk, which is a no-no, but she initiated it. It was emotional, but not angery, at least not heated anger. We left and said good night to each other.
So; how many people out there, who get a divorce, want the process to go slowly?
We have a mutal friend who was talking to me. He runs a hair salon, and barbers, bartenders and counselors are all in the same line of work; someone sits on a chair and talks to them for an hour or more at a time. He told me that he doesn't understand this divorce. He said that in every situation he has seen, one of the people is happy with the decision, if not immediatly, at least soon after the decision is made. He said we both seemed sad and depressed.
He talked to my W two days before and said he was surprised that I hadn't moved on, because he would have in my shoes. He said something about "hooking-up" and he said he knew I hadn't done that and she asked how he knew. he said he just knew and that I wouldn't do that...he's right.
So, I am away now until next Thursday night. I am GALing, but I am so confused. The realtor is taking pictures of the house today, the sign is in the yard. My wife seems sad, I am sad, the divorce is moving forward.
This same friend told me his theory was that my wife had started this process to shake me up; and now she has taken it far enough that she doesn't know how to stop it without appearing weak.
Give me some feedback. I am starting to be resolved about this divorce, but I still don't want it. I am out of hope, but I can continue to have patience. Can anyone tell me their opinion on this?
A slow divorce seems a lot like being murdered with a toothpick.
Anyone have any insight on this? After I posted the last entry, I got an email from her asking about us changing the current plan where we rotate in and out of the house and the kids stay in the same place to a situation where I move out into our old house and the kids start moving between the two houses. Things seem to be getting worse.
So; how many people out there, who get a divorce, want the process to go slowly?
Conflicted, unsure people?
Originally Posted By: HelpMe
Give me some feedback. I am starting to be resolved about this divorce, but I still don't want it. I am out of hope, but I can continue to have patience. Can anyone tell me their opinion on this?
Wish I could, HelpMe. My sitch is a little bit similar (sign in yard, house being shown). But STBXW has cut off ALL contact except at mediator's office (and when she wants something). I don't want D, but I also certainly don't want the person she's become in the last year, either. I've lost interest in whoever the heck she is. I don't want D because we never really worked on our problems at all (despite 13 visits with sham MC). Sometimes she looks like she can't wait to have this over with (most of the time), sometimes I think I see a face that's saying "Somebody STOP this!" Both are assumptions, so probably both are wrong.
Death by toothpick indeed. (A good line, actually)
Sorry I wasn't much help.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
My wife got very upset again yesterday, she was crying on the phone. She was upset that "I am doing the things now I should have done years ago". "Why didn't you do those when you could have saved our marriage?".
I told her that I wish I had, but I am now and it is not too late to stop this. She said it was too late and she wanted a divorce.
She told me I needed to move out of the house (we have two houses, but the parents rotate, the kids stay at the primary house), so this is my last week in our new home. I will be moving into our old house after thanksgiving.
I still have not seen divorce papers.
I am giving up. I worry that as soon as I do this though, she will change her mind; and then I will be moving forward, and have to decide if I want to return.
She delayed our initial hearing for the divorce from Dec 13th to Jan 13th because she didn't want to do it over the holidays. Then she uses that against me when I say I want to keep doing what we are doing with the houses until after the 1st of the year. She told me that then she would get an attorney, have the hearing moved up and get this resolved quicker...so I relented. We discuss the logistics of this on Wednesday night.
I think I need to come to grips with the fact that my marriage is over. That I am essentially a single person now and focus on making a good second home for my kids and start rebuilding my life and moving forward.
My wife is right, I should have done counseling years ago. It is unfortunate that she is making a good man for some other woman who is going to benefit from her pain. However, at this point, that is what it is.
She told me I needed to move out of the house (we have two houses, but the parents rotate, the kids stay at the primary house), so this is my last week in our new home. I will be moving into our old house after thanksgiving.
So why exactly are you moving out? You haven't done anything wrong from what I can tell. She's the one who wants to leave you, so she can pack her things and go.
Originally Posted By: HelpMe!
I am giving up. I worry that as soon as I do this though, she will change her mind; and then I will be moving forward, and have to decide if I want to return.
This is actually a good thing. When you are no longer making decisions based on holding on to a crumbling M, but what is best for you, is when change can actually happen.
And what is wrong with deciding to return? She's the one who chose to leave you. That is something that you have to decide to forgive.
Originally Posted By: HelpMe!
She told me that then she would get an attorney, have the hearing moved up and get this resolved quicker...so I relented. We discuss the logistics of this on Wednesday night.
A better answer would have been, "That is a very good idea. I will contact my attorney (or consult with one if I have not done so yet) and we can continue this discussion through them."
Originally Posted By: HelpMe!
I think I need to come to grips with the fact that my marriage is over. That I am essentially a single person now and focus on making a good second home for my kids and start rebuilding my life and moving forward.
Not a bad plan at all.
Originally Posted By: HelpMe!
My wife is right, I should have done counseling years ago. It is unfortunate that she is making a good man for some other woman who is going to benefit from her pain. However, at this point, that is what it is.
And there is nothing that says that your wife cannot be that "some other woman", at some point. But the future is the future; focus on today, and yourself, and your kids.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
Actually, reading back through my thread, you can see that I did hurt my W. I viewed things online that were disrespectful to our marriage; so i have no problem moving out. On top of that, the new house is HUGE, and I don't want that responsibility. The old house is fine for myself and the kids 1/2 time. Once the new home sells, she will have to find a place for herself and I will continue to try and sell my house. When I sell the old house, I will buy something new that doesn't have 10 years of memories attached to it.
Today I finally get the papers. My wife and I are meeting tonight to go over division of assets and then she will give me the papers to sign.
I don't want this to get drawn out tonight. I want it to be quick and plan to be very "professional" in my demeanor. I want to enjoy my last night away from the kids by getting this over with and then having a few drinks with some friends.
Tomorrow I go back to our new home for the last time. I will be there until next Wed, then I will leave for good.
This Friday I am moving furniture to our old house, which is now my new house (that gets confusing). I'm actually getting more and more okay with this. I sure wish we could fix this, and we really could if we both wanted to, but she doesn't. She keeps telling me I need to move on but there are other times when she gets very emotional, cries and says things that make me wonder.
Last Sunday I got an angry email from her after church. I called her, because I had really had enough. She accused me of "going home with a differnt woman every night" which is completly untrue! She is mad at me for GALing. She was sobbing when she said "why didn't you do the things you are doing now years ago who I wanted you to, when I wanted to save our marriage?" I told her I wished I had, but I am now. She was refering to counseling, etc...
I don't know. I know she sees my changes; but she has made her decision and I really think she feels like there is no way to turn back even if she wanted to.
Her email and emotional call on Sunday were prompted by the real estate agent coming to take pictures of our new home so it could be sold to someone else. She said it like that too "they are taking pictures of our house so it can be someone elses home", sobbing as she said it. I told her that it doesn't have to be like that, nothing has been done that can't be undone (listing the house, filing, etc...) she got upset and said "NO, I don't want to be married anymore!"
She hasn't started counseling yet. I hope she does this week.
Thanksgiving will be okay. I am on my own with no plans to go anywhere. But I will be at home and can start packing my things, watch football and make a pizza. Then I get the kids later in the day and can hang out with them in the evening.
While I am more comfortable being away from my wife now, and look forward to having "my own place". I am very sad my marriage is ending. I don't see much hope anymore and that is too bad. We had it all and it is going to be gone.
All I know is that my wife is making a mistake. I don't blame her, I have put myself in her shoes and I can't say I wouldn't be doing the same thing; but I do know that she has made me a better man for somone else. Her hardwork is going to pay off, but not for her. That is too bad.
I meet with my IC today, which I am looking forward to.
I feel like I am really detatching. I don't want to talk to my W unless I have to. I moved into our old house this weekend, this is my last few days in our new "dream home", but I am not overly upset about it. I made the old house into a pretty nice bachelor pad. I'm looking forward to living there, even though it will be a little rough for a while getting settled.
I've had a couple of people ask me out and I have declined so far; I'm begining to think about it though. My wife doesn't show any signs of changing her mind and with my emotional state more stable and my new future taking shape, I wonder if I should go out with someone. I certainly don't want a relationship, but I wouldn't mind some time with someone that doesn't involve a bar. I miss having a nice dinner and adult conversation.
I still want my marriage to work, but I question my resolve more and more. My W has some issues she needs to work on. She really needs to spend time, like I have, finding herself. I am not by any means "fixed" yet, but I am well on my way and she hasn't even started.
We divided our assets without much of a problem at all. I moved big furniture this weekend and am taking a few loads of "Stuff" over each day. When I leave on Wednesday, it will be for good. This will be her house, the other one will be mine.
I'm okay with that.
For those of you have gone through this process, what do you do when you feel yourself detatching? How do you continue to detatch but not lose the desire to fix the marriage. I'm struggling with that. I'd still give anything to have my life back, but given that it is clearly not an option, what is a guy to do?
Anyway, I am feeling better, more confident and less sad each day. Somehow that doesn't make me feel better though. I want to love my wife and I want her to love me. But, I can not keep holding on. It is not healthy for me.
So, next Wed, I will leave and officially start my life without her. I have lots of plans and I have most things figured out. I'm not concerned; but it still is my second choice to making this work.
Someone give me some advice. I think dating is a no-no, but part of me wonders if it would make things more real for her and help her reconsider.
Let me tell you, I have learned so much over the last 8 months.
If you go back and read some of my previous posts, you will see I was contimplating dating. I held off for some time before deciding that this was what I needed to do.
So, for those of you starting this horrible process, let me tell you what the last 8 months has been like.
In August my wife tells me she doesn't love me anymore and wants a divorce.
I spend 3 months trying to change her mind.
She files on November 13th.
I moved into my old house on November 22nd. The next week, I get asked out on a date by a very pretty lady, and for the first time in almost 16 years, I agree to a date with someone other than my wife.
I have a few other dates, but I end up seeing the woman from the first date a bit more.
While I remain somewhat reserved to starting a new relationship anytime soon, I do enjoy spending time with this new woman. she is also divorced.
My wife is having a tough time with my dating. However, even though I still get very sad about our failed marriage, I think we are being fairly amicable.
Next Tuesday we stand in front of a judge and say that our marriage is broken and beyond repair. he will pound his gavel and we will both leave single people.
We have focused on our kids through this process and they are doing well.
I realize that I am a stronger person now than I was before. I will never allow myself to go through this process again. I know I will remarry someday, but I have learned an incredible amount through this process.
I lost 55 pounds, stopped smoking and am feeling good (though I've found 20 of those missing pounds again!) I see this new woman often, usually for bike rides or walks.
I focus on my kids when they are with me, which is 50% of the time.
I have organized my budget (which is probably the toughest thing to do after divorce). Finally, I have grown closer to my family and my church.
I just want all of you who are new to this process to know that it sucks completly, I know that. However, you will make it, you will be okay. This board was instumental in my making it through those first painful months.
Thank you to everyone who helped me. I certainly wish everyone in this situation sucess in it not ending as mine has, but I do know that many of you will ultimatly see divorce. My friends, you will make it, you will be okay and you will be happy again.
I struggle with regret today (what ifs), but I know that I am moving forward, getting stronger and will be a better person for having gone through this. Don't get angry with your spouse, show them respect. I promise you, it is very tough, but you won't regret it.
