Stepping out and Stepping UP!

[ClingingToHope]

Cag, I don't know if you want hope right now or not. Hope can be a hard thing to keep around. If you do, I just read "I Do Again," which talks about a seemingly perfect marriage where the wife felt there was no emotional connection, found it with another man and then convinced herself she never loved her H. She blindsided him, pushed through the divorce.

They were divorced for seven years, but eventually got back together. It's a great story, but be warned there's a lot of things that just don't happen to most of us. But it did give me hope -- which made for a tough day yesterday when my head keeps telling me there really isn't any hope.

[cagzmom]

clinging - i did read that book already - by accident!! I saw it at the library and it gave me insight into my x.. AND how much work SHE did (the lady who bailed)..how she was done so long before the affair.. and more important how he built his life and moved on with God.. and did his own thing... and she did the same.. and they did it on their own. GREAT book.....

hope - i know how dangerous hope can be.

i just can't believe i still think about him............. and know he doesnt think about me .. and Trusting you are right.. i need to stop.. it is ridiculous.

i am however very very very thankful for my few friends (which I am ok with_) that i have made on this site...... the connections are deep-- and it is so nice to "talk" with people who really really get it.

[ClingingToHope]

Two things about that book that I'm thinking about today.

Eventually the wife just said to the Lord -- or herself depending on whether you believe you can talk to God -- is that if her ex-husband NEVER opened up to reconciling she was OK with that. She would wait.

Wow. I don't know if I could close that door. Of course, she had several relationships during and after the marriage so she'd played the field and decided it was no fun.

I've never wanted anyone but W. Well not entirely. I've looked. I had a coworker that sat next to me early in our marriage who I actually dreamed about on occasion -- 20s lust. But I never acted on it and she's long gone. And sad to say, when things were toughest I looked at online images and W found out -- but I can honestly say that I still physically pine for my ex.

The second thing is that -- maybe it's in the book or I saw it here on the forums -- is that God is always working. Now that I have my own apartment, my W does have lots of alone time and I have some ideas what's going on in her head but no guarantees that they will lead her back to me.

I see clues that I can build scenarios in my head for both ways -- both back together or for us apart permanently.

[cagzmom]

clinging.. if you can read it again.. and look at the journey the wife had to go through... it was long and it was alone. SHE had to get to the point where SHE even wanted to come back... and he -the husband - had truly LET HER GO and moved on with his life. RECONCILING for the one who had been betrayed was

[cagzmom]

opps.

i was saying.. reconciling wasn't even anything he thought about wiht her. AND look at how GOD changed her... and THEN GOD changed him.

When I read it it showed me that. That I NEED to move on and go and grow. If my x listens to any voice of God at all He will have to face everything that he has done with GOD and GOD alone.... and then the building of his relationship with GOD .... and then and only then will GOD be able to restore.

I understand pining for your x.. i do too. My stitch started 3 years ago this Christmas Eve.. he left teh following march.... I have not been with a man physically since then -- I havent dated anyone seriously since then.... NOT because of me - but I truly think because of GOD ... It is not time yet.

I hurt because my x just threw me away..but thats his mo. he has always been that way with people, just never thought he'd be that way to me...

[cagzmom]

after my talk with c yesterday - he left me to ponder something. it was one thing that he said...... and something that i want to heal.

we were talking about love and such and well that is one part of me that i ahve been unwilling to let go. that is one part of me that i always liked -- when i love i give you all of me.. and what he said surprised me.. he called it "Addictive Love"... and he said that it is very normal with co-dependent people..

he talked about loving healthy.. holding a part of yourself.. a part of your heart... it is something I can not even fathom... yet i have watched people. people whom i respect and whos marrriages have worked and you know what... i think that is how they do it... but again foreign to me and HARD for me because i ahve changed so very very much.

I can say I like me now -
I can tell you what I like to eat, colors I like - lots of stuff.

BUT this?? this was part of me that i knew and liked -- and the only way taht I have known love - and both times it has ended in a way with me being crushed.... so obviously well it didn't work otu to well. BUT what i am saying is I am SURE that this is something that GOD wants to heal in me... I just don't know how He will do it.

So YET ANOTHER NEW journey begins.. deeper levels of knowing me - and understanding just what God WANTS FOR my life. hmmm

[TRUSTING]

Thinking of you Cagz...

[cagzmom]

thanks T.

I can tell I have and am moving forward. It is hard though as I still am drawn to him. He tried pulling me in again on Saturday-- I react so differently then before. I used to try and rescue.. now I say to him.. "GET HELP".

Saturday he was in his normal "woe is me" mode...I shared with him what s20 had said about missing his "old dad"... He told me his mom is coming for christmas (i already knew) and I said I know GREAT. he said "i told her not to come.." and that is how we got into his woe is me...

All i said was get help - get counseling -... He finaly said something truthful. HE SAID IT "I DONT WANT TO FACE IT Cagzmom.." I said you are right - facing it is hard but healing is so worth it.

And that is where we are...
Before he said "i can't be fixed"
Now he finally admitted - the work of looking inside....too much

So -- instead of healing himself, working his life - working to become whole - he will loose more and more years with his son .. He has a "disney dad" fake relationship with his daughter... She too knows he is depressed..but it is different tehn son. MY SON really really lost the most...

[cagzmom]

as with others on here - I dream and hope - but try to build my life.

holidays are hard.
missing my old friend is hard.
missing the physical touch of another is hard.

just hard - and then sad -
but i can't stay there---- you just have to move on...... and that too is hard.

[TRUSTING]

Cagz,

A lot of us appear to be in the same place this month.
The upcoming holidays cause this. I wonder if there is even a twitch in the Ml'ers heart regarding past memories, maybe we will never know.

The bottom line is this, it will take a long time for us to heal. You cannot rush this, we were betrayed beyond belief. If you rush this process, we will not heal correctly. I believe there are things you can do to help yourself, like get a life, etc..... but we still have to go through the process.