For those with a WAS...How do you cope?

[bluerain]

Hi Courtney, I just wanted to stop by and say hello! How are you doing?

[courts0818]

Hi bluerain! Thanks for checking in! I'm doing okay. How are you?

I'm going to update soon. It's been a crazy week. Just trying to hang in there - got word today that H will most likely blow off Thanksgiving again this year. Ugh! But...I'm trying to keep my head up.

I'll post soon with new thoughts and hopefully a new attitude and game plan.

[courts0818]

Well okay, deep breath before I begin.

Again today I found myself in a texting war with H. It started off innocently with talks about a Christmas tree and shopping. And before I knew it, we were firing a bunch of crap back and forth. I told him he doesn't act like a husband or a father and all he does is runs away. That pushed him to ask if I wanted him to file. I think I FINALLY get it. If I don't learn to control my emotions and shut my big mouth, I'm going to push him to file even if it's not what he really wants.

I can't believe myself. I took some time off from posting to clear my head. Then, I read through all 21 pages of posts. Do you know what I found? I am totally inconsistent! I absolutley suck at DB!

The way I've been dealing with things is not healthy, succesful or productive. I feel like I'm totally stuck in a vicious cycle. And the cycle is fueled by my emotions and reactions.

I actually thought that I had been doing pretty good with my DB efforts, but the truth is, I haven't. I've been inconsistent, angry and emotional. Even though my H has walked away, I still have expectations for him. And bc he never meets those expectations, I wind up angry, sad and emotional - and then I do/say something that I later regret.

Last year I had a bad Thanksgiving. H had been out of our house for about 5 weeks and I was devastated. He spent the holiday weekend in Indianapolis. I was very angry so I tore throw our house and took down every picture of he and I. I also printed online divorce papers. And his mom told his side of the family (at their Thanksgiving dinner) that we were separated. It was a mess!

And today I realized something. If I don't make signifcant changes - 1 of 2 things is going to happen. Either next Thanksgiving I'm going to be in the exact same miserable place or I'm going to be divorced. I don't want either of those so not changing is not an option.

I feel overwhelmed. I feel really defeated bc we are not making any R progress. But then again, part of that is my fault bc I've sucked at DB. There have been times that I've done good, but nothing has been consistent. I do well for a short time and then I'm right back to falling on my face.

For the past 16 months I have let my emotions control my actions and all it has done is hurt me and hurt my chances of saving my marriage.

It's been too long and I'm brokenhearted. I want off this roller coaster.

So, tomorrow, Thanksgiving, is a new day for me and my efforts. Out with the old ways, in with the new. It is going to take something like a miracle to keep me on task, but I'm going to do this. I'm not going to allow this to eat away at me, consuming my thoughts and my life. It's my life and I need to take control of myself.

I've had too many pity parties for myself. I've had too many thoughts of our wedding day and the moment we looked each other in the eye and said, "I do." And that brings me to tears and starts the emotional rage.

If I love my H (and I do) and if I love and respect myself (and I do), then I have to commit to doing new, healthier, smarter things. I know the sadness and pain is still going to be there, but it's time that I focus on the wonderful things in my life - which is why I decided that Thanksgiving is a great new start for me.

Reading through my previous posts I said over and over that I wasn't giving in (contacting H, R talk and that sort of thing) and guess what? I gave in. But I can't this time. If I want to get my H back, I have to make changes right now and I have to stick to them. There are no other options.

Aain I need nothing short of a miralce to finally detach and stick with it, but with God's help I can do this. And hopefully with the continued support and advice that I get here.

I have to pick myself up and be the happy, loving, thankful, kind, considerate, empathetic, funny, lovable woman and mommy that I am.

I have the power to find happiness and blessings in every situation. And when I'm feeling sad and overwhelmed I need to remember what I read from my daily devotional:

"The Bible urges us to give thanks ...all the time...in every situation...because this practice is the will of God.

Let me be clear, there are terrible things that happen to us that may not be the will of God, but us praising God and giving thanks in spite of them certainly is the will of God."

Tomorrow and this weekend might be really tuff for me bc H is not going to be around. But, I have a choice to make. I can sit and stew and be miserable or I can choose to make the most of it, be thankful for what I have, enjoy a wonderful meal with my family, enjoy my sweet DD...I choose to be thankful.

And I'm thankful that going through such a difficult time has and will continue to bring me closer to God.

Wish me luck, It's a new day and new start in just 30 minutes. : )

Hope everyone has a very blessed Thanksgiving.

[Gardener]

Courts.
"Well," Gardener man says to hisself, "I'll look at one more post before I turn in."

Yours was at the top of the list and it made my day.

The effort, introspection, candor, commitment, determination, and love in your post was inspiring.

You'll do it, too, I'm sure.

Happy Thanksgiving.

[bluerain]

Hi Courtney, I think that at a certain point, we have a little epiphany, and thats when we finally get it! Thats where we have to get before we are able to dig in our heels and do the hard work.

I think that you are absolutely right... your consistency has been a little uh, inconsistent! But thats ok because today is a new day! It seems like he responds when you do detach. I think that you can help yourself a lot by reminding yourself of what works. Cheeseless tunnels!

Do you know the 48 hour rule? If you want to write an email, or letter, wait 48 hours, and if you still feel like sending it do it. I recommend just coming on here and putting it on here. Vent on here and talk to us when you feel like talking to him.

So, happy Thanksgiving Courntey, I hope that you have a great day! Eat some yams!

[Super Girl]

The effort, introspection, candor, commitment, determination, and love in your post was inspiring.

I agree. I felt empowered just reading it.

Have a great Thanksgiving!

[courts0818]

Day 1 of new me/new DB efforts = success. In fact, I'll grade myself. I earned an A.

First, 10 things I'm thankful for:
1. God
2. My family
3. The joy of being a mommy
4. My health
5. The wonderful dinner we had today at my parent's house
6. My friends
7. My church
8. My home
9. New beginnings/fresh starts
10. That today I'm separated from H and not divorced from him

I really am doing my best to focus on the good things and I know today it's easy bc it is Thanksgving. But, I'm going to try to keep that as my main focus each day.

Today I kept busy, gave thanks and really didn't feel sad - which is so amazing. I think I finally let go of the expectation that H should join us so I didn't end up crushed when he didn't.

Today I finished an art project with DD, watched the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, made cupcakes and decorated them as turkeys with DD, gave her a bath, went to my parent's, came home and cleaned things up. I didn't take the time to be sad. I do much better when I keep busy.

Didn't hear from H until 5:30ish when he texted to ask me if I was going shopping tomorrow. I waited 3 hours to text him back. Now old Courtney would have either ignored him or immediately fired a text to him saying something like, "Um...why do you care? Once again you blew us off. That's really nice - um...it's Thanksgiving and you didn't spend it with your family. You make me sick." Wow...see how horrible that is! Smarter Courtney simply texted back, "yes." And a few additonal texts were exchanged, but nothing bad.

And I thought about it. I could have ignored him, but I think that would have shown I was angry and bitter. Instead, I prefer to be short, direct and honest in my responses.

My sister is divorced and today there was drama between her, her kids and her ex. It broke my heart and it was another reminder of why it's just not an option for me to continue doing the things I've been doing. I'm changing for me, my DD, my H and for any chance of keeping us together.

I hope you all had a great time today and ate just as much as me. : )

[LuLu]

Aww, Court! What a wonderful post. I am so proud of you

[Lll54]

That is an excellent post, I agree with LuLu. Good for you! Good Luck.

[courts0818]

Thank you for the kind words and support.

I'm journaling for Day 2 (Friday) & Day 3 (Saturday)
Day 2 was great. 3 things I was thankful for:
1. My sister and my mom helped me with DD
2. The awesome sales I found at Toys R Us
3. Margarita, chips and salsa with my friend/co-worker

On Friday morning, H sent a text regarding my plans for the evening and if I needed help with DD. I waited 2 hours to text him back - just saying I didn't know what time I was going out and that if he wasn't availabe to watch DD my mom was going to watch her. So my response to his text was short, honest and strictly business. After I sent it, I didn't hear back from him and that was fine bc I did NOT expect that I would - so I didn't find myself disappointed. - that is key, letting go of the expectations.

Day 3 has been more challenging. I've noticed myself being a little short on patience and just a little IDK, maybe grumpy. This is not really bc of H. It's bc I've had a sore throat and a cold since Tuesday and I have not been able to sleep for 4 days. : ( Feeling a little icky and very tired, but not down in the dumps. Gonna make the most of the rest of my night with DD. We did get out the Christmas decorations and she's loving that. : )

3 things I'm thankful for today:
1. The sun was shining and we had blue skies
2. DD keeps telling me, "Mommy I like you." So sweet!
3. The wonderful feeling of memories, happiness and family when looking through the Chirstmas decorations - warms my heart.

Haven't heard from H today, but I'm not focsuing on that. I think maybe I'll do something special with DD - like make hot chocolate and read a bunch of her Christmas books as we sit in front of the fireplace, near the Christmas tree. That sounds great, so I'm off to do that.

Keeping my head up and marching on. : )