I have just stepped back for a couple of days to put as much energy as possible into my job search (and a couple of friends have been cheering me up). I feel pleased to have taken these practical steps, even though it will take a while to see the pay off. I have organised three networking meetings with companies I am interested in working for.
H went back to work for a couple of weeks, I spent the first week dark not talking to him during his nightly phone call at all. At the end of the first week, he called me during the day for the first in time in about 6 months, just cos he has feeling down and to see how I was doing. He wanted to tell me he didn't want to hurt me any more. I told him what I had found out about my entitlements he would need to give me for separation (more than he realised), he recieved it well and we will continue to try to talk it through.
I asked him where he was planning on staying next break and he said straight home from work to you for most of the break, if that is ok. I did not talk to him when he talked to the toddlers the next night, he sent me a series of light texts about tv doco toddlers were watching, first such texts to me in about 6 months also. He did this last time he bombed me, swung back my way for a while, seems to let the pressure out or something. Its weird how the cycles keep getting more extreme in both directions, thank goodness I expect this so do not overreact.
I reviewed the OW info with a third party who pointed out it is not conclusive, so I remain alert in that area right now.
I am holding up pretty well as I am channeling all my negative energy into moving my life forward.
Thanks to those who have been providing support to me, it has really helped.
That is what is important right now, keeping your balance.
My H said the same thing to me about wanting to stop hurting me during bomb 2? I’m not sure how to even count them anymore or what is a bomb and what isn’t. LOL
Anyway, I think the contact, goes back to they don’t want us but they don’t want anyone else to want us either. That and they have this warped sense that “cushioning” the blows make them easier to handle.
Keep working on yourself.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Glad you are doing as well as you are. It's great you are lining things up career-wise. Having goals and things to look forward to and concentrate on is helpful.
I have been continuing on my job research, have an industry networking event to go to tomorrow which may help me to make some contacts. I am still thinking I may need to move from our family home in this regional location to the bigger city we moved from in order to be on the salary I will need to in a couple of years time to support myself, but that will not happen for several months until we sell the larger assets H has been in charge of selling.
H is happy as larry at the moment, as predicted by Snodderly. He seems happy to agree to what my separation entitlements are (at this stage!), is coming home in a few days to spend nearly all of his break with us, and is keen to go to an early xmas function with a group of my friends he has avoided completly for two years (kids party, toddlers really keen to go) and "play the happy family" in his words. "No need to leave early, we will just have a good time". Seems in no particular rush to chase the sale of those assets, has not rung for a couple of weeks to check. If we were not also happily in the middle of separation talks, it would be just like old times. A bit difficult for me to get my head around, and harder to detach, but I am just trying to make the most of each day.
I think the course is set and movement seems to come in big splurts in my sitch, so although nothing new to report at the moment I think separation details will be formalised a few months into the new year and my new chapter will then begin. Working on making that a good one!
Just caught up... I've had pneumonia, and I'm finally starting to feel human again1
Good luck w/H coming home again. Odd that he's happy that you're agreeing to everything, but he's not affecting any movement. Probably also typical!!! At least it takes the pressure off if his mood is good, and you can really be... you! I know I feel like I'm just "playing me" when my H is not pleasant.
What kind of job are you looking for? That's exciting to have a fresh start (career-wise). It will be good to be out having adult conversation for awhile each day!!
Be well!!
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Don’t be surprised though if he suddenly seems really melancholy. The better you seem with it, the less happy he will become. It just seems to be the pattern of things.
Just do your best to try not to get sucked into the thought that this seems like normal. Because then you could start to lose your focus and the next “bomb” will seem unexpected and be horrible all over again. That is where the detatchment helps so much.
You can see the “normal”, accept how it feels but not be too let down when the tides shift again.
Have a good day.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
SR, Wow! Just catching up with you after, maybe, three weeks and can`t believe things have moved on in your neck of the woods as much as they have.
I know how much you`ve put into DBing but, I believe, the outcome is ALWAYS positive for the DBer whether or not the marriage is saved.
This is mirror time. You`ve looked at you and made all the changes possible for a better you. You`ve learnt to live a fun life with or without your spouse too. You get to keep the new you, you get the keep the fun even if H walks away.
The other thing to remember is that its not over yet. Some H`s need to smell the one bed apartment before they realise hey, the single life is not all its cracked up to be. They can`t imagine it. They just need to get out there and live it to know what they`ve lost.
Keep cool. Keep having your fun. Keep your changes for you. But you may not even want to keep your new self for your H and that`s YOUR decision. Knowing how smart you are, reading how motivated you are I KNOW you will have a fun life ahead with or without this man.
Unfortunately, he may not fare so well.
You say "I see a marriage that is retriveable and could be fantastic again, but someone hell bent on a road away from that, who is very very unhappy and blames me for everything wrong in his life, without understanding."
This sounds uncannily like my H. They may never wake up. Or when they do, it may be too late. Meanwhile you`ll be well on into the next chapter of your life.
Keep digging in to you SR. Keep out of his moods, don`t watch for his reactions.YOU are wonderful, smart, fantastic, committed,sociable, good fun, a great Mum and wife.
You say "I see a marriage that is retriveable and could be fantastic again, but someone hell bent on a road away from that, who is very very unhappy and blames me for everything wrong in his life, without understanding."
That describes my feelings as well. Keep your eye on the road and focus on you. We can't change our spouses. We can't help them see things more 'clearly' until they are ready. It is the most frustrating situation!
M44 H46 T21 Married 16y D14 D12 Bomb 12/08(EA), (PA/Separation)1/09 to 5/09 Home/MC 5/09 to 12/09 Leaves 12/09 Files for Divorce Divorce final 6/30/10.
