It's too hard sometimes

[Gardener]

I've come a long way. Believe it or not. I need to put up a post-it on my laptop screen: "Is this going to help me?I believe you."

How to balance the anger and pain and love and desire? This is hard stuff. The craziness is difficult, but somehow justifies my feelings. I don't want to feel nothing, that would be worse. The "craziness" is difficult. I've been there. But craziness and nothingness are extremes, polar opposites. MANY healthy emotions and responses lie between these polar opposites. AND detachment doesn't equal nothingness or feeling nothing. That would mean the last 9 years meant nothing. She can tell herself that if it makes her feel better, but it's not true. So, I'll take my crazy over the emptiness.Or maybe, to modify my original suggestion, give yourself - force yourself - to have one day of "emptiness" or "nothingness" as you put it. Kind of like the old prayer or adage (I forget) where each line begins with the words "Just for this day, I will..." And eventually I'll get this figured out and on the right track. It's a process. I'm sure you will. But the 24/7, first-waking-thought-of-the-day-till-last-waking-thought-before-sleep approach is maddening (literally). I've been there, too, for months

I take some comfort that I'm not the coward I once was. I'm still here and still trying.Take more than "comfort" from it. I'm sure it was a hard-earned victory. Keep trying, but turn it off occasionally and just be good to yourself, treat yourself to something.