Is this the end of my marriage?

[P17]

I'm sorry to hear about your mum. You really are going through so much right now.

Yeah, they say disasters come in threes ... waiting for number three. At least I know I will handle it. If I can handle this sh*t then I can handle ANYTHING. I was going to say BRING IT ON but that's just tempting fate

As for NC, you can set a date and go for it then. Remember how much better you felt after 10 days of NC before. Also remember what that one poster said--you don't even have to give her a letter at first! (although I think the letter is required for a proper dark Plan B, right?) But you could start with NC and then give her the letter at some point. You could also just leave her alone with your daughter on Monday like you did the other day (while you built a bookshelf, etc.)

I did that today. In fact I was upstairs putting D's clothes away listening to 'The Blues Brothers Soundtrack' (that is an excellent album) and wiggling my a$$ away when she appeared behind me with a laugh saying she had been shouting on me from downstairs and to give me a few things. I spent the next hour and a bit away from them putting clothes away, cleaning etc. before coming downstairs at 6pm to watch a double bill of Scrubs.

W sat on the couch and the only space was next to her. So I sat there and she didn't move. I actually moved a little to get further away from her. She did the same when she was in the kitchen - I had to get into the cupboard above her head and she again just stood there - no movement. Only a few weeks ago she would have moved out of the way completely. She just looked so relaxed.

I'm not reading anything into it. Just observing the change and how much more relaxed she must therefore feel. I think the GOOD = BAD works here. She was obviously in a great mood so that is bad for me and the end of the A.

My actual date for NC is a week tomorrow (26 November). Still not sure about the letter and whether to use it or whether just to ignore any future contact. I still feel very angry about her non-interest in my mum.

[jumpyninja]

When it rains it pours doesn't it. You should do whatever brings you the most peace, and peace of mind. What you have indicated is that any other method has not brought you any closer to being happy or having some sort of resolution, and that's what you really want. To me, NC is the only option you have. Believe me, you cannot reason with someone while in the middle of an A, they are not rational people at that point. The reason you are soliciting so many opinions is the same reason why half of us are on this sight, support.
NC is an enormous risk, and you are taking a leap of faith that things may get better. The only evidence to support it is how much better you felt when you were without her for a few days. I had a small meltdown from getting daily texts from my W about our family home, I called my mother for reassurance. I hold out hope that I can work things out with my W, but there are some other prospects I may consider as well, even if it's just an innocent lunch or the occasional phone call.
In my case, I did not send a NC letter, I just did it. The most recent time she came over and tried to start a conversation, I cordially shut it down and expressed my desire for her to head back home. She got the message and does to this day. I do not know how she feels, and I wonder about it a lot, but people are similar. If I miss her, and I do, I'm sure she does as well.
Now, I will say this, it takes a great amount of strength to do this. I had my little meltdown two weeks ago, and last week I had an anger attack that led me to burn a wedding picture in our backyard (I'm moving and if she hadn't messed up, we'd be doing this together jointly). It culminated with me driving past OM's house. That is where friends and family come in. I have a number of people who I can call if things get difficult. I also do things such as write out my feelings on paper or write a letter to her and never send it. Just remember that this situation is something you tell to understanding level headed friends. Tell only those people who are mature and rational enough to accept your decision, whether it be to end or reconcile the marriage. Otherwise, if you're fortunate enough to reconcile, outsiders will become an obstacle. I have that problem with my evil ass mother in law right now. Sorry.
One last thing, I'm in the same situation in terms of proximity, which is one of the reasons why I'm moving. Do whatever you have to do to avoid looking in the direction of that house. I generally avert my eyes so I don't know whether she's home, and that has worked well. But realize that such situations make things 30x harder.
Hang in there.

[P17]

To me, NC is the only option you have.

As you know that's the way I feel to. I do wish there was another option though.

Believe me, you cannot reason with someone while in the middle of an A, they are not rational people at that point.

I often see people saying their spouse was 'replaced by an alien' - that is exactly what has happened to W. I have never EVER seen somebody as cold, uncaring and as happy when their spouse tells them their MIL is dying. It still shocks me.

NC is an enormous risk, and you are taking a leap of faith that things may get better. The only evidence to support it is how much better you felt when you were without her for a few days.

That's it exactly. I don't know whether it will work, whether it will destroy me, whether she will come back, whether it will push her further away or whether I will actually be able to move on with it. But the evidence that I have, over that 10 day period, is all I have to go on.

If we look at it from the point of view of W coming back then all I can say is what I have done up until now hasn't worked. She is also about as far away from me she can get. So what the h*ll have I actually got to lose by my sanity!

I had a small meltdown from getting daily texts from my W about our family home, I called my mother for reassurance.

I read your thread. I think you did well. You got the anger out. You didn't hurt anybody. Your burnt a picture and it gave you a release.

In my case, I did not send a NC letter, I just did it. The most recent time she came over and tried to start a conversation, I cordially shut it down and expressed my desire for her to head back home. She got the message and does to this day.

That is what I am doing from today. Ignoring her calls and texts. I will worry about the NC letter later. I have blocked her calls on my phone and I'm looking at getting software to forward on the texts to my IM.

I do not know how she feels, and I wonder about it a lot, but people are similar. If I miss her, and I do, I'm sure she does as well.

Seeing her last night, I don't think she will miss me at all!

Tell only those people who are mature and rational enough to accept your decision, whether it be to end or reconcile the marriage. Otherwise, if you're fortunate enough to reconcile, outsiders will become an obstacle. I have that problem with my evil ass mother in law right now. Sorry.

I have the same problem. I believe her mother is behind a lot of this as she never really liked me anyway. She also wanted her daughter to go back to where she is in April when we had a problem and also now.

Do whatever you have to do to avoid looking in the direction of that house. I generally avert my eyes so I don't know whether she's home, and that has worked well. But realize that such situations make things 30x harder.
Hang in there.

I have contemplated moving but I moved her to be with my D so why should I! It is obviously easier for her to move when Daddy bought her the house and I have to unfortunately pay my own way in life.

I have been string for weeks now and not driven down her street or looked down it to see their cars when I drive along the top of it. I am now going to not even drive along there now. I did have a lapse earlier this week but I'm not going to worry about that. I'm only human.

I will get there. I feel a little better already knowing that I've made the decision. Next big test is Monday when she is due to be here. D and I are actually going to be out when she arrives.

[P17]

I hand delivered the No Contact letter tonight to my W. It was worrying me about Monday so I thought best to stop her coming around at all.

Feel like sh*t right not but I have no doubt I will feel better later and in the days to come.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Hang in there, buddy. It WILL get better. I promise.

Puppy

[newmama]

Well done, P17. This may help speed things along...regardless it's a step in the right direction for your emotional well being!! (I know I will feel better if/when I do NC)Go ahead and let yourself be sad for a little bit but then brush yourself off and try to get excited about GAL.

[P17]

Thanks guys. I actually feel a little better already. Have a knot in my stomach at the moment in case she suddenly appears at the door.

Prior to OM moving in I had told W to leave me and D alone twice (once quite forcefully) but she came straight back with to me with the predictable 'text if that is what you really want' line. So I am kind of expecting her to do something the same but in person this time.

Having said that, since OM has moved in things have changed and she no longer needs me at all. However, we will see in the next weeks and months how she copes without eating cake any more.

I still see how things are going to go for her and OM. I know my wife pretty well and I know, deep down, that the only chance for their breakup is OM leaving as she will not kick him out for fear of being on her own. If he does leave she will cling to him desperately but if he continues to stay away she will have a breakdown. I can see it clear as day. That is my prediction.

My only wish is that I have moved on by that point and will be strong enough not to pick up the pieces of her life that she destroyed.

I am glad I did it. I'm glad I did it tonight. And I'm proud of myself for taking the bull by the horns and doing it even though the fear was crippling me. Feel The Fear and Do It Anyway ...

Finally I feel bad as I will not be giving her updates on my mother (still her MIL) but I'm not convinced she cares anyway.

Onwards and upwards.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Keep us posted, P.

[chatterbug]

Hey P17. Good for you. Now embrace the silence.

[jumpyninja]

P17
Believe me, the silence is wonderful, it really, really is. That whole "out of sight, out of mind" thing is so true. I think of her a lot less and feel like I'm enjoying life a lot better.
As for meltdowns, believe me, those things do happen. Mine happened almost a month ago. This was after she told me that she wanted a divorce and likely was going to start dating the OM, despite him being married. I enacted NC from that day forward It was a compilation of the end of the A, work stress, and the realization that I was moving. She came over three times that night. The first time I asked her to leave and she did. The second time same thing. The third time she refused to leave. There was arguing, there was pleading, there was an attempt at logic by my part. Even offered to get her a hotel room if she would leave. She asked to follow me to my new location, offered to quit her job and take a new job, any job to be with me. There was even a moment when she got so mad at me for trying to kick her out that she slapped me. Fortunately I did not respond cause I'd probably seriously harm her. Plus I felt sorry for her cause it just seemed like she was having a complete meltdown. However, there was still some lack of taking responsibility on her part, and therefore I didn't take it seriously. She ended up staying for about 2 hours, then leaving. Then she called just before sunrise asking to come back again. I let her return and sleep on the couch again. I woke up a few hours later to see a blanket and pillow on the floor next to my bed.
Like I said, do not fear what might happen with the NC. A person having an A behaves similarly to a drug addict. You can't reason with a drug addict. All of your options have failed, and will fail because she's still in the brainwashed/addict mode. So it stands to reason that if making contact with her doesn't work, and she doesn't make you feel good, then you need to find other ways to do so. That means you take care of you and the rest will just happen.
Now you have to be strong and fight the urges to contact her. I felt one earlier today and am doing so right now. That's where your friends come through.
You will be fine. After a few days, things will start getting easier.