It's too hard sometimes

[TooLateForMe]

How do I know it's not my codependence that wants my W back? I wake up most mornings w/ a profound love for her. But all this soul searching I've been doing has me wondering if I just need someone I think I can trust to take care of me again. I was dependent on her in almost every way.

And it's going to take a long time to be truly independent. When I'm finally a functioning individual, I have a feeling it will be too late for reconciliation. I have this hope in my heart, but my brain is telling me it isn't going to work out.

[TooLateForMe]

(Pseudo-bump)

I'm finding new-W not so attractive as I once did. So, I'm wondering if it's her I was so in love w/ or the doormat version of her she used to be. Or it could be that in distancing herself from me, the old her, she's actively choosing to be a new version of herself that I wouldn't want anymore.

I know, confusing. Was it all just a lie I told myself? That I loved her because she took care of me and told me how amazing I was? Am I incapable of loving someone who isn't kissing my butt?

That's all a little disconcerting.

[Gardener]

(Pseudo-bump)

I'm finding new-W not so attractive as I once did. So, I'm wondering if it's her I was so in love w/ or the doormat version of her she used to be. Or it could be that in distancing herself from me, the old her, she's actively choosing to be a new version of herself that I wouldn't want anymore.

I know, confusing. Was it all just a lie I told myself? That I loved her because she took care of me and told me how amazing I was? Am I incapable of loving someone who isn't kissing my butt?

That's all a little disconcerting.

Cut yourself some slack tonight, friend. The answers will come. Just not when you're asking yourself them (and definitely not when you're asking yourself all of them all at the same time!)

Read The Four Agreements.

[TooLateForMe]

Should I be working on building more contact? Right now it's virtually none, and has been for a about a week. I did send her a link to a funny site and she replied saying it helped when she was having a bad night (at work). I've been avoiding talking to her because it's too hard for me right now. I'll probably keep it little-to-no-contact now, but I'm wondering when is a good time to start building up to more...

[TooLateForMe]

Agh, I don't learn! Had an email spat over a phone number of a mutual friend. W said she felt "funny" giving me the number, which irked me to no end. It's just a number, right? I didn't want to tell her why, as I want my life to be my own right now. I just felt like she was making me jump through hoops because she had something I wanted. It felt offensive.

I guess I overreacted. But it would have been so simple just to give me the number and let the friend decide if she wanted to talk to me or not.

It was about career advice, nothing to do w/ my W.

I guess if everything is such a struggle, I must be doing things wrong.

[Gardener]

I've been avoiding talking to her because it's too hard for me right now. I'll probably keep it little-to-no-contact now, but I'm wondering when is a good time to start building up to more...

Maybe when "it's not too hard for (you)"

[TooLateForMe]

I've been avoiding talking to her because it's too hard for me right now. I'll probably keep it little-to-no-contact now, but I'm wondering when is a good time to start building up to more...

Maybe when "it's not too hard for (you)"

Maybe when I learn to bite my tongue and pretend I'm the nice guy I should be. Maybe when I'm not reacting. IC doesn't start until Dec. 7 and things are better but I'm still being so stupid and emotional.

[Gardener]

Agh, I don't learn! Had an email spat over a phone number of a mutual friend. W said she felt "funny" giving me the number, which irked me to no end. It's just a number, right? I didn't want to tell her why, as I want my life to be my own right now. I just felt like she was making me jump through hoops because she had something I wanted. It felt offensive.

I guess I overreacted. But it would have been so simple just to give me the number and let the friend decide if she wanted to talk to me or not.

It was about career advice, nothing to do w/ my W.

I guess if everything is such a struggle, I must be doing things wrong.

Mark, if we ever run out of 2x4s on this board can we borrow some of your seemingly endless self-flagellating supply?

Good Lord, man, if anyone ever needed a respite from constantly questioning, second-guessing, and beating himself up, it's you.

How's it been working out for you?
And where is Mark Evolving?

I'm serious. Take a day or two, go away, stay active, exhaust yourself and distract yourself and if any of your sitch sneaks into your thoughts, whip out one of those 2x4s of yours and whack it.

Really. Take a break. Get away.

[TooLateForMe]

I've come a long way. Believe it or not. I need to put up a post-it on my laptop screen: "Is this going to help me?"

How to balance the anger and pain and love and desire? This is hard stuff. The craziness is difficult, but somehow justifies my feelings. I don't want to feel nothing, that would be worse. That would mean the last 9 years meant nothing. She can tell herself that if it makes her feel better, but it's not true. So, I'll take my crazy over the emptiness. And eventually I'll get this figured out and on the right track. It's a process.

I take some comfort that I'm not the coward I once was. I'm still here and still trying.

[Gardener]

I've come a long way. Believe it or not. I need to put up a post-it on my laptop screen: "Is this going to help me?I believe you."

How to balance the anger and pain and love and desire? This is hard stuff. The craziness is difficult, but somehow justifies my feelings. I don't want to feel nothing, that would be worse. The "craziness" is difficult. I've been there. But craziness and nothingness are extremes, polar opposites. MANY healthy emotions and responses lie between these polar opposites. AND detachment doesn't equal nothingness or feeling nothing. That would mean the last 9 years meant nothing. She can tell herself that if it makes her feel better, but it's not true. So, I'll take my crazy over the emptiness.Or maybe, to modify my original suggestion, give yourself - force yourself - to have one day of "emptiness" or "nothingness" as you put it. Kind of like the old prayer or adage (I forget) where each line begins with the words "Just for this day, I will..." And eventually I'll get this figured out and on the right track. It's a process. I'm sure you will. But the 24/7, first-waking-thought-of-the-day-till-last-waking-thought-before-sleep approach is maddening (literally). I've been there, too, for months

I take some comfort that I'm not the coward I once was. I'm still here and still trying.Take more than "comfort" from it. I'm sure it was a hard-earned victory. Keep trying, but turn it off occasionally and just be good to yourself, treat yourself to something.