'' I had an awakening this morning"

[dburt]

Total script with the friend stuff, I told my wife not to expect me to be a friend of the person that is potentially harming my children by wanting a divorce. She could not believe it.

When the opportunity arises, you have to give the waw the a brief look at the future with the amount of loss that will occur.

Burt

[acsnow]

I did not say that I wanted to be her friend. She said that to me. And yes I am going to sleep my own bed.

[acsnow]

My W says she wants to be my best friend and be apart of my life regardless of what happens. Thats what I am going to do. Just see her as my friend.

Yes, I did say that didn't I? I am just so messed up and confused and can't think straight. It has been a bad week for me. I know I have to pull myself together. I was doing real good up untill this past Sunday when I asked my wife out to breakfast(big mistake)(a date). But my sister convinced me into to it.(another big mistake)(getting advice from family) This weekend will be big deal for me.

[acsnow]

Well, It is over between wife and me. I did everything I was not suppose to do. I went over to house and told her that I am moving back in this weekend, she said no your not. I said yes I am. I said your the one who is not happy and wants to be alone so you should move out. Then she said you wont be able to afford this place on your own. Then she threatened filing papers tomorrow, and that house will go up for sale. Then I said the past 15 yrs you have used me and used me as your stepping stone to get where your are now. She said that she felt used also.
She said I am not going to disrupt D17 life her final year of school. I then said that you do what you have to do. If you want to file papers tomorrow then go for it. Then I walked out.
She then called me to say that she does want us to be civil through this. She did say that she has no feelings for me and that it is not fare to you. She said this has never been about you. It has always been about me.
Ofcourse then I plead and beg her to reconsider that our marrige is worth something. After things really calmed down I asked her if I was a good husband to her and father to D17. I asked her if she respected me? She said yes. And then I asked her if she had ever cheated on me. She said no. Then she said she was "different person and that I know who my real identity is". I told her that I will always love her and cherish our life that we shared and that I will miss her. I told that I have never regretted once getting involved with her. I said that I wish you all the best and that I hope someday you can meet someone to make you happy.
I dissapointed a few people on this board and I am sorry. I did everything I was not suppose to do.
I am not sure if I even want the house now. There will be just to many memories. I will start a new life and create new memories.
I guess the best thing to come out of this is that I dont have to be in "limbo" anymore and I know what direction I am going now and it wont be with her. It is a big load of my chest.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

ACS,

It's not a question of disappointing us. It's trying to make yourself stronger so you don't disappoint YOURSELF.

I pray that someday you will see that. For now, I'm just really sorry.

Puppy

[Deep]

Hi, hope you don't mind me popping in with some random thoughts.

I think you made some mistakes there. It's Ok, it happens and you're human. Get over it. It's past - think about what to do now.

Just about everything your W said is script. Unfortunately, you followed her script. It'll be a good lesson to remember for the future and a pitfall you'll avoid better. And trust me, you'll have the opportunity to re-visit similar situations again. It ain't over by some distance.

You moved back in - your choice, your right.

Can you afford it? Your choice, your decision, you will deal with it.

She wants to file? Her choice, her decision. Affects you (materially), but not your choice.

Disrupt D17 in her final year? Oops, not your choice, a consequence of choices W could make.

W does not want to be civil? Her choice. And you can stand your ground about your preference to be civil.

For much of 2nd para in your post - Stop being a martyr.

3 words to describe your W: Fog. Script. Entitlement.

This "identity crisis" thingy often involves OP.

Surely you did not go in and do this thinking it'll be a cakewalk? W's comfort zone is shattered, she reacts and you run and withdraw.

I re-state: Stop buying into her script. What do you want? Stand that ground.

Edit: oh and as Puppy says, you don't owe anyone here anything, there's no question of disappointment. Don't let yourself down.

[acsnow]

Well, Going to make appt. with lawyer today and go in to see what my rights are. Not going to file any papers, I will let her do that.
I really can't afford place on my own. Spent alot of time going over numbers. Just would not work. I am ok with selling house. I will just stay with brothers house for now.
I have to look at this as a bump in road, and realize she could do a complete 180 herself and she would realize what she is missing. I just have to pick myself up, brush myself off and keep going forward and really just focus on me and D17. And not chase and persue W anymore. I am putting way to much pressure on her. I have alot in life to be happy about. I still have my family that support and love me, where she will only have herself. She has no family except her brother who will be angry with her for awhile for doing what she is doing and possibly her own daughter.

[Steve McQueen]

I have to look at this as a bump in road, and realize she could do a complete 180 herself and she would realize what she is missing.

going to be critically honest with you. this wasnt a bump in the road it was a brick wall that you ran into as fast as you could. you were suppose to leap and bound over the building superman.

I did everything I was not suppose to do.

Key word here is 'DID' past tense form of do and does. Now let us refocus: Who cares if she will not reconsider your marriage. Who cares if she threathens to 'put the house up for sale.' Woof. Woof. are you a mailman, afraid of barking dogs? Wait No,

"LOOK, UP IN THE SKY, ITS A BIRD, ITS A PLANE . . . IT'S, ITS SUPERMAN! Yes, it's Superman - strange visitor from another planet who came to Earth with powers and abilities far beyond those of mortal men. Superman - who can change the course of mighty rivers, bend steel with his bare hands, and who, disguised as ASCNOW can live in his own freaking home and enjoy the things he has worked so freaking hard for and spend the last year before his little girl suddenly grows up and moves away to college with her enjoying that last few months of HER childhood.

You dont believe for a minute that you are "going to disrupt D17 life her final year of school" by moving back home? You got to be kidding me. Who is going to do the disrupting your 'overly entitled' wife or you? woof woof. stop being afraid of barking dogs. if you have ever looked closely most of have a chain around their neck and arent all that scary once you realize that.

As i see it you have 2 choices here with less than 8 hours to go in your work week. Grab your pillow and your vinyls and the case of raemen noodles you probably been living on and walk right in YOUR front door and move back home. And if she thorws a $hit fit you say, "I had an epiphany. I am going to enjoy MY bed and MY couch and MY color TV. And I am going to sit on the porch with a shot gun if D17'd date doesnt get her home by 11. And if you want to divorce and want to sell the house so be it. I AM NOT GOING DOWN THAT EASY."

or ....

[robx]

without any legal separation agreement or divorce papers being filed, why did you move out?

Before I get to hard on you, I did the same thing when my sitch first started, she kicked me out and I took it, thought I deserved it, she had all the power and I had none and I did everything she told me to do.

Several months later, I had an epiphany.
I moved back home, I didn't ask for permission, I did it.
It was scary, I expected a huge confrontation and I got it but one thing that changed was this, that was when I started generating respect for myself again and that's when she started to respect me again. I stood up to her, told her, do whatever you want to do but I'm moving back, deal with it.

As for the threat of filing divorce, it's a threat, and call her on it. Seriously what is the worst thing that can happen? That she will file for divorce? Isn't she going to do that anyway? So that can't be stopping you. What's stopping you is that you are afraid of your wife, she is in control and has been for quite some time, you need to take some control back and that means taking control of your life - she currently controls you.

When I moved back in I also took the master bedroom back, you can't believe how much crazy $hit that caused but I'm worth it and as angry as she was with him, I stood up to her and stood up for myself and more respect was generated. This isn't an overnight process, expect her to bring the batshit crazy for a while but that's ok.

At one point in your life you're going to have to reconcile with yourself the notion of who leads your life: you or your wife. Choose you and then do what's right. Move back in. You're not going to disrupt your daughter's life, if that was really an issue with your wife, she wouldn't have separated from you and kicked you out of the home - she didn't care about disrupting your kid's life at that point with that change so why does it make a difference now. Plus your kid is what, 17, nearly adult, she'll be fine.

Go back home, it's the greatest lesson I learned from all this and it's the first step I took to getting me where I am now. It took alot of courage & guts to stand up to my wife and all the craziness that happened afterwards but it was worth it to get myself in the position I'm in right now.

As for selling the home, your names are both on the title & mortgage I'm assuming, tell her that you have to agree to sell the home, she can't just sell it without you and on top of that, the marital assets can & will only be split up when the divorce is finalized, until then it's just words (LOUD WORDS) coming out of her mouth and you can tune her out, in fact, that's something else I want you to do, stop giving her your attention.

This is where things turn around, this is where the potential for saving this marriage can be realized and even more important this is where reclaiming your life, your dignity and your self-respect will begin - no more waiting, you've waited too long already.

No excuses, just do it.
The longer you think about it, the more you will doubt it, the more fear will creep into your mind and tell you don't do it, if you hold out, she'll eventually love you and take you back and that won't happen if you don't respect yourself enough to stand up to her.

Excuses don't explain, explanations don't excuse.

Just move back in.

If she lays a finger on you, tell her you'll call the police.
Bring a friend when you go back in just so that he can witness you going back into your house and he can witness if she attempts to do something abusive. After that first day, you're on your own.

It's ok though, you can handle it, you're a man, and it is your home as well.

I want to hear that tomorrow you moved back in, don't disappoint me. I had a friend who gave me a kick in the ass and made me see the kind of man I had degenerated into and he picked me up and pointed me in the right direction: self-respect.

I'm not there to help you to the front door, you're going to need to do this on your own but you will have to do just the same.

[robx]

Well, Going to make appt. with lawyer today and go in to see what my rights are. Not going to file any papers, I will let her do that.
I really can't afford place on my own. Spent alot of time going over numbers. Just would not work. I am ok with selling house. I will just stay with brothers house for now.
I have to look at this as a bump in road, and realize she could do a complete 180 herself and she would realize what she is missing. I just have to pick myself up, brush myself off and keep going forward and really just focus on me and D17. And not chase and persue W anymore. I am putting way to much pressure on her. I have alot in life to be happy about. I still have my family that support and love me, where she will only have herself. She has no family except her brother who will be angry with her for awhile for doing what she is doing and possibly her own daughter.

No, don't do that.
Let her do all the work.
You don't have to see a lawyer about your rights.
You have rights, you don't need them explained to you.
Stop over thinking this, just move back in.

You're making excuses because you're scared and you want someone to identify with your position and say it's ok.
A lawyer will tell you to stay where you are living outside the home, and file for separation and then divorce and then have you pay them money, a retainer and get the process going.
They aren't your marriage counsellor, they have bills and need to pay them just like you do and they will serve their best interests, not yours.

No excuse, just go home.