Hello, it's been a while since I've been here. I had surgery and haven't been doing do well. I did want to respond to your reply as I appreciate you taking the time to answer me. I find I am also learning a lot by hearing other's experiences.

I have learned that I am not alone. I think it is especially difficult for the HD women because so much of what we hear is how it's the men who always want it. I do think that that is changing though and more people are willing to talk about it openly.

I have to say that, at some point, I did feel as if my husband didn't love me. I think deep down I knew that he did, but I wasn't feeling it on the surface. Maybe I said this before, but I think I purposely didn't allow myself to associate with other men because I was afraid of developing feelings for them. I realize now that it is my fault for pushing my male friends away. Realistically, it would have been harder for me to make new male friends as I was a stay at home mom for many years.

It looks like I had the same talk with my DH as you had with your DW. I told him I didn't want to leave that I loved him, but that we needed to work together to fix our problems, or I would. That I didn't want to live this way the rest of my life. I don't know that I would have followed through with it though. Being disabled makes things a bit more complicated. I believe my husband, unlike your wife, believed I would stay with him no matter what. I think that's why our talk really made him think and start to make some changes.

I see what you are saying about the "covert contract". I agree with you too. I think I was so wrapped up in him, then our children started coming within two years of our marriage, that I did let my male friends go. I only had a few, and I wasn't very close to them, so it was easy to do. It is something I regret now.

I think I pushed things so far down inside...the anger, the hurt, etc that I finally erupted. We'd have these talks where he told me he didn't know what was wrong (we now know it was low T), that he loved me and that there was no one else. Yet,15 or more years went by before he got help. Then, my over thinking kicked in and I would wonder was it me? What could I do differently?

You made a good point about not being angry and mean. Thank God I got on the AD. I did not like the way I was. We can now talk without me yelling. My dh does still get a bit defensive, but I find that if I preface our talk with something along the lines of "I know I'm probably making a big deal of this, but...." It puts the focus on me and my feelings not him. He, then, is less defensive and is more willing to talk.

Thanks on the "heads up" about the "old pros". I can be a bit sensitive, but I have to say that I am one to admit when I've done something wrong. I'm willing to make changes, although I know they aren't always easy.

Thanks again for your help. I'll try and respond to your other post in a bit.