WAW turning around? What now?

[LiveToLearn]

My wife and I have been married for 12 years. She had struggled with depression in the past and this April decided that she wanted a new life. We have a 4 year old daughter and we were in the middle of an adoption for a 1yo daughter and life was good in my eyes. We spent lots of time together and talked a lot.

She left to try a relationship with an old BF and was planning on moving to another state. They had some conversations on line and she believed that he was her soul mate.

I mostly have given her space. I believe deep down she loves me but the responsibilities of life and the normal routine combined with a new romance and the choice for her seemed clear.

Her relationship with the other man did not work out, and she moved directly into another relationship, that one was not working out either so she moved into another dating situation.

Many of the things she has done are very MLC. I love her and believe I know her soul and that she is a wonderful person, the hard part is nobody, not even her, knows where this is going to go.

She called me about a month ago and asked if she could wear her wedding rings and try again. I said that I would be willing to do that. She wanted to go to counseling and try to make it work. She told me how messed up her life was and how she had no idea what reality is. She loved me and missed me and that I am still her best friend.

Two days went by and she said “I will just cheat on you again.” I know this is because the OM came back into the picture for a little bit. So I know she is not really over him. She knows she should be, but is not. I again gave her space and time and was just polite.

The other night I told her that I was not going to keep doing favors for her if she is unwilling to do any for me. I said friendship is a two way boat. She said she was sorry and that has started a new “connection” phase.

So the last week she has started texting more and has asked me and the girls out to dinner. She cried when she said goodbye to my daughter that I am adopting. She has been open and honest about trying to get her life straight and has gone out of her way to bring me stuff when I was sick.

She is back on her medication and is seeing a counselor. Our divorce has had all the paper work filled out and she has signed the papers. I am going to the last parenting class tomorrow and then the judge will make everything final.

I think that she misses romance and the butterfly feelings of a new love. She tells me all the time now she feels like an 18yo in a 31yo body. She is gorgeous and has no problem getting attention from guys. She thrives on the attention and is now trying to decide what her life should look like. Every time we talk or see each other I know she is hoping to feel the butterfly’s so she can come back, but when they are not there she just gets confused.

I know how to be romantic; I know I could get those feelings in her again. But would that really work? Would it be a short term thing? The confidence and happiness needs to come from her. So that is where I am confused. I know she loves me she just is not sure who she is. When she left she just wanted a completely new life of bars, parties and boys.

What do I do at this point? Do I start making an effort to ask her out? Do I start with a romance faze?

Thanks!

[Lostforwords]

LTL,

I am nowhere near your spot, but I think you let her lead for awhile. The line about cheating again makes me think there is still confusion in her head.

Let her chase you.

Remember the butterflies are not a true emotion...just a cocktail of hormones and chemicals that our body produces for short periods of time. For you to strive and make her feel that continuously for the rest of her life is something made up only for movies. Hopefully she realizes that security and unconditional love are actually more important than the butterflies.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

That 'first love' feeling is the brain being stormed by chemicals...similar to chocolate. The reason it doesn't last...despite testimonials to the contrary is that it would burn our brains out.

Hollywood has done marriage a disservice in that, it portrays this as a lasting feeling and if you don't have it something is wrong.

Live, what do you do at this point?

What do you want to do? I must say that you seem to have your head screwed on straight and tight to make your marriage work out. What you say about her seems to hit alot of the MLC highlights. You...wow, simply put for someone who seems new to this, you have mastered (at least in what you present) many things that others struggle for a long time trying to nail down.

My question for you, what do you have to lose by trying either course of action?

[LiveToLearn]

So last night I asked her out, and she was open to it. She wants to take it slow and says she still does not know who she is. She still wants attention from other guys and is not in the mood for responsibilty....

So she wants a date... but not commitment. She called last night and just talked about how she is trying to find herself and why she has made the choices she has made. Very MLC sounding.

She is not commited to our marriage yet, but deep down she knows that it is a good thing. Just wants time to come to that decision on her own.

My plan for the current moment is to return nice gesture with nice gesture and see if we can get a game of love going. Not sure how long that will take but I will keep myself busy with life while she figures things out. I do feel like to some I may just be being used.

So I will probably work some tighter boundries into my life and not put up with the "using" that she is doing.

Thanks

[LiveToLearn]

Making another shift another 180 and see what happens. I am going to try to go distant. I have been there for her pretty much the whole time being supportive. This time I am going to see what happens if I really start backing off and fast. So fast that it send her in the land of "where did he go?"

I guess now I am starting to detach so I can really mess around with the 180's and see what works.

Live and learn i guess. I will write as soon as I am able to pull that off to some degree. I will also write with what I did and how I did it. Let everyone know the results.

Here is hoping:)

--- as I am writing this I just get a text from her telling me she is sick, and she needed to go home early... This is were I normaly text back and say "is there anything I can do?"

Any suggestions?

[BeginningAgain]

Well what happen to the date? Did that fall through? Why the change in tactics now?

As for the text - if you usually text back and ask if there is anything you can do - then you could just send her a message that says - "Sorry - hope you feel better soon" and leave it at that.

S4H

[LiveToLearn]

We had a good time and had lots to talk about. The one thing that became very clear was the lack of "attraction". We could have a great conversation, we could talk about everything and anything. The only thing that was really missing was that attraction. She is looking for that and since she is not feeling that with me currently and comparing it to the affair the "magic" feelings are just not there.

I take good care of myself, I am active in sports have a very fit body type and keep up with dress and styles. Other woman seem to be very interested but to my wife it is sort of old.

I believe that I am going to try to bring some of that magic back by letting her do some of the chasing. That is the reason for the change in strategy. I guess I see our course that we are on currently taking us to a lifelong friendship. Nothing wrong with that but it is not what my goal is. So I am going to try to keep the stuff that is working and try to also let that butterfly/magic feeling take hold a little.

Seems silly that she can still say I am her best friend and a great dad but she just wants attention from others. I guess that can happen during MLC. You just want more, more for yourself. She just wants to experience and try more.

[LolaL]

You know, I have to say, a lot of attention these days is put onto how we look, and what the attraction is. From a woman's perspective, being fit and having a good body type is a perk, but not a necessity. Do you have any idea what it was that attracted her to you in the first place, other than your looks? Looks are good, but they do eventually fade, and there has to be something left than just a pretty face. So maybe by focusing on the other attributes you offer might be better.

Keep in mind that the first thing we do look at is physical appearance, but eventually there has to be something else.

[LiveToLearn]

I think the thing that attracted her to me first was my care free attitude. I was a bit of a show off and just did my own thing.

The guy she had the affair with reminds me of myself at 19. Party, drink, hang with friends, no job.

I still am the same old me but I am not 19 anymore. I have a family and that is not something she wants now. Seems like our family is now my family.

She has told me multiple times she just does not want commitment. Who knows.

[LiveToLearn]

So the last couple days have been less then stellar. We did have an argument over nothing really. If I read between the lines we were arguing about "why do you not love me anymore?" Both of us trying to tell the other, I would love you if...

We talked the next day and I took her to lunch and she treated. We had a good time. The downside... She gave me the signed divorce papers.

The up side she said we can take some time and work on revising the parenting plan if we want. Between the lines she was saying "Do not sign this yet."

This is the first time I really believe that she does not want the divorce. I do not believe what she says. Her actions are friendly and giving at this point. We spent about 2 hours together yesterday with lunch and my daughters swim lessons.

I believe she wants to come back but needs me to build the "face saving" path so she can justify it to her family after all the stupid lies and distortions she has told them.

Is this possible? Is this the mindset of someone who wants to turn around but cannot because of pride?

Thanks