BBJ- if you happen to read this--I know you believe in God and marriage-- how did you wrap your head around the idea of actually moving forward?
Good question. It took a long, long time. Two years, in fact. A few things helped.
*This board, of course.
*A few, pivotal conversations with my Pastor in his office: He helped me to see that God does permit divorce in the cases of abandonment or infidelity. And my husband had basicallly done both. He moved out and was carrying on an affair.
He went further than a lot of Pastors would. He didn't tell me to file, he in fact said he would pray that things could ultimately be restored. But he said I had every reason to file. And he even told me that he would recommend that I not be alone with H ever again, he was worried that his warped views on women/sex could wind up being a danger to me!
3) Reading the books "Boundaries" and "Boundaries in Marriage". Also listening to the radio show "New Life Live", hosted sometimes by the authors of the books I referenced. I called the show twice: the second time these Christian men told me that my husband was most likely a sex addict. That he was using the ow for sex and still getting all of the other marital benefits from me. And they in fact said, specifically, that FILING MAY BE THE ONLY CHANCE TO SAVE MY MARRIAGE in the long run.
4) Getting shot down by my H again. After I filed Aug 31, he did another turnaround. Admitted he had still been seeing ow sporadically (she lives 2 hrs away now that we moved). Told me he would end it with her in an email and copy me in so I could trust him. Said he would book a weekend retreat in Florida, three days 1-1 with a whole team of counselors. Then he sent me the email, and in it he dumped me AND the ow. I just couldn't deal with the mind games anymore.
I know that God has a plan for me, and I need to trust him. I also know I did the very best I could at the time, even though I made mistakes along the way. I know my heart was always committed to saving my marriage. And I know that I am free to divorce and free to remarry under the laws of the Bible, not just the laws of the state. That was very important to me.
Let me know if I said too much, or if you have any more questions!
