Help Lost my Bestfriend Need Advice

[TrentC]

My husband and I just had a disagreement on the phone. He was invited to a pharmacy rep dinner tonight but told me he wasn't going to go. At 400pm I get a text and he says he is going to the dinner and that the OW is going to be there also.

How... convenient that was.

I asked him to give me a call.

BZZZT! Penalty flag on the play...

He said he was definitly going and I asked him to drive to the dinner by himself.

...or else what? What would happen if he didn't?

He told me the OW was going to ride with him and I told him I didn't feel comfortable with that even though they were "just friends". It is a 45 minute drive to the restaurant.

...and what happens if he does go with her?

He called me later and he told his "friend" what I said. He told me that will not bring us closer together and that I was controlling. I told him he was placing his "friends" feelings above his wife. He then told me he had to go.

...and what happens since he didn't respect your boundary?

He is making me feel bad for no reason. I would appreciate some advice.

Well, you didn't actually place a proper boundary -- made it about him respecting your feelings, with consequences if he chooses to cross that boundary. So in that case, yes, you were trying to control his behavior, and with no consequences there was no possbility of compliance.

If there is an OW then working on the relationship will be all-but-impossible; his head is in a fog. So that must be dealt with.

I'm not familiar with your situation, but I assume you two are still living together. If so, you can restate the boundary correctly:

"I feel that your relationship with OW is disrespectful of me and of our marriage. I do not have any intention of living in an open marriage, so if you choose to continue to see her, you can take your things and go.

If you choose to stay here with me, then you must cut off all contact with OW; and I will insist on being able to verify that you are doing so. If I find that you are contacting her while still here with me, you can leave and I will begin filing for divorce."