Gucci and Robx...U 2 got a min. to weigh in???

[ginab1966]

Hi everyone:

Thanks to everyone who gave me such a big pat on the back and have been following this thread, keeping me on my feet.I was so blind sided and I really did see a flash of this board in my mind and tried to think of what to say when he told me about the OW. I had practiced the speech a million times. I even have it written down (a much better version) that is saved on my computer. BUT..when the time came, I just blocked and couldn’t think of what to say. I stared at him for a really long time and said nothing and did this breathing thing my counselor taught me and sang this song in my head so I wouldn’t have a panic attack. I breathed and the world stayed turning and I did not collapse. Do you know how amazing that felt? Every pain and trial I weather makes me so much stronger than the moment before.

Since the 9th I have done really well some days and not so well on others. I will say that he and I have had some discussions about the M and both of our A’s. I have told him that my sincere desire is to have a marriage that includes two emotionally healthy people who model a healthy , loving relationship for our daughter. That is my goal and he affirmed that’s his goal too. I have not been able to get clear enough to have a convo that contains a laundry list of boundries, however, what I have done is state what my needs are in terms that H is capable of understanding. I need to feel respected and valued. Of course I need more than that but that's the core of all of it. I gave him instances when he has done a really good job of that and told him I need more of “that” behavior. I find that my H does much better when I tell him what he’s doing right than what he’s doing wrong. The response is sooo much better. Plus, it makes me feel better that I am not “mothering” him and scolding him for wrongdoing as is our toxic behavior pattern. We have discussed the OW and contact with her. What I have told him is that my first reaction was one of shock and self protection. That we would take it day by day and I did not want to give a hard line of “divorce” if there is contact. However, my hope is that he is sincere in his renewed commitment and respects me in all areas of his life. If he truly does this…OW will become a memory for us of a situation we got through and were stronger for.

Our retainer from the divorce mediator is being returned to us. We have made plans to attend both of our companies x-mas parties togehther. He also invited me to go see “New Moon” in the next few weekends and we have spent two Sat. in a row doing a few thing alone without DD. There is much more “we” and “us” and talks about whats going to happen in the future. I would be lying if I didn’t admit that, at times, I melt into all of this a little too readily. I know that’s not what a good DB’er should do but the fact is that I’m also human and looking into the eyes of a loving, smiling husband is really heady stuff. I admit to also doing stupid stuff like making sure he says “I love you” first before I say it and not being all that ready to be the first one to let my foot slide over to his side of the bed. I really am doing my best to just not simply “give in” to all of it, but I’m struggling. I am also trying not to overreact about things and realize that, since I’m committing to this path of staying committed to my marriage, I have to try and trust him in little ways. It’s hard to trust what he’s saying though. He has allowed me unfettered access to his computer and phone and I have let him on mine. We are starting little by little to let each other in. There are still moments like yesterday when he said he was struggling with internal demons and was just not feeling “in the marriage”. Assured me it wasn’t about OW, wasn’t that he wasn’t committed to me, DD or marriage and it was all about him and what’s in his head. He said he didn’t want to discuss it but thought us both going to the ADHD relationship coach would be something helpful because so many of his toxic behaviors, he feels, stem from his ADHD and depression issues. His words, not mine.

So, folks, I’m doing the best I can. I am making some mistakes and I’m also doing some really good stuff too. The point to all of this is that I think I am feeling hopeful. It’s a true hope..not the wishing on a star hope. It's a hope that's softly grounded in reality. I am also very mindful that this can all end in a moment…but have a certainty in my soul that I will be ok whatever comes my way. I have done EVERYTHING to save both me and my relationship. My side of the street is getting cleaner by the second. I really am becoming the person that I want to be and a person my God and my child can be proud of. To me, if the pain brought that clarity and growth into my life….bring it on. It really has transformed me into the best Gina I can be.

Peace,

Gina B