Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
YR - did you keep your wedding ring on when he was gone? I posted that as a question as a new post today. I'm feeling so very hopeless right now (as far as my marriage is concerned). My ring seems to be a reminder of all that I've lost.
Today I feel that I KNOW that it's over.....but then I get stuck reading old posts and know that everyone else that has reconciled has been there too. Some days I am convinced that he is full blown MLC----but most that post here talk about how their MLC'er has abandoned their kids too. Mine has not done that, in fact he demands equal time. He fills his time with them with activities (as much as possible), and mostly baseball/softball. The kids often comment on how much of a "one-track" mind he has.
I have been a DB failure---too stuck on how wrong this all is and have been unable to stop contacting him. My last forced conversation with him was a month ago. He looked at me with those DEAD eyes (I've read your very good description of them), and said nothing-----just as he has done every time I've attempted to talk to him. Now that I'm "ready" to give up I will admit that part of me wonders if by doing this I will get his attention and he will want to come back to me...........
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
You know I tried to take my ring off when I saw he had taken his off. I think I had it off a day or two and couldn't stand it. I had to hang on and my H noticed that I had my ring off and commented on it.
I too thought it was over, that he wasn't coming back EVER!! God knows he told me that enough! Then I would see a glimmer of hope every once in a while.
Also, each MLCer is different. Some stay in contact with the kids and others just abandon them. Who knows that they are thinking!
OMG those dead eyes!!! That is when I really thought it was over, there was no emotion in them at all. If I would even brush against him walking by he acted like he had just gotten a jolt of electricity! He didn't want to be near me at all and when he did visit us he stood up most of the time!!
You can't think that when you are ready to give up that the tides will turn. They are so different! Sometimes it scares them that they are going to lose you, like my H did and other times they think you don't care. Each sitch is different. Go with your gut on that one. It seemed my gut always helped me!
If I would even brush against him walking by he acted like he had just gotten a jolt of electricity! He didn't want to be near me at all and when he did visit us he stood up most of the time!! Y
Oh my....I don't know if it's the chill I got when I first read this, or the tears in my eyes right now----but this is exactly what I experience. The DEAD DEAD eyes, the feeling that he thinks I'm "contagious" and his inability to SIT when in our HOME. He absolutely won't sit down! If he has to be there (waiting for a child to get ready) and it becomes an uncomfortable wait----rather than sit, he goes outside.
My gut tells me that this is SO WRONG, that it can't end this way---that it's not supposed to END. My Heart though is so mutilated that I don't know how I can take it anymore. We had an exchange last month about D16 and her boyfriend----I told him how they reminded me of us----because they are at the age we were when we started dating. I told him that boyfriend thinks I don't like him because I don't always say yes when D16 asks if he can come over. I told her it wasn't that, but how they reminded me of how H and I started and how sad I was that I am now HERE. I told her that I still loved H---and told H that I told her that. It was a HUGE mistake to tell him. He e-mailed me and told me how inappropriate it was for me to talk to D about things like that----that I would be ruining their (D and H) relationship, and that conversations like that were for friends not daughters. Said it would be like him telling S11 not to have a serious relationship in high school because of all the things he would miss out on. This led to me replying with several very emotional e-mails. He finally apologized for overreacting to the conversation.
I've taken my ring off, couldn't leave it off more than a day. At one point last spring I took it off and gave it to him, but asked for it back after a day. But lately, it feels uncomfortable.
I don't think that things will turn now that I'm ready to give up, but I just can't turn the hope off no matter how hard I try to resolve to give up. Thanks for letting me vent, and for the input!
Last edited by ThisCan'tBTheEnd; 11/23/0906:52 PM.
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
See, there are alot of similarities thoughout all the posts here. That leads me to believe that your H is in MLC. IMHO, the best thing is to back off, limit contact and act as though your H isn't coming back. This way you won't go insane! LOL
My gut told me the same....what was going on was totally wrong. It really does take time for them to get through this. Its so hard on us and the kids because we don't have any understanding what they are going through and want to just smack them back into reality!
What ever you do, don't turn the hope off! Just sit back and watch everything unfold!
Yellow rose is absolutly correct. My H acted much like yours, and yes my H was great toward our children and grandchildren just very distant and cold toward me. What I kept in my head that they treat the ones they are closest to the worst as they are feeling loaded with guilt. My H actually told me he felt and still feels a lot of guilt and he is still working through his MLC .
Hold on to hope that you will have a new and better M and follow DB. It was my saving grace. My H could decide he wants out tomorrow and I know I would be ok because of DB and everyone here that helped me through H's MLC behaviour.
JAK
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
[/quote] See, there are alot of similarities thoughout all the posts here. That leads me to believe that your H is in MLC. IMHO, the best thing is to back off, limit contact and act as though your H isn't coming back. This way you won't go insane! LOL[quote]
Find your self TCBTE, find yourself, who you are, who you used to be and work on YOU!
Sorry for the hijacking of you thread Yellowrose but, couldn't help it!
JAK
Last edited by JoJo's circus; 11/23/0908:45 PM.
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
JoJo---thank you. I've been told that before, and I know I will probably take heat for saying it----but I was no one before H---the "used to be" was a teenager. It's really a sad state that I'm faced with finding myself at 44----and yes, I know it's about time! (Still looking for the manual on how to do that.)
I was 15 when we started dating. I have made my whole life about H, and our family. I have done A LOT of soul searching. I have done my best to GAL. I am finding new interests. I know what mistakes I have made----number one was making my whole life about H and family and not learning what makes me happy. I know what I need to work on (and have made some progress), but now faced with all of the responsibilities of parenting, running a household all by myself and now working full time (just since August),finding any time to do anything but survive is difficult.
I am striving to find happiness with myself. It is a daily struggle. When I first came to this site 2 years (wow! 2 years!) ago I didn't think I could survive without H. I now know that isn't true. Some days I still don't want to-----but that's now a minority of the time. AND, I am beginning to be able to live like he isn't coming back.
I appreciate the input---and they hijack (thanks YR)!
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
