have you ever sent a letter like this, said anything of the like or have acted as such previously (i.e. in the past year)?
This is going to be very embarassing, because it just makes me look like more of a weak fool who can't see the obvious right in front of me.
Yes, I have, and in each case, I got EXACTLY the response I wanted:
Way back in February, when she said she was going to see OM again, I stood up to her and asked her if it was fair for her to be going on another trip when we barely had enough money to get by, she got mad and said she was a grown woman who could do what she wanted, then I said I wanted to step up the legal process and get it done sooner. Later that day she called and very contritely apologized and said "I can't bear the thought of going through this if we're not okay." Wow. Then she came over the next evening to talk finances and she said "I don't want a divorce. I don't want to divorce you. Look how we are together." I said nothing in response because I could tell she wasn't totally meaning what she was saying. I had a plan that evening to meet friends out, and she begged me to let her stay in the house with the kids for the night. I said okay and left. I didn't get back until 3am and she was asleep on the couch. She was gone when I got up, and she went on her trip shortly afterwards. That's one.
Earlier in the summer I was feeling quite detached and strong and was acting very much like I couldn't care less about her. She started reaching out, asking me to do things, asking me if I wanted to come over for breakfast, etc. I went too far and became quite aggressive in mediation, declaring that I wanted nothing to do with her, that I wanted to arrange our custody so that I never saw her, that I was only going to pay support I felt was fair, and if she couldn't support herself on it then I'd take the kids full time, etc. She stormed out of the mediation, and acted all huffy when I saw her, but since I felt bad and I had an extra ticket to a baseball game I was taking the kids to I asked her to come along. We had a great time, and there was definitely newfound respect in the air. Afterwards she texted me and said she had fun, but that it "F*cked with her head." That was the beginning of her moves toward me. That's two.
She had planned to go see OM again in August, and even though we had taken a step toward each other, she went to see him anyway. I got very distant, and when she got back I immediately started the process of getting our legal separation moving toward finalization. I sent her very frank e-mails addressing her as STBXW, asking her to get the rest of the stuff out of the house, telling her we couldn't share custody of the dog any more, etc. She came over to the house to get her stuff and was actually saying LBS stuff, i.e. "you're being awfully practical about this", "do you remember when we christened the house?", etc. She asked if I'd be willing to get together to "talk about us". That's three.
We did get together to talk and the floodgates opened. We started opening up and talking honestly about how we felt about everything. She apologized for a lot of her actions, and owned how she failed me as a W, but she said she couldn't regret her R with OM because it allowed her to find herself again. We talked about some wounds in our R that go all the way back to our first year together. I apologized for how I hurt her. When we agreed to delay our separation and talked about spending time together, that's when I said "I won't live in some crazy open marriage" and she said she needed a little time. Now here I am.
