Can I save my marriage?

[Coach]

britt, you asked me what worked for me on another thread, as you can see it's not one thing.
cheers

Trying to recap what worked for me in getting my W to return home. Lots of variables, personalities, history and my good looks all went into the reconciliation. I had a fairly "typical" WAW scenario - age, kids leaving home, career goals, frustration, communication problems, her issues, my issues, stress, kids and routine. I have been referred to as a "poster boy" for DBing, more like the poster boy for DAMA (Dumb A** Man Anonmyous) So what worked? My M hit the rocks a year ago in August, I did all the wrong things. My W left and filed for D in July. Crushed me hard. Fought it the whole way. She moved out and I was left with my house and the dog (don't forget the dog.)
A lot of this is blurry to me on some of the time line but here is how I coped.
Read this thread daily for weeks when I first got here: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...ite_id=1#import
Lot of wisdom there.
Kept posting even when I wasn't getting responses. Used the thread to update, journal, vent and ask questions. If you want specific help, just ask.
I posted on others threads when I could. Read up on lot's of other peoples threads and find people you can relate to.
Read on WAW threads. Learned a lot from the female POV.
Learned to communicate better. (Still can't type.)
Did the DB principles: GAL, 180s, act as if, goals.
Stress relievers: playing the drums, walking/playing with the dog, exercise, venting, talking to people who gave me good advice
Found posters who gave good advice and searched out their sitchs and what they were posting now.
Read other boards- seperated, piecing, WAS
Bought some new clothes, cologne, cross necklace
Set drums up in living room.
Found old HS friends and started talking to them.
Made friends here. Helped me a lot.
Worked on myself. Worked on myself. Worked on myself.
Found myself.
Did fun things with my daughter - zoo, swimming in the river, museums
Read this and wrote it in my journal from istherehope - "the people who had success kept a PMA and saw the good in the situation."
Realised this was out of my control.
Reread the Stockdale Paradox and adopted it for the situation.
Wrote this in my journal on 08/26/08: Day of reflection and revelations. Not a new thought but it is for me. This crisis in my life is not what I want but it's what I have been dealt. It will be the defining moment of the middle of my life. So I have to play it the way a great man would. Be true to myself, love my kids, honor my marriage, continue to love my wife, take responsibiliy for me, be a warrior and honor the Creator.
I had a open mind. Lot's of great feedback here from different perspectives. Discern what will have potential for you.
Feel your emotions: I have cried more the past year than in my life. Balance the negative emotions with some humor.
Manage your energy. Diet, exercise, sleep, and PMA. Not easy but necessary.
Before you do something test it. Bounce the idea of your thread, will it help with your goal?
Watch your self-talk. Be your own friend and coach.
Love yourself - find out what that means.
Pray. First thing in the morning, slid out of bed on to my knees. During the day, before falling asleep, in church, at work and here.
I talked to people everywhere, smiled at them, said hi, made eye contact, tried to get their name. One I was hungry for human contact, two I thought maybe they were hurting as bad as I was and I could brighten their day a little.
Learned to listen better. Act like you are observing yourself from a across the room and see how your really interact.
Talk to the women here. Men and women don't communicate the same - figure it out and keep learning.
Don't be defensive.
Be patient. Be patient. Be patient. Be patient.
Know yourself.
Never give up.

[Lll54]

Thanks Coach! Much appreciated. Sometimes its nice to hear some of these things from a success story. It give me hope that there is a chance. I know there isn't one single thing you did, or one single day that did it, but I was just curious as to whether you knew of something that really stuck out in your mind. So thank you. Its nice to hear what you did when you were in my position and gives me some idea of what I should be doing. I read that link a while ago. It is very good. I'm going to print it out and put it in my self made book.

I too am in your situation of WAH scenario - age, kids leaving home, career goals, frustration, communication problems, his issues, my issues, stress, kids and routine. I am however grateful that there is no infidelity. Feels like one less hurdle to get over.

I like the last one. Never give up.

[Lll54]

Trent,

I'm going to continue to play it cool. I feel when I do, I make progress. My parents are coming to visit this weekend, so that will keep my mind of things for a few days. Also hosting a baby shower on sunday, so very excited for that!

I once thought that my actions from that horrible night I had were detrimental to my marriage, but I've learned that people make mistakes and go about things the wrong way sometimes. I'm only human. And I think that H may have realized that as well. That I can't be this perfect person for him. We all have faults. As mad as he was a week ago, he is now calling for no reason and studdering on the phone, so that goes to show you I CAN do this. I've learned not to get so down on myself when I may have worded something incorrectly to him, or answered the phone when I shouldn't have or whatever it may be. Since my MC session on Monday, I feel much better about myself. I had a bad day yesterday, but feel happy today. I went for a tan, went for a walk with a friend, shampooed my living room rug, and am now going to get ready for work this evening. I miss my husband and my boys, but it will get easier.

[TrentC]

You sound like you're in much better shape than a couple of weeks ago.

Maybe I should set these boundaries with people here more often...

[motherof3]

Brit,

You are making wonderful progress. You go girl! How does it feel to put you first once in awhile?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

You sound like you're in much better shape than a couple of weeks ago.

Maybe I should set these boundaries with people here more often...

Yeah, it's been ever since you left, Trent. We're gonna make you like those farmers, where we pay you NOT to grow your crops. j/k

Puppy

[Lll54]

It feels good. As much as I miss the boys and my H, its nice to have time to myself too. I am a stay at home mom, my life revolved around raising my boys, cleaning the house, doing laundry, running to appointments, cooking my H his meals, taking care of him and boys to the best of my ability. I started to leave the house with yoga pants and a ponytail. But now I have time to actually style my hair, and dress up when I leave. Its nice to have that time. I wouldn't trade it in the world for my family back, don't get me wrong, but I will enjoy it while I can. Its a huge 180 for me to take the time to do myself up as much as I have been lately, and get out and be around people. My H noticed it a few weeks ago, nothing has changed its only gotten better. This is one 180 I hope helps me in the long run.

Trent, I do feel better. I feel more energetic lately. My stomach still stings from time to time. Mostly on the days when I have contact with him just cause I'm so nervous. But I have to move past this, or I will never heal.

That boundary you set with me was the hardest thing I've had to deal with in the last two weeks. I look forward to your kind words and advice on a daily basis. When I wasn't getting it, it really sucked. But I pulled through. I see now where that got both of us today. To a whole better place. So thank you

[Ready2Change]

That boundary you set with me was the hardest thing I've had to deal with in the last two weeks. I look forward to your kind words and advice on a daily basis. When I wasn't getting it, it really sucked. But I pulled through. I see now where that got both of us today. To a whole better place. So thank you

Boundaries make the relationship better. We all respect TrentC since he stuck to his guns. GOod job.

[TrentC]

Just checking in to see how you are doing. Did you get your prescription filled?

What are your plans for the weekend?

[Lll54]

OH NOOOOO!!!! I need help!!!!!!!

So my parents came into town today for the weekend. I was at work and H had the kids. Sure enough I had a gut feeling they would run into each other. And they did. My dad LOVES H to death, but is not very happy with him right now. Not at all. He is very upset that H walked out on us. So when they ran into each other my dad was not rude whatsoever but was not giving H the time of day. He was very timid towards him. Kind of yes, no answers. But not normal let's just say. So I'm at work, and H calls me crying. Saying he has just been so humiliated by my father. That he has never been more embarrassed. That his family is still so nice to me, inviting me to family functions treating me like I'm still a part of the family. And my dad treated him like crap. Now he was not rude, did not say anything offensive, was just kind of quiet holding in his fury with my H. He also said, "How are we ever going to have a chance to work on this if your dad treats me like that?" There is no way I'm coming home now!! I apologized for my father's behavior and told him he is just upset because he sees H like a son, and doesn't know how to act in this situation. I am now worried that this is the last straw. It seems like something keeps happening every single week. Yes he continues to get over it, but this time he was in tears. He admitted that this has nothing to do with me, I wasn't there, I am not them, but he also stated that he is not coming home. I told him my dad just wants him home and he said too bad, cause that ain't happening. I dont know what to do. I don't know what else to say to H. I'm scared to death that these things keep happening and sooner or later H isn't going to get over them like he has in the past. HELP!!!!!!!!