Help Lost my Bestfriend Need Advice

[bluerain]

Hi Lost, Im so sorry that you have found your self here, but I can tell you that this is a good place for you to be. You will receive lots of support and advice.

I agree with puppy. Hes speaking from the OW script. Hes seeing your history together through very clouded vision.

You need to start making decisions about what you are willing to live with. Are you willing to allow him to mistreat you? Do you agree that its ok for him to be in contact with this woman? This is time for you to start focusing on yourself.

There are some things on here that are going to be counterintuitive to you. I know that you will think that if you make rules, or boundaries that will drive him farther away. All I promise you is that through this you will develop and demand respect for yourself, and you might be surprised at what that will develop.

[lostmybestfriend]

Thank you bluerain for the advice. I have been reading DR and it has helped a lot. I have to set some boundries. He says he still wants her as a "friend" however he says that they are not going out to lunch together anymore. I am not sure if I believe him.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I'm pretty sure I DON'T.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Thank you bluerain for the advice. I have been reading DR and it has helped a lot. I have to set some boundries. He says he still wants her as a "friend" . . .

Well, then here's where you start laying the boundaries.

Are YOU willing to live in a marriage where your husband would put a friendship ahead of the needs of his wife?

Let me put it another way. Let's assume for a moment that she IS "just a friend" (not that I believe that for a single moment, but play along with me here). You need to ask him, if his WIFE is telling him that it's a dealbreaker for him to continue to have non-professional contact with this woman, that he's willing to lose his marriage over it? He's willing to put a FRIENDSHIP ahead of his MARRIAGE?

God
Family
Self
Job
Friends

as far as I'm concerned. Maybe I'm hopelessly old-fashioned. But a boundary of "YOU can do what you want to do, but I'm letting you know that I cannot live in a marriage where my husband would put a friendship ahead of his wife" is a great boundary.

Puppy

[TrentC]

He says he still wants her as a "friend" however he says that they are not going out to lunch together anymore. I am not sure if I believe him.

Rule number one: cheaters lie.

In His Needs Her Needs, the author points out that it is a lot harder for men to give up the emotional attachment they form with an OW than the other way around. He's seen men walk away from an OW for years, only to get sucked back in once the OW makes contact again.

This happened in my family; my father divorced my mother after almost 30 years of marriage because his ex-wife tracked him down online and sent him a letter. They started writing back and forth, and one thing led to another... (The rest of the story: after he divorced my mother he went to live with the OW but it didn't live up to his expectations. He left her, moved back in-state, ended up reconnecting with my mother, and remarried her after less than a year.)

If he wants to stay with you, he needs to cut her out of his life. Period. No "just friends"; no "having lunch occasionally"; those are insults to your intelligence.

He will need to agree to a transparency arrangement -- you get unfettered access to his phone and email accounts, and can check either on demand. Harsh? Yes, but he cheated and lied to you, and gets to pay the price by having no privacy until you are satisfied that she is out of your lives.

[PainfulDusk]

I agree with Trent and you can bet IF I ever get to that point I will be setting the same boundaries with my H. No if ands or buts about that one. Stay strong hon.

Dusk

[Frosty Michael]

Emotional affairs are every bit as dangerous and devastating as pysical ones. The OW is a wrench in the healthy dynamic of you and your husband's relationship and as long as she's present there is an impenetrable roadblock to your mutual happiness.

My W's friendship with OM caused her to completely rewrite our past and present, put words in my mouth that I had never spoken, and do everything she could to convince herself that her feelings for OM were the right ones and her feelings for me had always been hollow and meaningless.

The chemical and emotional high of new relationships quite simply changes the person, but the real person is still there laying dormant. My W came off of her high and has rediscovered all the reasons she loves me, but even that hasn't broken the hold the OM has over her. It's actually a lot like substance abuse, and you should prepare yourself for either your H going through some form of withdrawal from the OW, or hiding the fact that he's still seeing her from you. Or perhaps like in my case just doing it right in broad daylight for all to see.

Your best weapons are patience and taking care of yourself.

[lostmybestfriend]

Thank you to everyone for your support and advice. My husband and I just had a disagreement on the phone. He was invited to a pharmacy rep dinner tonight but told me he wasn't going to go. At 400pm I get a text and he says he is going to the dinner and that the OW is going to be there also. I asked him to give me a call. He said he was definitly going and I asked him to drive to the dinner by himself. He told me the OW was going to ride with him and I told him I didn't feel comfortable with that even though they were "just friends". It is a 45 minute drive to the restaurant. He called me later and he told his "friend" what I said. He told me that will not bring us closer together and that I was controlling. I told him he was placing his "friends" feelings above his wife. He then told me he had to go.

He is making me feel bad for no reason. I would appreciate some advice.

[TrentC]

My husband and I just had a disagreement on the phone. He was invited to a pharmacy rep dinner tonight but told me he wasn't going to go. At 400pm I get a text and he says he is going to the dinner and that the OW is going to be there also.

How... convenient that was.

I asked him to give me a call.

BZZZT! Penalty flag on the play...

He said he was definitly going and I asked him to drive to the dinner by himself.

...or else what? What would happen if he didn't?

He told me the OW was going to ride with him and I told him I didn't feel comfortable with that even though they were "just friends". It is a 45 minute drive to the restaurant.

...and what happens if he does go with her?

He called me later and he told his "friend" what I said. He told me that will not bring us closer together and that I was controlling. I told him he was placing his "friends" feelings above his wife. He then told me he had to go.

...and what happens since he didn't respect your boundary?

He is making me feel bad for no reason. I would appreciate some advice.

Well, you didn't actually place a proper boundary -- made it about him respecting your feelings, with consequences if he chooses to cross that boundary. So in that case, yes, you were trying to control his behavior, and with no consequences there was no possbility of compliance.

If there is an OW then working on the relationship will be all-but-impossible; his head is in a fog. So that must be dealt with.

I'm not familiar with your situation, but I assume you two are still living together. If so, you can restate the boundary correctly:

"I feel that your relationship with OW is disrespectful of me and of our marriage. I do not have any intention of living in an open marriage, so if you choose to continue to see her, you can take your things and go.

If you choose to stay here with me, then you must cut off all contact with OW; and I will insist on being able to verify that you are doing so. If I find that you are contacting her while still here with me, you can leave and I will begin filing for divorce."

[lostmybestfriend]

I appreciate your advice. I understand what you are saying. I don't want to be a controlling person.