'' I had an awakening this morning"

[acsnow]

When I get back into the house and things settle down after a few days,how should I interact with my W? I know not to chase and persue. I don't want to act like she is not there.

[givingitmyall]

When I get back into the house and things settle down after a few days,how should I interact with my W? I know not to chase and persue. I don't want to act like she is not there.

Treat her like a roomate. Polite, but not pursuing. It may be hard, but you don't want to be rude. What you are working on is "loving detachment."

Read this:

Developing Detachment

Also, have you read DB or DR yet? If not, do it. Review some of the tips from the board. Here's a good list I copied from another poster, sandi2:

WAW Do’s/Don’t’s
1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore!
2. No frequent phone calls to him/her.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to him/her through
conversation.....say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, etc.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention. (Remember, you are drawing him/her back with this technique.)
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and
being clingy.)
8. Do not buy gifts. (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together. (That is pursuing.)
10.Do not spy on spouse. (Not good for you and will make
matters worse.)
11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to
make him/her say it too......he/she will despise you for it.)
12.Act as if you are moving on with your life!
13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times!
14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do
things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the
conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be scarce or
short on words. If he/she asks what's wrong....just
say "nothing". Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an
argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting.
16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her
whereabouts, ASK NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home!
17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an
awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to
move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait
to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!)
19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse
happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around, somebody that is attractive and fun.
20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until
your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)
21.Never lose your cool! Don't let him/her trap you into a fight.
22.Don't be overly enthusiastic b/c it will come across as fake.
23.Do not argue about how he/she feels (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.)
24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give him/her space and time.
25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you
26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to
speak out (or scream and yell).
27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all
the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil)
28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self
help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. "The Five Love Languages" and "His Needs, Her Needs" would be good ones to start with.
29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT
actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say
or write.
30.Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting
more than ever and are desperate and needy
31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse
32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what
you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because
he/she is hurting and scared.
33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34.Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.

I bolded the ones that jumped out at me, but they are all good suggestions.

I would add that you should try to be the one who ends conversations or goes to bed before her. Even if the conversation seems to be going well. Try to stay upbeat and keep the conversation light. Let her initiate conversation.

And one of my personal favorites is something you should review every day:

STOCKDALE PARADOX:

"You must retain faith that you can prevail to greatness in the end, while retaining the discipline to confront the brutal facts of your current reality."

Admiral James Stockdale was shot down in Viet Nam and imprisoned in the "Hanoi Hilton" for almost eight years. He was also its highest-ranking officer. He writes about his experience in his book, In Love and War. How did he survive while others did not? "Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties." He adds, however, what distinguishes his position from simple "optimism" - and formulates what has become known as the Stockdale Paradox: "and confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be."

This is the critical difference which guards against the endless disappointment that optimism’s carrots' evasiveness create - until, maybe, the reward in the end. On the other hand, an ability to continue making realistic assessments of one's current life situation measures and apportions one’s energies and reserves to better face each challenge as it comes, thus positioning one with a stronger chance to prevail.

[acsnow]

I am reading DR right now. Also read 5 Love Languges. I have a copy of this "180 list" in my truck that I read through every day. I know it is going to be a rollercoaster.
I am pretty good at being a roommate. Thats how we have lived the past 4 yrs, except we used to say "I Love You" in the morning before work and before we went to bed, and gave each other a kiss. Is was just a routine. I do love her very much, but I know that I will not be showing those acts of affection.

[givingitmyall]

I am reading DR right now. Also read 5 Love Languges. I have a copy of this "180 list" in my truck that I read through every day. I know it is going to be a rollercoaster.
I am pretty good at being a roommate. Thats how we have lived the past 4 yrs, except we used to say "I Love You" in the morning before work and before we went to bed, and gave each other a kiss. Is was just a routine. I do love her very much, but I know that I will not be showing those acts of affection.

I'm still in the same house with my W - seperate rooms though since the bomb. I can tell you where I struggled so you can be on the lookout for thses for you:
-Not being able to say ILY - was a big deal for me. I said it often to her pre-bomb.
-When we retreat to our sep. bedrooms each night.
-Just being around her knowing I could not kiss/hug her.

There are probably more.

In my sitch, I took the time, sometimes unintentionally, to work on myself. Really get acquainted with me. As much as you can, try not to focus on her (somewhere in the background I hear Yoda saying "Try not. There is only do." or something like that).

Do things with your kids. And just try not to be available to her. That means no sitting around the house waiting to see what she is doing, will ask you to do, etc. Get busy with yourself.

[acsnow]

I am reading DR right now. Also read 5 Love Languges. I have a copy of this "180 list" in my truck that I read through every day. I know it is going to be a rollercoaster.
I am pretty good at being a roommate. Thats how we have lived the past 4 yrs, except we used to say "I Love You" in the morning before work and before we went to bed, and gave each other a kiss. Is was just a routine. I do love her very much, but I know that I will not be showing those acts of affection.

I'm still in the same house with my W - seperate rooms though since the bomb. I can tell you where I struggled so you can be on the lookout for thses for you:
-Not being able to say ILY - was a big deal for me. I said it often to her pre-bomb.
-When we retreat to our sep. bedrooms each night.
-Just being around her knowing I could not kiss/hug her.

There are probably more.

In my sitch, I took the time, sometimes unintentionally, to work on myself. Really get acquainted with me. As much as you can, try not to focus on her (somewhere in the background I hear Yoda saying "Try not. There is only do." or something like that).

Do things with your kids. And just try not to be available to her. That means no sitting around the house waiting to see what she is doing, will ask you to do, etc. Get busy with yourself.

How long since your bomb and how are things going now?

[givingitmyall]

First, don't fall into the trap of "how long." Everyone's sitch is different.

But, my W told me she wanted a D in April 2009. We are still in the same house-sep. rooms.

A few weeks ago, W agreed to go to marriage counseling that included reconciliation as an option. Up until then, she refused any MC if it had anything to do with us getting back together.

So, it might, MIGHT, be a positive sign. But, I have no expectations (also something you have to learn), and I cannot tell you I feel any better about the prospects of our M being saved than I did before she agreed to go to MC.

If you have a LOT of time, you can click on the links to my threads below.

One of the hardest things to which I had to adjust was not viewing my W as my W. Old habits are hard to break, but you have to.

[acsnow]

The one thing going for me is that my W to this day has not said that she wants a divorce. She just wants to be alone and wants me to move on with my life. Thats why I still think there is hope. Once I get back into the house I am going to feel that I am in a better place. Just me thinking about being at the house puts my mind more at ease nowing that I am doing this for "ME".

[acsnow]

My W says she wants to be my best friend and be apart of my life regardless of what happens. Thats what I am going to do. Just see her as my friend.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Still moving back in?

[acsnow]

Still moving back in?

Yes