Detachment

[brknheart]

It is good that you've come a long way and a lot have people have noticed. Means she does, too. for sure but won't acknowledge it (usually because "it's too little. too late".
Keep doing what you're doing. Results and answers will come in time.

Thanks Gardner. She said "too little, too late" when she dropped the bomb, didnt even give us a chance. After she came by the other day, she txt me saying she was very sorry for stopping by and that she wanted to respect my wishes to not see her. She probably thinks I hate her, that my entire family hates her, etc. In about a week or so I plan on starting to pack up my things. From the beginning I told her its not over until we sign the D papers. I still feel this way. Detaching but still caring. I just hope she knows that I still care and love her, the way her mind works she may convince herself that I dont or never did...

[PainfulDusk]

Finally finished reading thru this sitch and it has been a huge help. I dont really have much to offer on it other than I have finally gotten to a point in detachment that I can stand back and not become a complete emotional wreck over my sitch. Reading thru so many sitchs and seeing that "point" when detachment becomes real is encouraging. Its different for everyone but the premise is the same. We come to a point and make a decision to stop reacting. Realizing our own self-worth and gaining self respect little by little.


Dusk

[Coach]

this is from Bobbijo, one of my original "peeps" on DB.

OK so this is nothing new. Just something that struck me today for no apparent reason so I am sharing it. Given I am over 2 years into this, so it may fall on deaf ears for you who are 'new'...

In the weeks/months (years? ) after the 'bomb', far too often--myself included--the LBS makes the majority of decisions from a position of fear. Fear of losing the WAS.

The thing is, they are already gone! Does anybody remember Wayne's World? In the movie the stalker gf tells Wayne, "Keep that up and you will lose me..." and he says, "I lost you...three months ago...get the net!" Well it is sort of like that. Except that we are the ones worried we will lose them, and they are already gone! Heck most of them have been making plans for their 'getaway' for quite some time before we realize it!

So anyway (pardon my ramble), we are petrified to take action b/c "What if what I do pushes them further away? Makes them take the big leap off the cliff?" (divorce)

Guess what??? THEY ARE COUNTING ON THAT! It's where the whole 'gaslighting' concept comes in. "Well, geez, LBS, I was just thinking I wanted to come home. But now you went and told me I can't bring OP to the family Christmas party. So I guess now I don't want to come home and it's all your fault!"

That is pitiful. But know what's more pitiful? When we actually kinda believe it is our fault...

I would put off making weekend/holiday plans, justincase my WAs might decide he wanted to spend time with me...so what did he see? Me, sitting right where he left me, easy to find if he wanted to come back. But why would he want to come bac to the same exact person he left? Duh...

Now I took back the reins.

I hired a landscape crew to totally redo the back yard.Didn't ask for input, 'in case he winds up living here too'.

Ditto the appointment with the JC Penny lady for new blinds and windowshades. No more worrying H might not come back if I bought the wrong color and didn't ask for his input....(wow--sad! )

The kids have been talking about the vacation that WE (not H) are planning already for next spring. No more waiting to plan in case H might want to come along...

OK I could go on for hours. But I won't. What is my point--
ROCK THE BOAT ALREADY!!!!

What do you have to lose?

Well if you let yourself be ruled by fear you stand to lose:

Your self-respect

Your friends (tired of you waffling on them or backing out if the chance to see WAS arises)

Your identity (I don't know who I am until WAS tells me who they want me to be).

OK, rant over. Go shake things up.

[Ready2Change]

Detachment:

Doing what is right for me and my kids and not worrying about how MsR2C will react.

[antlers]

Detachment:

Doing what is right for me and my kids and not worrying about how spouse will react.

Great definition...thanks!

[brknheart]

Keep the comments coming.

The issues I am having in my detachment process is my intellect tells me my WAS is not coming back and I am probably better off without her. My emotions are telling me that I want her back and am hoping she wakes up one day and realizes what she is doing is wrong. Its a constant battle each day, I know it takes time. I am at the point where I am making decisions about my future, without the WAS. This involves moving on with my life completely, new city, new job, new friends.

[Gardener]

btknheart,

Keep the comments coming.

Yes. please do.I agree.

The issues I am having in my detachment process is my intellect tells me my WAS is not coming back and I am probably better off without her.

Same here.

My emotions are telling me that I want her back and am hoping she wakes up one day and realizes what she is doing is wrong.

My emotions now tell me I don't want who she is now back. At all. And I know she will realize one day what she did was wrong. She destroyed everything family-wise and appears intent on finishing off whatever 'loose ends" she's left blended-family-wise

I am at the point where I am making decisions about my future, without the WAS. This involves moving on with my life completely, new city, new job, new friends.

I'm with you there, too. Will be moving away at some time after D. Probably within 6 months.

And yet, I maintain the capacity for compassion (definition:Sympathetic pity).

She is confused, distraught, in pain, scared, has FOO issues erupting inside her and has been woefully misguided by at least one IC and probably MC, too, through all those secretive individual sessions she had with him (7) while we went to see him together (13). In fact, the only suspicion I ever had that there is or was an OM has been him and his oh-so-smooth manipulative, svengali-like effect he had on her and his obvious (to me) attraction to her.

Still, I have much compassion for her and her issues but they are all beyond my capacity to do anything for her except the one thing she has repeatedly asked of me since February; "Just leave me alone"

Sorry. Got carried away again, as usual. Should've put this on my thread. Maybe I'll paste it there.

But, as I started out to say, brknheart: I hear you and I understand completely.

Hang in there.

[brknheart]

wow Gardener, sounds like we are on the same page.

[Inaspin]

Does anybody have any advice on detaching when W and I still live in the same house and sleep in the same bed.

Up until a week ago she still said "I love you" and would kiss me before bed.

Now she is really detaching from me, says very little, does not kiss me good night etc.

I have still been kissing her goodbye and saying I love you, but I feel she is reluctant to kiss me and does not respond anymore when I say I love you.

I was scared dot stop because I wanted her to know that I still am trying, but I think she knows how I feel.

I am going to continue to be positive, show compassion, but not be over loving or affectionate to her.

Is it best to stop the kissing and say I love and wait for her to make those moves? detachment is probably the hardest concept for me to apply.

[Coach]

This is good from GIMA.

Many of us (myself included) were co-dependent upon our spouses. We relied on them to make us happy, fulfill us and make us "feel whole." The truth is, the only person responsible for my happiness, fulfilment, wholeness is....ME. A relationship built on the belief that my spouse is supposed to make me happy is destined to fail. And, it's just unhealthy.

So, we all have to embrace the fact that we, and we alone, determine if we will be happy. You have to like yourself and have respect for yourself in order for you to be happy. That means respecting yourself enough not to be treated badly (being insulted, yelled at, run down by another). If you are treated badly, you played a part in LETTING it happen. Either you put up with it, or you simply accepted it as normal (maybe you thought you deserved it). So, like yourself enough to be treated well.

Once you understand, and accept, that you alone are responsible for your happiness, you stop putting your moods, emotions and feelings in someone else's hands. That doesn't mean you don't open yourself up to a relationship. It means that if spouse is having a bad day or is in a bad mood, it does not make you have a bad day/mood. And that's b/c your happiness does not depend upon SPOUSE's mood.

Now, detachment, I believe, means you know you will be ok no matter what. I know you don't want to be D'd, he!!, none of us really want to be D'd. But those are the cards we were dealt (and, quite frankly, dealt ourselves). So, you have to deal with it.

One of two things is going to happen - divorce or reconciliation. Obviously, reconciliation, if done for the right reasons, is what we want. But, our spouses are in the fog. And, maybe for the first time we have had to come to grips with the reality that we DO NOT CONTROL them. So, let that go.

That leaves D. Something none/few of us thought we would be dealing with, right? Well consider being D'd for a moment. Do you believe you will be lonely the rest of your life on this Earth if you were D'd? Do you honestly believe you could never find another person to share your life with? Notice I didn't say a person to "make you happy" b/c that's YOUR job. And the answer to the question is NO. Of course you will be happy. And, yes, there are many other people out there with whom you could be happy - and, dare you consider it - HAPPIER than you have EVER been?

The point is to reach the realization that if you end up D'd, it is NOT the end of the world. It seems like it now, but, really, it's not. You still have your children. You still have a long, full life ahead of you (IF you choose to make it so).

So, accept that you are ALREADY D'd (you are). Now, set about improving yourself for your NEXT R. You want that to be with your H, but it may not be. In either case, make the decision to be happy. More importantly, realize you WILL be fine no matter what.

And realizing the truth that is you WILL be fine no matter what IS detachment. And it leads to a better frame of mind and a healthier place. When I alone am responsible for my happiness, then I have no excuse being unhappy. NO EXCUSES.

So work on getting to detachment. Then, there is more work to be done. But, you can't do it until you get there first.
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