Detachment

[Coach]

this is from Bobbijo, one of my original "peeps" on DB.

OK so this is nothing new. Just something that struck me today for no apparent reason so I am sharing it. Given I am over 2 years into this, so it may fall on deaf ears for you who are 'new'...

In the weeks/months (years? ) after the 'bomb', far too often--myself included--the LBS makes the majority of decisions from a position of fear. Fear of losing the WAS.

The thing is, they are already gone! Does anybody remember Wayne's World? In the movie the stalker gf tells Wayne, "Keep that up and you will lose me..." and he says, "I lost you...three months ago...get the net!" Well it is sort of like that. Except that we are the ones worried we will lose them, and they are already gone! Heck most of them have been making plans for their 'getaway' for quite some time before we realize it!

So anyway (pardon my ramble), we are petrified to take action b/c "What if what I do pushes them further away? Makes them take the big leap off the cliff?" (divorce)

Guess what??? THEY ARE COUNTING ON THAT! It's where the whole 'gaslighting' concept comes in. "Well, geez, LBS, I was just thinking I wanted to come home. But now you went and told me I can't bring OP to the family Christmas party. So I guess now I don't want to come home and it's all your fault!"

That is pitiful. But know what's more pitiful? When we actually kinda believe it is our fault...

I would put off making weekend/holiday plans, justincase my WAs might decide he wanted to spend time with me...so what did he see? Me, sitting right where he left me, easy to find if he wanted to come back. But why would he want to come bac to the same exact person he left? Duh...

Now I took back the reins.

I hired a landscape crew to totally redo the back yard.Didn't ask for input, 'in case he winds up living here too'.

Ditto the appointment with the JC Penny lady for new blinds and windowshades. No more worrying H might not come back if I bought the wrong color and didn't ask for his input....(wow--sad! )

The kids have been talking about the vacation that WE (not H) are planning already for next spring. No more waiting to plan in case H might want to come along...

OK I could go on for hours. But I won't. What is my point--
ROCK THE BOAT ALREADY!!!!

What do you have to lose?

Well if you let yourself be ruled by fear you stand to lose:

Your self-respect

Your friends (tired of you waffling on them or backing out if the chance to see WAS arises)

Your identity (I don't know who I am until WAS tells me who they want me to be).

OK, rant over. Go shake things up.