WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 11

[confusedinpa]

Hi mom. Thanks for your encouragement and thoughts of hope.

Today is my first day home in Pa where I don't have the boys since losing my another job. I had gone up I NY to shut down my apt on Mon after I dropped my boys off at school. I got back late yesterday and went out with a couple of buddies for beer am wings. I felt a little awkward as the three of us, back when I had a job, did very well financially (combined the three of us grossed around a half a mil per war) so we would go out and enjoy and spend without much though as we only did it once/qtr. But when they started talking about the next trip, going to a formula race, and were debating if it was worth the extra 5k to helicopter in and out of the race, it really hit home how I have no job am got really worried about the future for me and my boys.

Guess what matters is that even if I never find a job at the level I had been for the last several years (which us when my WAW said she felt unloved) I know I will always have my boys to love and cherish.

I'm really down today, not because of my WAW as I'm past her, even if she wanted to come back I wouldn't trust her enough to want her back

My buddies last night really helped me "man up" to get my life back in gear. They were supportive when I'm down but they, like many here have said, kept pressing me to figure out my plan so I get back to execution. The called me out that the last 3 days, I've been "wasting" my time churning with tactical stuff. It was stuff that, even completed doesn't directly get me to my end game. Problem was I didn't know what that was.

We spent a lot of time talking, actually them kicking my butt about it. We only had a two pitchers (we normally go through 3-4 a piece) so it was really productive, not just a drunken guy stuff LOL :-)

I'm still working it out but the bottom line was, and again people said it to me here before, I need to start with me an strengthen myself up first - emotionally, mentally and physically. Physically I think I on track as I've lost 25 lbs this year and have been running twice a week to the point I couldn't say when was the last time I used my asthma meds (I used to use it every other day). It hard in my mind to seperate mentally and emotional but I feel mentally I starting to get my attitude back in line. I felt very strong mentally last week, right up to when they terminated my employment. That set me back a couple of notches but last nite with my buddies, along with a couple of dancers at a gentlemens club ;-) LOL, I'm getting my a positive attitude in sight again.

Emotionally I'm still feeling raw. The divorce filing, then her moving out, then losing my job, finding out that she's been cheating on me for over a year and then all the drama in NY where it ended with me losing my job has really done a number on me. My buddies called me out how I've become overly sensitve to things that are happening and said. Before I was the other way around where I was completly oblivious to it all but now they see I hang on everything that happens and is said. They said I need to rebuild my wall so to speak

So I'm gonna focus on getting a job and fighting to spend as much time with my boys. I can't allow myself to be distracted by other drama. As part of my job search, will include looking for that bar/restaurant that I've always wanted to open.

With this being said, sounds like I've got stop just talking and journaling about this stuff an just do it

FIDO