Trying LRT - Please Help!

[Serenity13]

((((MO3)))

Trust me when I say this - I can give you great advice ( I learned from the best) however when I used to have F2F with my H I seemed to turn into a friggen bowl of mush and could never say what I really wanted to say at that point in time...

All he had to do was throw a few I love you's my way and I was done...

Then he would start kissing me and get back in his car and go to her -

That hurt me so much however I never knew how to stop it until I posted here...

Then I learned to act as if we were just discussing business and after the first couple of times it started working...

If he leaned in to kiss me, I pulled away...

I was never rude however no way was he going to makeout with me at work then drive to his den of sin and bang her ever again.

I am thankful we don't F2F anymore right now...

That would involve him removing the rose colored glasses he wears and he isn't ready...

I still won't win any awards either lol...

I know how you feel right now and I am sorry...

I am so sorry for your pain...

Try this instead - Make the list however just list what is in your life that you are thankful for - Leave him out of it for now and focus on you and your kids...Hugs

[motherof3]

Try this instead - Make the list however just list what is in your life that you are thankful for - Leave him out of it for now and focus on you and your kids...Hugs

Serenity,

I took your advice and now have a piece of paper hanging on my bathroom mirror. Everytime I see it I plan to add something I am thankful for to the list.

[motherof3]

Wore my wedding ring this morning. Felt too guilty not to.

Question: My H and I alternate weekends with the kids. When it is his weekend he never takes them to Sunday school or church. This bothers me a great deal. H has the kiddos this weekend and I was thinking about asking him if I could pick up the kids, take them to church with me, and drop them back off afterwards. What do you all think?

[Serenity13]

(((MO3)))

I took your advice and now have a piece of paper hanging on my bathroom mirror. Everytime I see it I plan to add something I am thankful for to the list.

Perfect! I hope it helps you to feel better today.

H has the kiddos this weekend and I was thinking about asking him if I could pick up the kids, take them to church with me, and drop them back off afterwards.

I see nothing wrong with letting him know (not asking) that the children need to be in Sunday School as well as Church and if he isn't willing to do it, then you will be picking them up, taking them and then dropping them back off.

It helps with their stability and if it is something you have been doing, they will still need the consistancy.

Just so you know, I still wear my wedding rings as well.

[Lll54]

I also agree. There is nothing wrong discussing sunday school and church. Give him the opportunity to take them by bringing it up, there is no reason for him to slack off in the parenting department, if he says no, then proceed to offer to do it. I agree with the consistency issue on this. If S decides not to take them he is not being a good role model and that's where you need to step in and be the best that you can be for your children.

[motherof3]

Called H to speak with the kids before they went to bed. Afterwards I asked them to put H back on the phone.

Me: "Are you taking the kids to church on Sunday?"
H: "Um, no, but I can." (What? Since our S you have not taken them to church.)
Me: "I can pick them up from your place and drop them off after church."
H: "I don't care, either way." (Strange, H is never this indecisive. No matter, not even going to waste time pondering this.)
Me: "Okay, I will pick them up on Sunday at 8:45. Thanks. (This is a small 180 for me as I used to be a pleaser and would have said something to the effect of, "You tell me. What works best for you?")
Click.

BTW - I oh so briefly considered asking H to join us at church as it wouldn't hurt for him to go find some peace either. But smothered that idea rather quickly. I didn't want to come across as pursuing.

[Gardener]

Good for you, Mo3. Got 'em to church/sunday school (so they're not going bi-weekly), you took the lead, and showed your kids who puts more value on Church and Sunday school.

[Lll54]

Good job squashing the invite. At least you recognized it! That's one step in itself. Then not doing it is another. Two steps ahead!

[motherof3]

Here is more to my story that I haven't yet shared.

Prior to stumbling upon DB I found a book that promotes a controlled separation and started following that concept. Basically, it suggests that if your spouse is stuck on leaving, setup a controlled separation which will give the WAS time, and ease the fears of the divorce threat for the LBS at least the time being. The books goes on to suggest that you lay out some ground rules for your separation. They are as follows.

1. Time Limits: Set a time limit of which the books suggestes anywhere from 1-6 months. H suggested 4 months, which will be up on Janruary 26, 2010.

2. Legal Counsel: Agreed that during this time limit, neither one of us will file for divorce. However, we may still contact an attorney to become informed.

3. Living Arrangements: H moved out on 9/26/09.

4. Divide Home Furnishings: Done. I didn't let him take everything that he wanted. I kept the big screend HDTV.

5. Finances: Agreed that all kid related expenses such as daycare costs would be split evenly. For the time being H will also help contribute to the van and mortgage payments. I wouldn't be able to pay all of the household bills on just my salary.

6. Children: We made arrangements as to who would get the kids and when.

7. Interpersonal Relationship: Agreed to make no contact with each other for the first 3 weeks of separation. Communication regarding the kids was to be made via email and by telephone only if an emergency arises. The three weeks were up mid-October. Now we do talk over the phone, but it is always in regards to the kids. The book also suggests to setup boundaries regarding: telephone calls to each other, helping out with household repairs, family outings, dating each other, and intimacy. We agreed to go over these items after the initial 3 week period. I never brought up these items again with H as during that 3 week silence period I found DB. He hasn't brought them up again either.

8. Dating Others: We agreed not to date others during the defined separation period. I am following this rule. But who knows about H. Can't prove or disprove either way. Still don't know if there is OW, but everyone on the boards tells me to keep my eyes open.

9. Confidentiality: We agreed to limit explanation of the details of the contract.

10. Joint Marriage Counseling: As of right now, I am the only one going to C. Early on we went to an MC, once together, each individually, and together again. The MC was obviously not pro-marriage and didn't end up helping the sitch. I found a new C.

As I said above, this "contract" was created by both H and myself. Why he agreed to it participate in this agreement? I don't know as he was very adamant about filing for divorce.

So the point of all this is that I was paying bills today and noticed a number on the cell phone bill that I didn't recognize. I googled it and found out he had called a divorce attorney back at the end of October. I wasn't surprised to find this info, but it hurts just the same. At this point H has made no mention of this to me, nor have I seen any paperwork. The phone calls that he made were only for a minute or two each. Not enough time to get any concrete info. So I am assuming that he set up an appointment to meet with a lawyer.

Now I just don't know what to do? I have put the contract on the back burner and not mentioned it to H again. Instead I will keep DBing with GALing, 180's, and Acting as if. But should I schedule an appointment with an Attny too?

[TooLateForMe]

I agreed to a three month separation to save our marriage. My W seemed eager to fix things when I left. I even turned down a job in town to move to the next city over w/ my sister.

One week later she declared she was "done trying." She wanted a divorce as soon as possible. I begged and she relented, for one day and then was right back to being done w/ me.

Beware the controlled separation.