I am trying to do more than work and just focus on this. So far, I am not doing so well at that. I am a homebody and quite a loner. It does feel like I am going to explode, but each day I get a little calmer. I can tell by reading over my journal.
I am working out with my S16 and that may be the only time I forget this for even a minute. I intended to go shopping for something to wear to my company XMAS party today, but likely will not have time. I will do it though. Friday I am meeting an old friend for a beer after work - we'll wind up talking about my situation, but it's better than being alone.
I just picked up "No more Mr. Nice Guy" and will read that.
Being 100% honest, the reason I can't get my dbing together consistently is because I believe my WAW when she makes it sound that if I can just let things be what they are, give her time and space, time for her to heal and forgive me,there is a hope of us being back together. She has incredible control over me - yet she always felt I was controlling - or at least tried to be.
Obviously my methods have failed miserably, but I still can't fully embrace the db philosophy. I keep trying to find a happy median that will work in our situation. Yet, when I read the thread about none of us being unique, it makes so much sense to me.
I know that if I could not be so black and white, and stop flip-flopping and just be consistent in my thoughts and actions, it would make a huge impact on my WAW. Some days I have the balls to stand up to her and then the next time I don't. Proper dbign requires what would appear to her as being black and white and that pushes her away. I have to find a way to just do it, and not worry about the outcome. I still don't have that - all I worry about is the outcome. Just being honest.
I always thought I was a confident man, and most people who know me would think so. But since so very few people really know me (maybe only my WAW) they don't see the real me. I am only now recognizing how much I have lost "me" over the years and just how much I am dependant on my WAW, while she is quite independant.
I have to admit that every day, I think about one year from now and so badly hope that my WAW and I will be together. I know that will never happen unless I become a strong, confident, attractive man.
I waiver on this daily, but I think her moving out may actually help me to get over her and stop thinking there will be a quick fix. That's why I need to limit contact between us after the separation - otherwise every time I see, touch or smell her, I will fall in love all over again and need her.
