2) Your w is not doing this to hurt you. She is doing this because she is in pain and she does not know what else to do. She does not think she has a choice.
Almost always true. And tough to keep in mind through our own hurt and anger.
Keeping this in my thoughts "My dear friend is 'extremely confused and in a tremendous amount of pain,'"(her sister's words to me early on), helped me cope and stay focused.
Hurting people say hurtful things - it's a defense/coping mechanism. Hurting people do whatever they can to stop the pain. IMO it's counterproductive to "believe nothing of what they say" because a lot of answers can be found if you really listen with compassion. The reason your WAS is in a "fog" or spouting "script" is because they are hurting, confused, and looking for relief. Their actions in dealing with the pain are not the healthiest choices but they do work in the short run.
The first step in reconciliation is reducing the negative emotions. That has to start with you the DBer. I agree that you can't just arrive there without going thru the process. Once you reach the acknowledgement phase then you can start thinking. Once you start thinking then you can really make progress. But until you acknowledge that your marriage is over (you are already dead) then you are just reacting. Strong medicine that Detachtiva with rough side effects. For you PM fans detachment is differentiation. It is a journey so keep moving forward. Handle it.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
