2) Your w is not doing this to hurt you. She is doing this because she is in pain and she does not know what else to do. She does not think she has a choice.
Almost always true. And tough to keep in mind through our own hurt and anger.
Keeping this in my thoughts "My dear friend is 'extremely confused and in a tremendous amount of pain,'"(her sister's words to me early on), helped me cope and stay focused.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac