Did you not mention a third text from the wife? That response would have been understandable if one of the two emails was "sarcastic,assumptive,attacking,chastising", but they don't appear that way.
As far as D goes, you can't control how your wife disciplines her. In good households it is hard enough to work together....in our situations it gets so much harder. You have to work with your daughter independent of your wife. At first my wife was very unhappy with how I was handling the children, but since she wasn't around a lot that is how things went. Now grades are up and behavior is better...not perfect, but better. My wife criticizes a lot less about how I deal with the kids, but the proof is in the pudding. There is less arguing, grades are up, my children are happy, and believe it or not...my wife's relationship is getting better with them. I changed my tactics which changed our family environment....and though there are still battles....things are much less stressful.
This is some insight on what goes on in the mlcers mind. Just after she told me of the affair she started writing down things about her life etc. and she was hoping to discuss it with an IC.
‘Delboy and I have never been a lovey dovey couple. He wears his heart on his sleeve and very often I felt uncomfortable in his company (when we went out together). I never told him as I didn’t want to hurt his feelings and this has been going on for years.
He is a very sincere, thoughtful kind person and I love him for that. But I’m not in love with him. I admit that I have put other people’s feelings before my own. I had low self esteem (she’s always had it since about the age of 5) when at secondary school, and upon leaving. I put finding a boyfriend before anything else. I got a name for myself mixing with PH (a Man, very good seducer).
My mum kept saying “I wish you would find a boyfriend”. When I met Delboy I thought I fancy him and I did and when that feeling cooled down I was a part of his family. I got well looked after so I just sat back. I ran after Delboy (In the beginning 1975-6) because I thought I wouldn’t get another boyfriend even though I never had strong feelings for him. He had his problems and he felt really close to me he could confide in only me, I am a good listener.’
A couple of wks ago she emailed me and I cracked a joke about D not getting up.
Then last wk, D wouldn't get up to go to Dr.
Last nite I dropped D off at house from a friends, because it was unannounced I told D to tell S I love 'em.
So her text this am about S being upset, could've gone two ways, he was upset D had a friend over again and D was missing school or upset that I didn't wait and say love you.
I have texted S told 'em i love 'em and if he's upset about last nite, was respecting wife's space.
I wasn't going to let her bait me.
She did text back, wasn't be sarcastic D didn't get up for you.
I texted back...schools are called let me know what you find out enjoy the kids..will listen,will text will email u but will not be chastised any longer.
Just a minute ago wife texted:She will live.3 scripts.infection,asthma.
This morning was the first time in my entire life that I put up a boundary with her as to how she was going to talk to me, before it was silent treatment.
I'm proud of myself, I actually stood up for myself with her, I mean I stood my ground on something vs silent treatment, she wouldn't see anyway or just backing down.
Wasn't reading into what she was upto, I knew what she was up to.
She took my bait for a change. She responded back with info I needed and a sense of humor and I responded back with have a good day.
Look up on showroom tv and the movie trailer for Invictus comes on...didn't even know there was a movie named Invictus coming out.
Read most of Boundary's,the codependent book hasn't come in yet. Praying away, read Jim and Sally Conways when one wants out last night AND FOCUSING ON PROVERBS.
My wife knew I wore my love emotions on my sleeve, not my anger emotions,i would give silent treatment or just flat cut someone off for good. never hid anything from anyone but her.
She loved me quite a bit and i think that had a lot to do with this too.
She felt she was my sole supporter and the only one that could make me happy. A lot of that was true and in return for her making me happy, i smothered the heck out of her, too much so.
I know for a fact, I was not good at respecting her boundaries, so now when I do know she's going out of town or when we were together, have fun enjoy yourself.
The old husband wouldn't want her to do anything without him, but then i did that 180 july of 07 like she asked, then she flipped a 180 and wanted to things together again.
It was always a balancing act as to what she wanted. And she wouldn't or didn't say until this stuff what she was thinking, now that stuff is valid and darn it, she can't see that i made changes and she did acknowledge them and appreciated them, when we were a couple.
It's almost like she had two different personalities her whole life and I was always trying to catch up with one of them or I'd get frustrated and take control and say we're doing this then.
I'd ask her all the time, what do you want to do? she'd say whatever you want to do? Well in my mind, i'm like kids are gone let's get naked.
IN HER MIND, she wanted to go see her friends. But didn't tell me.
Good for setting a boundary. I agree with Trapt that you didn't have to tell her, but if that is a 180 for you...then good.
Remember the hard part comes now....you need to follow through with the boundary. When she comes back at you with unacceptable communication...you walk away...no explanation...nothing. If you don't, she will see you as weak and unconfident...
