can pursuing a WAS be a 180?

[avermont]

OK, I am looking for the "true giving" thread now. Little wheel keeps spinning.

I could also use direction on finding more on "detaching" The only link I have found is on the livestrong site, and that seems to deal so much with co-dependent/addictive problems. Geez, it is just my bf that I love--we're healthy individuals aside from current sitch!

I will work on my problems of being aloof, arms length. Have started that.

Am more than happy to be engaged, interested, passionate, caring in presence of bf, to show "change from aloofness" But as we are currently in NC stage...unless I initiate some little thing--how can I show my interest,care, etc.?

I did email a note about a project in town that he is in charge of that ran into a some difficulties. No response.

I did email a funny little story--got a positive response.

Do more of what is working--but I only have two stories:

1) paying bills together last time. He expressed huge anger and frustation that I "won" staying in the house. Thank goodness I have all of you backing me up that the leaver LEAVES.

2) so I payed the bills last night by myself. He knows that this time of the month would be bill-paying,but didn't inititate getting together to do so. So I maintained NC and did it myself. Could make him angrier that I am "cutting him out of" the house even more. But the bills had to get paid.

3) after the blow up about my "winning" the house, a few days later, I sent the little funny email story and got a positive response.

Other than that...radio silence...

So---what I am doing (Besides reading threads, going to therapy, going out with friends, working on myself) that WORKS? that sends vibrations through the atmosphere that somehow reach him? when we don't see or talk to each other?

I assume at this point that the trouble-free, hot and sexy gf is the better option. Don't know how/if affair will end. Want him to know that I am approachable for reconciliation (when affair ends) without having to start with hours of crying and recrimination.

Again, I am asking for the "how". Sorry, but I am a concrete thinker--if I do X, Y should happen. It is difficult for me to accept the gentle flow of change across time and distance.

More support, suggestions, and suggested reading are most welcome!