Believe it or not, as long a you don't wallow in them, they are good. Think of it as a wakeup call. What did you contribute to the decline of the M. What do YOU need to do to make sure that doesn't happen again (in any R). Now go fix it.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
I'm a little down this morning. During the drive to work, this thought popped into my head....Being married to me was so bad that my W was willing to cash in 1/2 of her retirement, move into a small 2 bedroom apartment, & only see her son 1/2 the time...just so she could get out. Now that's bad. I hate it when my mind wanders like that. Blaming myself...BAD. Feeling sorry for myself...BAD. Ugh.
E,
Don't to there. This (running away quickly, "trading down") is very typical of affairs, and it's mostly the brain chemicals talking. That's not to say BSs don't contribute to the dysfunction in a marriage -- they/we do -- but the total irrationality of the FLEEING can be attributed greatly to the chemical rush.
Feeling a little better now. I'm not sure I'll ever understand W's motivation...and I don't want to spend any time or energy trying to understand it. I'm trying to move on. W appears to be doing the same. There's basically no contact between us unless it involves our S. We both seem to prefer it that way right now. I'll be very surprised if W doesn't file by the end of the year.
Me-39 W-31 S-4 Bomb- 9/5/09 Discovered EA- 9/15/09 Found "proof" that EA is most likely a PA- 10/8/09 W moved out 10/31/09
Journaling: Not much new to report. W & I still only communicate if it's about our S. We have his soccer banquet/party this evening so we'll have to "play nice" in front of the other other kids & their parents.
Lately, I've been finding myself thinking about dating. Not that I'm ready to take that step yet...but I'm thinking about it & I'll be ready some time down the road. I guess that's progress when it comes to detaching.
Honestly, discovering W's A has made it MUCH easier to detach. I'm kind of enjoying the S so far. No worrying about what W is doing behind my back. (I don't care who or what she's doing.) No walking on eggshells in my own house. It's refreshing to be able to blast my favorite music and do whatever I want in my own home. I still have some "lonely" moments but I suppose that's natural. I need some time with myself right now.
Me-39 W-31 S-4 Bomb- 9/5/09 Discovered EA- 9/15/09 Found "proof" that EA is most likely a PA- 10/8/09 W moved out 10/31/09
Honestly, discovering W's A has made it MUCH easier to detach.
THANK you! Why do you think (among other reasons) I advocate getting to the bottom of things to people??!!
Once you see/hear proof of an affair, trust me, it's the "loving" half of "loving detachment" that you have the harder time with, not the "detachment" part.
Yep. I can't imagine NOT knowing about her affair. Me heartbroken and pining for her while she's carrying on behind my back...what a nightmare that would be. I'm so much better off knowing the truth.
Me-39 W-31 S-4 Bomb- 9/5/09 Discovered EA- 9/15/09 Found "proof" that EA is most likely a PA- 10/8/09 W moved out 10/31/09
Journaling: I've been doing pretty well adjusting to my new schedule w/ my S. And the detaching has gone well..only contact with W is in regards to our S.
BUT, I had one of those "moments" this morning. I'm flipping through the channels & there's some show on about a couple who just had a baby. I started to think...just this past summer, W & I were trying for our 2nd child. Now I'll probably never have another child. I'm 39 years old & starting over. It could be years before I'm ready to get serious with another woman...let alone serious enough to re-marry & have a child. Damn...this sucks.
Me-39 W-31 S-4 Bomb- 9/5/09 Discovered EA- 9/15/09 Found "proof" that EA is most likely a PA- 10/8/09 W moved out 10/31/09
Here we go again. I broke my own rule & listened to a CD filled with sappy songs during my drive to work this morning. Next think you know, I'm all depressed & thinking about how alone I am. It sucks that certain songs, places, etc can bring up old memories & bum me out. I HATE feeling sorry for myself. Ugh. Need to keep busy today.
Last edited by etrain; 11/19/0901:38 PM.
Me-39 W-31 S-4 Bomb- 9/5/09 Discovered EA- 9/15/09 Found "proof" that EA is most likely a PA- 10/8/09 W moved out 10/31/09
That's such a tough question. Right now I'd say I'm 95% certain I don't want her back. I do miss the way things used to be...she was a big part of my life for 13 years. That's why I only said 95%. I'd love to have my "old" W back...but this version of my W is a completely different person. And I don't know if I'd ever be able to completely forgive her for the A...it would always be in the back of my mind.
I'm focusing more on detaching and GAL'ing right now. I guess that's why I'm still posting here even though I'm not sure I'd want to bust the divorce even if I could. For me to even consider reconciliation, it would take a HUGE committment and a lot of convincing on her part. I wish I had a better answer to your question.
Me-39 W-31 S-4 Bomb- 9/5/09 Discovered EA- 9/15/09 Found "proof" that EA is most likely a PA- 10/8/09 W moved out 10/31/09
