Last Saturday night she climbed into bed and slept curled up with me. Now this crap again. I m having a hard time with the utter disrespect shown toward me.
I wonder if I'd even really want her back anymore.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
A lot has happened since my birthday. She seems to be having a hard time with all of this she has come into my room and woken me up to talk. Not really about R stuff. Mostly about how amicable she will be when she moves out. She seemed to be looking for me to give her approval. She even wanted a hug.
She was sick yesterday. I stayed home, took S to school, picked him up, got dinner and her prescriptions as she was laid up. Not to kiss up, but because that is just the kind of guy I am.
Its hard to believe that she is willing to give up everything. She clearly loves our family and our home. I am really starting to shut off toward her anymore though.
I'm having a hard morning however. Resentment and sadness all mixed together.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
Im new to your sitch but I've been reading up on your ups and downs. Mine have been similar. After I basically went dark on her she's recently texted me to see if I wanted some dinner she cooked. (she moved out after threatening to for a couple months only after I forced her to) After I said no thank you she found a reason to drop food off anyway as my older son was over visiting. She got Upset because my two sons, daughter in law and grandaughter were over on a planned dinner. She stated she felt ostracized. Then I ran into her at a grocery store a couple days later as I was leaving. She came up and gave me a hug and a kiss and said I looked great. Then she texted me to have a good day a couple days ago. Then nothing but silence and her insistence we are done. I think its all just part of the journey. I truly believe my W doesnt know what she really wants but her MLC has her so screwed up she cant think straight. Thats obviously what your W is going thru. Like everyone says when this DB journey started, strap yourself in because its a hell of a rollercoaster ride. As long as you focus on yourself and your child and maybe have a little less responding to her and contact w/her you should do a bit better. It drives me crazy but you cant go looking for hope in every tiny bit of contact or youre gonna go mad. Good luck.
She seemed to be looking for me to give her approval. She even wanted a hug.
If you can handle the hug, no problem. I would not give her the approval she is looking for to bless her decision to D. This is part of bursting the bubbles of her fanatasy of what life will be like post-D. You don't do it in a a$$hole way, just don't agree with her. You know the drill.
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She was sick yesterday. I stayed home, took S to school, picked him up, got dinner and her prescriptions as she was laid up. Not to kiss up, but because that is just the kind of guy I am.
This is compassion, and this is good. You aren't kissing her a$$. You are simply showing kindness to another human being.
And you were doing fine until...
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Its hard to believe that she is willing to give up everything. She clearly loves our family and our home. I am really starting to shut off toward her anymore though.
Where's your focus? Can you control what she's thinking/willing to do? So, why worry about it? I know, easier said than done. But, we've all been there. You have to grieve the loss of your M - no question. But, as you grieve, stay aware that you need to "keep walking" through the grief and towards accepting that the M is over - really, truly, God honest O...V...E...R.
Then, once you have reached that place where you accept you are already D'd and that you will be ok when the technical D is finished, you can begin acting like you should - as Coach says, acting like a soldier should. I promise you it is much better in that place. You aren't worried about what will happen, what she's thinking/doing. A lot less stress and your actions towards her will show, I mean really show, detachment. What happens as a result of that, who knows. But, YOU will be better off, that much IS certain.
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I'm having a hard morning however. Resentment and sadness all mixed together.
Understandable. Grieve the loss. Then get back to work. Working on you. Working on being a better father and H (for someone - might be W, might not).
The problem is that she is still there. She isn't saying its over anymore. She's saying if there is a chance that we can make it work, she has to leave and find what she is looking for. I don't really want to wait around and be the fall back just in case she can't find a life that she likes better.
My focus on her mindset is mostly just observation, but it does add to my confusion. Such mixed messages. I don't validate or give approval for her actions. She keeps looing for it though. I validate plenty. Just not her leaving.
It seems that we are to be deemed "done" she's waiting for me to make the call. I haven't yet, but I have set some boundaries. I toke her that once she is gone I will only be a part of her life where S is concerned. She really wasn't happy about that. She seems to think that we would still hang out or something.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
The problem is that she is still there. She isn't saying its over anymore. She's saying if there is a chance that we can make it work, she has to leave and find what she is looking for. I don't really want to wait around and be the fall back just in case she can't find a life that she likes better.
And you should not wait around for her. The point is to get on with YOUR life. And that will probably not make her happy. And if it doesn't, then good. It MAY make her re-evaluate her decision, and then YOU get to decide if you want her back and under what terms. This is critical - SHE has to fight for YOU if she has a change of heart. DO NOT save her from the reality of her decision. She needs to experience that.
Oh, and I don't believe the bit about the only way we have a chance is if I leave. That's just a backhanded way to get you to give her permission to D you. Don't fall into that trap.
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My focus on her mindset is mostly just observation, but it does add to my confusion. Such mixed messages. I don't validate or give approval for her actions. She keeps looing for it though. I validate plenty. Just not her leaving.
You are in charge of what you ALLOW to confuse you. Detach, and this isn't an issue any more. AND, you will see how much clearer you will be able to think.
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It seems that we are to be deemed "done" she's waiting for me to make the call. I haven't yet, but I have set some boundaries. I toke her that once she is gone I will only be a part of her life where S is concerned. She really wasn't happy about that. She seems to think that we would still hang out or something.
It's not YOUR call b/c it's not YOUR decision. Don't let her make you a part of her bad decision. That's exactly what she's looking for. DON'T give this to her.
Now, that does not mean there isn't a day coming (maybe it's here) where you file for D. That's your call. But, either she is working on putting the M back together, or heading that way, or you guys should set about taking it apart.
And the "we will still be bestest buddies" thing. Script. I have been told the same thing. And, it a'int happenin. Burst the bubbles of her fantasy. And let her embrace the reality (sort of the flip side of Coach's "embrace the suck").
You are handling this the right way. But, you need to grieve the loss, and get on with detachment and accepting your new existence. And, here's the best part, it isn't all bad AND YOU will be a very emotionally healthy person. And that opens a lot of doors you have yet to discover even exist.
You ARE strong enough to do this. Just make the decision to do it.
This is new for me. I find myself feeling nothing for W. I mean nothing! Not anger, not love, not sadness. The fact that I feel shut off is...well...I don't know. Just not right.
I feel completely disconnected from her. Like this is a business transaction that didn't work out. This is what she was saying about herself when this all started.
I can't go to this site at work anymore so I am limited to my phone. It makes it challenging to comment on other people's situations.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
