Divorced and want to reconcile...

[mar1713]

Ugh..dday, this is a bad day..I don't know why I just suddenly feel like I should give up and face the fact he doesn't want any more to do with me than a friendship. I can't help but like how things are going and it gets my hopes up a bit and then things like my birthday I described above happens.
Tonight I went to his place to pick up our s and we stared talking about the new job I just got (yay!) but it doesn't have health insurance. In my field I can't seem to find anything more than PT or hours that split so they don't have to give you health insurance. I'm a Dietitian. They've been cutting Dietitians workloads everywhere! Anyway, I told him I have state health insurance because of my s for now and I can be on that for a while. I also told him that even though I'm single now, you never know, I could meet someone that would like to have a life with me, I mean not now, because I'm not interested in a R, but in the future..and that I don't intend on being single for the rest of my life. Seriously, the way the conversation took place, it didn't sound like I was asking him to make a decision about me, it was just like one friend talking to another. He has a work Xmas party coming up, he didn't invite me to..he does other things and doesn't include me and I'm just feeling like maybe I should back out of the Thanksgiving Dinner and let him go with our s. I'm not in a good place right now, I feel very sad...

[dday101798]

I also told him that even though I'm single now, you never know, I could meet someone that would like to have a life with me, I mean not now, because I'm not interested in a R, but in the future..and that I don't intend on being single for the rest of my life.

Uhhh, whoa, whoa. You told your XH your trying to get back THIS?!?!

Reading that, it's no wonder he didn't invite to his party. I think you need a reminder here Mar, your XH is now the WAS by your previous actions when you were in that role. I'm not sure how it all works out when the roles are completely flip flopped as I'm still learning myself, but I don't think this could have helped at all.

[RonD]

Just be patient and don't push it; remember he would not have spent that time with you unless he WANTED to. dday is right; he's the WAS now and he needs the to make the moves. Even though my XW is home I'm being careful to let her initiate everything.

Have faith and stick to what's been working. And DON'T push him away!

[mar1713]

I think then I may have some redeeming to do...I ended up with a flat tire this morning on my first day of work! I vented to my Ex through text message that it was flat (he was with me when we just recently got 4 new tires put on), when I heard back from him through text, I misread it and thought what he meant was that he came to my house to get me but was too late, what he was really saying is I must have been late to work..?? I don't know, sometimes texting isn't as clear as one thinks. Anyway, I got a better job offer at a different facillity today and I'm only a candidate thus far, but it looks good.
When we were talking on the phone about my tires, we got into the job offer talk and he was telling me how I can finally start saving money, ect... (It kind of makes me feel bad when he talks about my life with me, and references parts my life without him in it). I told him I wasn't going to get my hopes up until I actually get the job. He replied that it's hard not to get one's hopes up, and I replied, I can't get my hopes up about many things in my life anymore. I know...you know what's coming next..... and you're right. What we've been doing together came up and I told him I really enjoy spending time with him and like his company, we have fun together and respect each other, but the more we hang out together the more attached I'm becoming and since he has made it clear that he's not interested in me more than a friend, that I don't know if I can continue on this way without some inclining of a possibility of something more whenever. That it hurts me to hang out with him because I feel like I get more emotionally attached, and if he expects me to move on, I won't be able to. (He suggested I shouldn't wait for him) He replied that he stated where he stood and re-iterated that he has absolutely no romantic feelings for me and doesn't know if he ever will. He thinks that doing things with our s, is what's best for him and that's all he's been trying to do. He said it's good for our s to see his parents get along. Ok, but we can get along and not do all this other stuff together can't we? I pretty much tried not to cry, but did a little when I decided, right then, and responded to him that I thought I would be able to detach and just be his friend, but I found out I can't because I'm developing more feelings for him and thought it best to cancel the plans we have together.
So, I guess I've pushed him away?...Its painful this way too..but my gut is telling me that the only way he might figure out his feelings is through space. His actions say one thing to me and his verbal responses say something else, leaving me very conflicted. Even if he were to say, that he enjoys time with me and wants to hang out like this to see where it leads for us, rather than that he's doing this for our s's sake, because it's good for him, then I could continue. Do you think I totally messed this up?

[mar1713]

Hi there dday, going back to what I talked to my Ex about meeting someone someday. I think the way I worded it exactly was: I don't plan on living the rest of my life single. So that didn't mean anything for my immediate future. My Ex speaks to me like I'm one of his buddies sometimes. Just someone he talks about work and stuff with. Very casual, very impersonal. He is not emotional at all, at least not in front of me. So when I said that, he was once again, talking to me about my future, that was at the exclusion of him, so my replies were in the same format, if you know what I mean. It was very naturally occurring and I don't think it phased him at all. The frequency that we see each other is a lot, considering we're divorced..he doesn't get time to even miss me! You know how the saying goes...Why buy the cow, when you get the milk for free...well my ex isn't one that's very interested in the "milk" per se, this friendship for him ,I believe, is the "milk". And I believe he's very comfortable here and could go on like this forever. I don't want to push him away..but I don't want to make it so easy...his needs are all being met, he's absolutely fine and admits that. So what should I be doing? Continuing? or encouraging change? 180's? Something else? Nothing? Continuing the way we have been? I'm not sure?

[dday101798]

You need to start accepting the role of being the LBS now. Which means what you are doing is in a sense wallowing, beggind and pleading, which are no-no's and yes pushing your now WS away as it is unattractive. Remember that when you were the WAS?

You also committed in my opinion a cardinal sin: you quietly set yourself up with expectations, and now that those expectations are not coming to frutition, well, let the wallowing commence.

In a way, perhaps his statements and acting 'on the level' with you is a test. If so, I hope he grades on a curved scale.

Ron has a good point. He would not spend all this time with you unless he wanted to.

You have to remember tho, the male ego is very fragile when it comes to his spouse throwing him to the way-side. You say he needs space? True to an extent, but more so, he needs what I keep saying over and over to you, TIME. And again, during that time, as HE IS TELLING YOU, get your life together and on the straight and narrow, quit living in the past and make something of yourself (read as BE ATTRACTING), it's almost like he's begging you to make 180's for yourself and stop being a a-typical LBS.

[mar1713]

Hello, I was trying so hard not to come across as begging or pleading..Are you saying I can't just "matter of factly" state that all this" doing stuff" together just hurts and I don't want to get attached if he's just not interested?

And maybe I'm a bit naive, but I'm not exactly sure what you mean by acting "on the level" test...I'd like to understand that better if you wouldn't mind rephrasing just a bit.

To address Ron's point, I guess my confusion with that is because my Ex says it's not a matter of him wanting or not wanting to spend time with me, it's just something he does for our S's sake. Do you think that's not exactly true?

I am getting my life together, I'm on the fast track to that at least..I'm capable and never ask him for help unless there is something I have to do with one of my daughters and then I need him to watch our s.

All this just feels like a big game, to me, either you want something to work and both go for that, or one person tests the other and the other has to figure out how to pass without a rule book.. have you ever seen the movie "French Kiss"? Meg Ryan says when you're happy smile, when your sad, frown..ect...that's how I look at life. Forget the games and two people that care for each other can get there....this is just so mind boggleing. I have to figure out how to separate emotional attachment from logic, I think.. So....as the LBS, I probably shouldn't accept all invitations from him?, if any should even come my way anymore...I'm happy with who I am, I have a life taking care of 3 kids...one is out of the house already though, and balance a job, actually 2..do homework, go to school meetings for them as necessary, and have a nice bunch of girlfriends, oh and am avid gym member! I love my life minus when I feel someone is playng with my emotions...
SO at this point just play a waiting game, right?

[dday101798]

Mar

I speak to you out of the position of IF (and that's a BIG friggen if) my XW were to ever want to be in your shoes.

So, I would be testing her every second I could to make sure A, it's sincere, and B she doesn't tuck her tail between her legs and cower off the moment a challenge is in her face.

I will let Ron or any other poster who is in better circumstance than I guide you from here as I again am only speaking of what I would do.

[mar1713]

Hmmm.. well what would convince you she was sincere?
When we first go into a new R we are taking a risk, and that's
with someone you don't know.. Now, what we do know is that No R
is perfect, but is what you had with your ex worth one more risk? With
an intentional effort on both sides? I understand where you're coming
from as the hurt party, but testing your ex, as mine, I think
was testing me, has only made me feel as if I was losing my dignity.
I've been more than cordial, I've been treating him the same as when
we were married by cooking, asking if he needs help with anything, being supportive, keeping his favorite coffee at my place if he wants it, being agreeable to most anything and finding I was developing feelings for him that made me feel hopeless because of testing and his response of surprise that I felt that way, followed by the statement that he may never have romantic feelings for me... Is that what you would tell your ex?

[mar1713]

Today was a better day...Ex emailed and asked if he was still going to my niece's reception party with me..So we did go together and it was nice. I didn't give him undivided attention, but a nice balance of mingling with friends and family and attention to him. He knew people there too, of course, so he did some mingling too
: ) It ended nice, no physical contact, I just waved bye and said thanks for coming, very upbeat and positive.
As of today, he asked about thanksgiving, so I said I'd like to go and so we're back on.. maybe things have turned around a bit here. It is that some days are harder to cope than others..