Couple of weeks ago, got annoyed at all the texting I was getting. Mother was there to talk to me. She prays for us all the time and thinks that she doesn't want to end the marriage. I can't bring myself to do it either. It's a combo of just not wanting to give up and also not wanting to be the bad guy that she can blame for her mistake. Last weekend I went to my new place to sign the lease and get the keys. I got a little upset that morning because I was packing the house alone. Our plan before she messed up was to move to a bigger city, buy our dream house and start a family. Now, I'm packing up the house alone and I felt angry about it. The therapist said that at some point the angry would come out. I felt it coming and went out in the back yard with a 3 x 5 photo from my wedding. I doused it with gasoline and set it on fire. Then I just yelled to myself for a minute or two as the picture burned. That helped. After doing the lease, I came back home. On the way home, drove past OM's house. Just a spur of the moment thing. Quite embarassing in hindsight, not like anything good would have come from it. I texted one of my friends right afterwards and we talked and I felt a bit better. I am not sure what is going on with her since I haven't seen or her from W in almost a week, and haven't spoken in person this whole month. On the one hand, she hasn't been around on weekends, so I have no idea if she's trying to be around close friends for support because she misses me. Or it could be that she's introducing the OM to her friends and family in preparation for him moving into her house as soon as I leave the neighborhood. I think the later is paranoid thinking, but rationality goes out the window in these situations sometimes. As part of the moving on process, I have also explored other options. There's a couple of people that I'm interested in spending time with, even if it's just an innocent meal or phone convo. Admittedly, one of my co-workers and I have gotten really close and there is chemistry between us. She knows the whole story and has been very supportive of the false reconciliation a while ago. But she also has provided all the emotional support that W used to/should have been doing all along. I am not opposed to something happening prior to departure. It would merely be an extension of an emotional intimacy that we've felt towards each other. One nice thing about my situation is that all the people I work with are very sad to see me go, and this makes me feel good to know that there's plenty of people who still care about me. However, I won't say it feels good to know that shortly I'll have a going-away party that may have several dozen people, and the person I love the most in the whole wide world won't even be invited. But still I press on...still strong, and most days are pretty good. So I cannot complain.
