Over the Shock and GALing 6

[Thinker]

Hi d1adsl5a,

I know how you feel. I really do.

I think I can imagine quite a bit of your sitch without even reading into it (probably just projecting myself) but I can see my sitch in a lot of what you write.

Take a look at what I just posted (above) on the Grief phases. Based on your two posts, I would put you alternating between depression and anger right now. I'm just guessing, but your first post sounded depressed a bit ("I'm Tired of...") while this one reads a bit angry and resentful.

The good news is that this means you are progressing. The bad news is... you probably have to see these phases through as well.

You can use the anger and resentment to get you out of your sitch and your m now. Many people do. They will energize you right through the D process.

...or, since your W is not running out the door, you can work through them while married, get to acceptance, and then decide what you want to do. This is not to imply that a decision made in acceptance will be one to stay in the M - not the point at all.

For reasons specific to my own sitch, I decided to stay, work through the anger, get out of the depression, and spend some time working on myself. The net result may be the same - I'll likely get D'd, and the sitch is the same - my W and I are sleeping in separate rooms and spending time apart, but the feeling is completely different. The separation and space are now because I wanted them and I asked for them so that I could spend some time learning to be happy without being in a R.

I can't give you any general advice, but I do have a few comments on your post:

The reasons:

I am controlling with money...
She is not in love with me anymore
she was alone when I went to grad school in 1998. I was driven to success too much
Didn't help much when kids were under a year old
I married you because my father approved
she says I stopped wanting to go out alot

I think you know by now that much of this is script. I get / got the same things.

There is something in there, however. Have you spent the time and effort (and pain) to really look into why you are controlling about money (You probably are, I was), why you are so driven to successs, etc.? You seem to dismiss them as being wrong because she is saying them, but there are probably some things that you really should fix FOR YOU.

She has done all the MLC things: Goes out most weekends till 3am, drinks alot, tattoo on the buttocks, brand new wardrobe that I paid for, works out all the time, talks alot with exboyfriends,(actually texted one that I love you, I have loved you for last 20 years). She tells me that she meant to add as a friend..
--Do I have idiot written across my forehead. If it wasn't a physical affair, it sure the hell was an emotional one. She is very good looking. And she is going out in a new cougar outfit every weekend(she stopped wearing the wedding ring in June).

Red Flags Red Flags Red Flags

Is there an A in your sitch? If so, you should KNOW whether there is or not. I don't mean learn and follow the gruesome details, I mean know whether something is going on. It makes a big difference.

She blames me for becoming this person she is today. She doesn't like who she is. Wants to go back to the person she was before we were married.

Script

The one thing we never had which we have discussed is good communication. She yelled, I placated, she runs into the room and locks door. Next day fight was over. This would happen every 6-9 months throughout our marriage. I just never wanted to probe or open up pandora's box. I will own up to that one.

This seems pretty typical of many sitch's here. My M was pretty similar. It's a killer. The issue is also that when you placate, she loses respect for you. Nice Guy placating and avoiding the arguments is what we learned as kids, but it doesn't work for us now.

She had cancelled marital counseling after 3 sessions in May, cancelled retrouville in October.

is there an A?

I have made all the changes she requested. She says that you have done everything she could every want, but--I get the too little too late..

It's not about the changes. She doesn't want you to make the changes because she doesn't want to rethink her decision.

She says she can't get divorced yet until she saves up enough money. ...

... she blames me ...

...It wasn't because she has such a bad temper that everyone including her family are afraid to confront her on anything.

She seems to think divorce will be amicable with us buying houses right next to each other.

Actually all pretty typical cake eating, avoidance of responsibility, addiction to blame, and avoidance of reality.

You can't do ANYTHING about any of this. If she is going to get past it it is because she decides to. The only thing you can do is (as you seem to be) continue to calmly stand up for yourself and keep turning the focus back to reality.

So now I am supposed to sit and wait for her to save up money to divorce me--

Don't wait.

This is a quandary that many of us have reached. It is based on the false premise that "I can only be happy if I am in a good R". Therefore, if I were D'd, I would be out looking for my next R, and therefore if I am in a Bad R that can't be fixed, I am waiting for it to end so that I can be out looking for my next R so that I can be happy.

Stop waiting. I am not saying stop waiting and get a D, or stop waiting and go find another R. I am saying stop waiting and just go be happy.

Think on it a bit.

I have been doing all the DBing things. I have been happy, mysterious, you name it... I work out every day for my therapy in addition to seeing a therapist.

This is what I meant by "Bargaining through DB". It sounds for example, like you were being happy to try to get her back, rather than being happy to be happy.

However, some weeks I am done acting and just ignore her. This is one of those weeks.I just want it to be done. Just want to be whole and happy again.

Resignation. Depression Phase.

I have become more of the nurturing parent to our sons. So custody is the big discussion. I want the kids half the month. She thinks that is too much...We'll see how that one ends.

Fight for what you want and deserve. Joint custody is not unreasonable, and her maintaining full custody of the kids is just one more fantasy balloon that will have to be punctured.

----

Good Luck d1adsl5a.

Stay in touch. You'll make it.