A Wife that has come back? Post Affair feelings ,,

[Deep]

Sandi et al who advised me before are very wise, and I expect a few 2X4's may well come my way should they drop by again, and I deserve them.

W goes on leave for about half a year starting Monday. She has split her portfolio for her stand-ins and drew a boundary with her bosses that she will not want OM in it when she returns. She has gone into near total NC with him and made a point to explain what she is doing to me. So, one of our decision points was "what if" her bosses turned her down. She's prepared to quit.

I did a detailed breakdown of our spending before that to factor in income in all scenarios and how to make ends meet. This is my baggage - the resentment that his wealth helped attract her and my determination that I will "make it good". But GEEZ. The figures shocked me, and indeed W is still in shock when I told her. I run my own biz and make an ok living for now but we cannot sustain our lifestyle as is if things take a dip. We're not lavish by any means and live in a modest suburban condo with a Japanese MPV, but facts are facts and our monthly spend is 5 figures (yeah in USD). That's not factoring in the 3rd kid, the kids' college education savings etc.

Major backslide time. Deep shame in thinking "Oh, crap, she's gonna go all insecure again and who knows what will happen this time". Cue triggering of insecurities and resentments.

And now for the "OW" that Sandi rightly pointed out to me. I was an idiot, utterly utterly stupid to think that 2 hurting people with (then) terminal Ms, cheating spouses, "chemistry" and a shared history could support each other and leave it at that. I can still say in good conscience that I treated her as a friend, but I cannot deny there was an attraction from way before. It's not like supporting other friends in real life or on here - we should have known better.

I did think she was getting a bit too close and cut off most contact except for the "how you doing?" replies when she buzzed me. She had been dating (and given me full details) so I had assumed it was great we were both moving on, me with my M and her with her D. We met for lunch one day months ago and my little fog was blown apart. She asked me if my W is pregnant - she already knew from mutual friends and I did not keep it a secret, in fact I was surprised she acted as if it was something new. "I'm so happy for you Deep - congratulations!". "well thank you, it's not been easy and we're still working some things through, but it's good". "yeah, so good you can actually do STUFF with her eh? I'm sure it wasn't an immaculate conception".

Can you smell the bile from there? I'm paraphrasing and summarising of course, but it really hit me. What was her problem I thought? Pretty obvious I know ... and friends later told me she thought W and I were in separate rooms and would never fully reconcile. So ... you really can't control what others think or feel ... not just WAS. And yeah, I told this to W.

So ... avoided her until a mutual friend got into marital problems (is this common or what?). We both helped friend through it, very very nasty, friend and her sis both ended up in the ER after a beating from H which triggered the D. I kinda helped friend through the aftermath, hiring her for a project to keep her occupied and earning some cash, plus I did need the help.

So ... rowdy social reception after project ended, I'm getting drunk with over 100 clients and W is there to drive me home since she knew I would be plastered. And friend tells me "<OW> is coming to say hi". WTF??? Barely registered that before she turned up and SAT AT THE TABLE WITH W. God! I chickened out to be honest, got a male friend to sit there and keep an eye on things, and I really had to network and close some deals for the next project. W and "OW" were apparently excruciating civil to each other, with "OW" asking about the pregnancy. Friend told me it was awkward but civil, up to the point "OW" announced she was going to talk to me alone for a bit. "Great job Deep, congratulations" - I just said thanks and turned away. But still, it was Armageddon in the car on the way back after.

And now, I have been told to work with an organisation for part of my next project - it's critical for my biz, and guess who is the liaison person I have to work through? No prizes for guessing right. Life is a freaking irony. Oh, and she's now signing up at my gym and Muay Thai classes too. Wonderful.

I've kept W updated on everything, if not the details. It's stupid. Here I am, being the "new Deep" and putting aside my fear of W's possible financial security issues, post-natal depression and history repeating itself, and with the nitty gritty details of piecing still there, worrying about making enough to sustain the family and let W have the freedom to choice not to work ... and now this is gonna eat at W.

I'm just venting - so indulge me . I ignored a friend's advice to have a blunt talk with "OW" - mainly because it would have been so AWKWARD. I always treated her as a friend, there was never any r/s, and these nuances were just unsettling. But now I think yeah, surface them, maybe get laughed at and brushed aside ("You're crazy Deep, I wish you and the W nothing but the best" is probable), but at least it'll be one less needless issue.

And yeah, to keep praying everyday for the baby ... our fears for his health is always there ...