WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 11

[confusedinpa]

Thanks for chiming in PMA & CG

Problem is, big surprise, my WAW and I can't agree on priorities in deciding a custody agreement. She proposed that we switch back and forth evey 2 days. I don't think it's in the best interest to be going back and forth that frequently. I think it's important to give them some stability. That's how we wound up with a Sun, Mon, Tues with alternate Wed arrangement. At that point I took the Thurs, Fri, Sat piece thinking she might miss us on the weekends (I didn't know she was leaving me for someone else who dumped her about a month after she moved out, there have been other guys since). So I got played as a fool and gave her exactly what she wanted for her new life. I've still been doing that as the only times I could see my boys before were the weekend

Now I'm done being the sucker. I proposed to stay with the 3/4 deal but alternate Sat and I would take Sun, Mon, Tues. She didn't like it. That's where we got into a blow up.

I'm finishing packing and heading back to Pa today. My 7 year old asked about picking him up on Thurs. I said for sure so he was gonna tell his mom.

So how do I negotiate with someone who thinks she is calling the shots? Why does the mother automatically assume she can decide on how to handle the kids?I have rights too.

This is just so confusing.....

[sandi2]

So how do I negotiate with someone who thinks she is calling the shots? Why does the mother automatically assume she can decide on how to handle the kids?I have rights too.

It may be b/c years ago the courts would usually grant the mother custody and the dad would get alternate weekends. He paid child support and was lucky to get his kids on alternate holidays. But, the courts are not that way in this day & time. I believe that fathers are getting more of their "rights" and a lot of moms are taking a back seat.

Your W is trying to convince herself (and you) that she has nothing to worry about and that she will get what she wants based soley on the fact she is the mother. I think she is in for a surprise!

I know a couple that had two sons and went to court over custody. The W would talk about her job and all that stuff.....and the dad would simply say, "I love my boys". Guess who the juge granted custody to?

[confusedinpa]

Hi mom. Thanks for your encouragement and thoughts of hope.

Today is my first day home in Pa where I don't have the boys since losing my another job. I had gone up I NY to shut down my apt on Mon after I dropped my boys off at school. I got back late yesterday and went out with a couple of buddies for beer am wings. I felt a little awkward as the three of us, back when I had a job, did very well financially (combined the three of us grossed around a half a mil per war) so we would go out and enjoy and spend without much though as we only did it once/qtr. But when they started talking about the next trip, going to a formula race, and were debating if it was worth the extra 5k to helicopter in and out of the race, it really hit home how I have no job am got really worried about the future for me and my boys.

Guess what matters is that even if I never find a job at the level I had been for the last several years (which us when my WAW said she felt unloved) I know I will always have my boys to love and cherish.

I'm really down today, not because of my WAW as I'm past her, even if she wanted to come back I wouldn't trust her enough to want her back

My buddies last night really helped me "man up" to get my life back in gear. They were supportive when I'm down but they, like many here have said, kept pressing me to figure out my plan so I get back to execution. The called me out that the last 3 days, I've been "wasting" my time churning with tactical stuff. It was stuff that, even completed doesn't directly get me to my end game. Problem was I didn't know what that was.

We spent a lot of time talking, actually them kicking my butt about it. We only had a two pitchers (we normally go through 3-4 a piece) so it was really productive, not just a drunken guy stuff LOL :-)

I'm still working it out but the bottom line was, and again people said it to me here before, I need to start with me an strengthen myself up first - emotionally, mentally and physically. Physically I think I on track as I've lost 25 lbs this year and have been running twice a week to the point I couldn't say when was the last time I used my asthma meds (I used to use it every other day). It hard in my mind to seperate mentally and emotional but I feel mentally I starting to get my attitude back in line. I felt very strong mentally last week, right up to when they terminated my employment. That set me back a couple of notches but last nite with my buddies, along with a couple of dancers at a gentlemens club ;-) LOL, I'm getting my a positive attitude in sight again.

Emotionally I'm still feeling raw. The divorce filing, then her moving out, then losing my job, finding out that she's been cheating on me for over a year and then all the drama in NY where it ended with me losing my job has really done a number on me. My buddies called me out how I've become overly sensitve to things that are happening and said. Before I was the other way around where I was completly oblivious to it all but now they see I hang on everything that happens and is said. They said I need to rebuild my wall so to speak

So I'm gonna focus on getting a job and fighting to spend as much time with my boys. I can't allow myself to be distracted by other drama. As part of my job search, will include looking for that bar/restaurant that I've always wanted to open.

With this being said, sounds like I've got stop just talking and journaling about this stuff an just do it

FIDO

[sandi2]

As I've said this several times before......you have had to face sooooo much this past year. It would have taken a big toll on any man, and you have done an excellent job.

Downsizing your lifestyple right now is what you will have to do until you secure a job. If your buddies are "true" friends, then they will understand if you turn down some invitations to some events. Maybe the three of you can hang out in a way that isn't so expensive.

Do you have a good group of people to socialize with? You need to be around those who are positive about what's important in life........and not anyone who pulls you down or somebody who is superficial. I'm not implying your buddies are...by no means. Just talking about others in general.

You have worked hard on the physical, mental, and emotional parts.....and have made great strides. As your "mom", I want to encourage you to feed the spiritual side also. No matter how well we tend to the other three parts.....if the spiritual part of us is starving, then life just doesn't seem to be right. Now that you are back home, maybe you can get going in that again. Don't look at it as if it were another area of life that you had to "work" on, right now, but rater like a shelter of peace and restoration. You need that, sweetie. You need to go to church and soak up the Word so it will strengthen you for what you are about to face.

Talk to you later. Hope you have a good day.

[confusedinpa]

Hi mom! :-)

My buddies are pretty supportive about my situation. They both said that they will try to help me find a job. They offered it last time too, but I found one pretty quickly. Doubt if I'll be as lucky this time around in the midst of the holidays. I really gotta face the reality that there won't be anything happening until Jan.

They also wouldn't let me pay for anything Weds nite, but I bought one round cause I don't like not paying my own way.

I do have a good group of friends - just most are about 2 hours away. Most of them grew up like I did, where we started with no advantages and fought for all that we achieved. Now I'm the first to go through a divorce (others had lost jobs before) but they have been very supportive of me. Even when I lost my job earlier this year they were there for me. Now there there again. Guess that's why these are the few I kept in touch with all these years, they are there for the good and the bad. The only bad part is how far they are. That was one thing I pulled together in NY, a group of local people that I could hang out with during the week.

I had gone to church every Sunday since the weekend she moved out. Big reason for that is that she would pick up the boys on Sun 8 AM each week and there was a service that started right afterwards. Since I started working in NY, and I was only home on the weekends, I would go with my boys once/month. Now that I'm back, I do plan on starting to go again. I was almost at the point of developing a couple of connections with people I could talk to there. I just need to do it again. Thanks for the reminder mom :-)

So today, I'm gonna fire off more resumes on monster and hotjobs. I blanketed careerbuilder yesterday and on Monday, I sent my resume out to a handful of recruiters I've worked with before. I'm of course anxious nothing has happened yet, but, as my cousin reminded me last nite, it's been less than a week. Breathe. Relax.

So thanks for being there for me mom. It's always good to hear from you.

[mindfull]

CIPA - What do you do? Skillset?

My company is hiring for a new office we're opening for the NY/NJ/PA/DE area... And, it can be just about anywhere within that area. AND, guess who is doing the first round of candidate screening? MOI!

[confusedinpa]

CIPA - What do you do? Skillset?

My company is hiring for a new office we're opening for the NY/NJ/PA/DE area... And, it can be just about anywhere within that area. AND, guess who is doing the first round of candidate screening? MOI!

Wow - this could be fate! Are you on FB, maybe we can exchange contact info.

Thanks!

[mindfull]

CIPA - I'm not. I have an D18 whose friends would make me insane if I had a FB. I just created a gmail. Send me your info, and I'll forward job description(s0). dbmindfull

You never know! Yea!

[confusedinpa]

CIPA - I'm not. I have an D18 whose friends would make me insane if I had a FB. I just created a gmail. Send me your info, and I'll forward job description(s0). dbmindfull

You never know! Yea!

I tried to send an email but it keeps getting kicked back. Wonder if it needs to get validated first? I'll try again in a few.

Thanks for your offer to help!

[mindfull]

Got it.