It is about those realizations of getting "old" in mid-life. The children becoming older-in their teens, for some of us...
I thought it was funny(but probably pretty universal) that while H had moved out he realized he needed reading glasses! It bothered him alot!
..just part of the process....for some its a rocky road.
M44 H46 T21 Married 16y D14 D12 Bomb 12/08(EA), (PA/Separation)1/09 to 5/09 Home/MC 5/09 to 12/09 Leaves 12/09 Files for Divorce Divorce final 6/30/10.
You all hit the nail on the head!!!! That is when they start changing their appearance, get new friends and etc!! My H was 45 when the bomb came and my S no longer lived at home. He started coloring his hair. Sitting where I am now, I should have seen it coming! LOL
YR- I wanted to say that reading your posts has helped me a great deal as well. I think I'm in the withdrawal stage with hubby. I don't remember much about what happened there with your husband. Anything you recall that worked or backfired as far as getting through it mentally intact?
M44 H46 T21 Married 16y D14 D12 Bomb 12/08(EA), (PA/Separation)1/09 to 5/09 Home/MC 5/09 to 12/09 Leaves 12/09 Files for Divorce Divorce final 6/30/10.
In at least one book the crisis happens as someone tries to enter their second adulthood, at whatever age this occurs.
Some of us always knew we would age and saw it happen gradually but steadily. Some tried to cover it up or hide it ... as in hide from it. But the crisis seems to be deeper than what we see in the mirror. It goes back to that childhood baggage. Some folks entered their first adulthood with a lot of baggage. and they never processed it or dealt with it in their first adulthood. Can you say "she never got over the fact that daddy didn't make her his little princess"
Or, "he went straight from high school to a career and family, while his buddies went to college and partied four years after graduating"
The theory is that you might suppress that baggage in your first adulthood, but you can't take it into your second ... period! How do those still carrying the personal problems and low self esteem get rid of it you ask? They re-write history. They become the opposite of who they were. They go back and become 17 again. They do in fact, relive their first adulthood where with any luck, they will finally deal with their demons. Or they may self destruct as a permenant 17 year old. It's why some writings say that when the MLCer leaves the tunnel for good, they are not the person we knew before. They are often more spiritual and content with themself than before. This doesn't mean they necessarily "found religion" but at least found spiritual peace, in a form right for them.
They faced their demons and processed their issues. It is also referred to as self actualization, something the rest of us did gradually and naturally during our first adulthood. Sure, we had moments of "When is it my turn, what about me"
But we processed the answers and dealt with it. We did not let it consume us because we were better prepared for our transition.
Some posts on this forum state the MLCer comes out of the tunnel remembering everything and knowing exactly what they were doing wrong. Others say it was a fog. Maybe it depends on what the issues were that had to be resolved, or the way in which each MLCer faced their transition. Does it matter or change anything? Is it easier to forgive if you understand? Are these excuses for bad behavior or explanations for periods of mental disorder?
That is up to the LBS to decide. That is why articles here say when the dust settles, it will be up to LBS to accept the new person for who they are in your life now, not who they were. Maybe you will. Maybe not. May be too much damage was done or too much time passes. The LBS has to measure their own damage and time on different scale than the MLCer.
The LBS has to continue the Patience learned during the crisis, but now learn Forgiveness. Forgive yourself any mistakes from the past that you have been working to change. Forgive the spouse of the things they did in the past ... and don't repeat. If they emptied their baggage and left the tunnel, keep them moving forward with support, and boundaries.
That stage was a hard one for me. At first I made it worse by trying to call him all the time. As time went by, I got alot better. He got worse. Me or my kids wouldn't see him for weeks at a time. When we saw him he looked terrible. He had gotten so thin and he isn't a big guy anyway but he looked like a skeleton. His eyes had no emotion in them. This was hard to look at.
I finally got it and stopped calling him. What ever happened I handled it. I let him spin away and hit bottom by himself. The best thing is to detach, detach, detach! Get out an GAL the best you can. Do for yourself and try to find the peace in yourself.
After all these years my love for my husband has grown deeper....deeper but different somehow........going on 3 yrs. compared to other people this is just the beginning....oh boy having a big time pity party tonight.....must be because for the first time some of my children will not be here......i dont know how to cook small turkey day dinners...... They have all grown up and have different lives of their own....must be twhy I feel the way I feel.....guess 25yrs is right about not having outside friends....I do but I dont ever do anything with them
Detaching was very hard for me and alot of other people. We all do it at our own pace.
The turkey day dinner was hard for me too. My son invited friends over the first year my h was gone. It did help. I am not going to lie to you it was very hard. The next year my H was supposed to come but it ended up being me, S and D and we enjoyed it.
Start a new tradition. Go out to eat somewhere instead of making dinner. It will be okay....hang in there, the holidays are hard.
