Over the Shock and GALing 6

[Thinker]

Just a thought - inspired by some of the posts I have read around here. It's not that original - I have read bits and pieces of it in several books, other threads, etc. but I am putting it together because it has become more clear in my own mind.

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You Grieve the end of a R, the end of a M, just like you grieve a death. There are phases and a process that each person goes through: Shock and Denial, Bargaining, Anger, Depression and Acceptance. By studying and working on yourself, you can minimize the negative impacts of each phase, but you still have to go through them, and you have to go through them in your own time. You can't skip ahead.

Shock and Denial: We all know this one. It is clear in my first post and in those of most of the others I read. "I can't believe it", "My spouse does spend a lot of time with this OP at work, but he/she says they are just friends", "I never thought this would happen", "Maybe he/she will change his/her mind"

Bargaining: We are sure that if we only work hard enough and change enough, then we can can get our WAS back, so we keep trying and trying and trying. I think for most of this here, this phase has 2 incarnations:

• Bargaining Part I - Pursuit: The initial begging, arguing, persuading, apologizing and general groveling that we each did at first.
• Bargaining Part II - Tactical DBing: I think this is where many of us get stuck for a long time. (I know I sure did) DBing itself becomes a way of bargaining. If I do this DBing stuff hard enough, well enough, and for long enough, then I will win my WAS back. The issue here is that, although we may be making all of the right moves and saying all of the right things, our heart really is not in it. Our focus is still firmly fixed to the WAS. Even when we focus on ourselves, we are often focusing on ourselves in order to win the WAS back.

The bargaining phase can last a long time, especially if the LBS DB's well enough to stall the "walk away". In these cases it ends in limboland, and limboland just prolongs the bargaining phase.

The bargaining phase ends only when the LBS has reached his or her emotional and patience limit, and no longer has any tolerance for DBing as a tactic. He or she no longer wants to try and gives up.

This leads to (in some order, depending on the sitch) Anger and Depression.

Anger: Man, I got hit hard by this one. Surprised the hell out of me. When you give up trying to bargain, now all of the pent up emotions come out. Although this is a necessary phase, it is also the most destructive. I also think it is easy for this to turn into toxic resentment and many people get stuck here as well.

Note that in the Anger phase, the LBS's attention is STILL firmly on the WAS. At this point you will hear many posters say that now they are finally so angry and disgusted that they have become detached. This isn't detached. The WAS is still driving your emotions. The LBS is, however, finally backing off.

Depression: Just tired. I give up. I don't want to try any more. This isn't a pleasant phase, but note the turn that is happening. FINALLY, the LBS's attention shifts away from the WAS. At this point their attention is just not anywhere - not on themselves either.

Acceptance: Yea! Hip Hi Hooray! This is what we are all trying to reach, and what many of us claim to reach all the time. The LBS's focus is finally on themselves, and they can think clearly and make decisions about what they need. Now they can finally walk either the D path, or the R path, or both simultaneously without caring which will be the outcome.

The hard truth is, however, that you can't get here without going through the other 4 phases.